Next week (Tuesday, October 23rd) is my standard follow up appointment in Pittsburgh.
This is the moment each month that it all boils down to...the waiting!!!
It begins even before I see the doctor. It begins the week before, the days before that dreaded appointment. It begins, all over again, that morning, when I'm getting up and getting ready. It's while I'm in the car, driving the same roads that have been driven a hundred times before, with either the same or different outcome. It's the same as we pull up to the clinic, walk through the doors and board the elevator. It's there when I'm signing in and waiting for my folder to carry to Section H. It's there as I'm looking around the waiting room, looking at all the other patients and families. I'm wondering, "are they thinking the same things as me...what things have we experienced that are similar and what things have we experienced are different...are they just as scared as me at this moment...are they wondering whether their news will be welcoming or are they wondering if their life is going to be thrown into complete chaos, again??? I can't even begin to describe all the thoughts that race through my mind. I think ..."this should be simple, this should be easy...I'm in remission...I was doing well last month...I should be doing well this month". And maybe it is that way for some people, but for me, it's one big mountain of anxiousness because I've allowed myself that comfort zone. I've allowed myself to think "it's" gone. I've allowed myself that joy of living life...and to have it all taken away from in one appointment, saying "you've relapsed".
So here, I am now, after transplant thinking, "yes, I'm doing well...I'm beginning to embrace life and coming to terms with the many changes that have taken place". But, there is another part of me, in the back of my mind thinking..."you were here before and look what happened". I am trying very hard not to dwell on it but it's there hovering over me like a gray storm cloud waiting for the storm's torrential down pour to come or waiting for the sun to push it away, opening the skies to yet another month or two, of living life.
So my name is called to have my vitals checked and to have my blood drawn. I sit there and think..."is this the day my blood and my body betray me...or is this a day I can go home without all of this burden on my shoulders". I exit the room and wait, yet again, to be called to see the doctor. I try to keep myself busy by messing around on my phone or reading on my Kindle. Then my name is called, I get up with my husband or mom and dad, and walk to the room, where we have to sit, yet again, and wait.
The doctor walks in and I'm sitting questioning whether I should look at him...should I look at his face because I will know the results...I will know it's good news or bad news. Obviously, my last appointment was good, so what will it be this coming Tuesday???
After the doctor discloses that everything looks good and all the numbers are within the normal range, the others in the room let out the air, that we all have been holding in. Although, mine is still being somewhat held in. As I sit there, I question why can't I just embrace this moment right now. This is all good news. I should be hugging and smiling and rejoicing with the rest of them. But, I just can't seem to be there "in the moment". Is this typical for someone who has experienced a relapse? I know with my initial diagnosis, there was that fear of relapse, but it wasn't as significant as it is now. And, I'm not saying that I obsess over it. These thoughts usually occur a week or two before my appointment and the day of I'm a complete mess!!! I really want to get passed this, its just I don't want to be blindsided like I was before. Like I said in an earlier post, my relapse was more of a shock than my initial diagnosis. It was harder to come to terms with and accept. So, if it can happen once or twice, it can happen again. But, even though I don't allow myself to dwell on it, doesn't mean that fear isn't there in the back of my mind.
So, here I am going through the motions of life as the dreaded appointment lurks just around the corner. It will either be a great day or something I just really do not even want to face. I just need to keep telling myself..."it's out of my control...what will be, will be...and I'm one stubborn girl, and Iwill just keep fighting"!!!
Image source: http://www.tiedribbon.com/search/label/getting%20real
No comments:
Post a Comment