Me...Control Issues....Yeah, Right?!?!?

As I continue on this journey of self-discovery after cancer/transplant, I reflect on my life prior to cancer/transplant, life during, and obviously, life after and I'm realizing that, yes, I definitely have control issues...but so does everyone else.  We, as a human being, need to have a control of something in our lives...and realistically, the only thing we can control is ourselves.  Oh sure, we try to extend that control to other parts of our lives, but really has it ever really worked??? No, it definitely, hasn't. 

So to reflect on my life prior to cancer, I was one, big, walking, stress ball of emotions!!!  It was definitely taking its toll on my body...no wonder it shut down and allowed cancer to take control.  I definitely was not the most healthiest person...I was a supervisor for Children & Youth, which is enough stress in itself...seeing abuse/neglect, taking custody of children, dealing with uneducated people, some addicted to alcohol/drugs, mental disorders, lack of motivation, pure ignorance, etc (need I really go on)...and that is just dealing with the children and families...that doesn't even include the toxic environment of the work place...never knowing who is stabbing you in the back the moment you turn around...than dealing with the ever changing laws and regulations and paperwork that if not shredded and recycled would literally surpass the highest mountain top...and after dealing with all of the office crap...you have the image of the Agency that is not favored...and trying to earn the respect from the community, Court, etc.  It was pure hell for someone who wanted to be respected and tried to present a professional image at all times (but I did have my moments, hey, we're all human and we all have our breaking points)...right?!?!

Another big stressor was my co-dependent nature...I was always trying to help someone with an issue they were having...I always wanted to fix things for others...trying to let them see the light...and the error of their ways...and I was so ignorant to believe that I could help change someone for the better...it really was a false sense of reality...I mean, really, why did I think my way was better...just because something worked for me doesn't mean it should be that way for everyone...I definitely learned my lesson there.

And on top of all that work stress and wanting to fix other peoples problems, I was a smoker, which we all know the outcome of smoking.  But, unfortunately, its an addiction that I did allow to control my life...I guess in a weird way that was the one thing I could control...no one was going to dictate whether I could or could not smoke...so due to my innate stubborn nature, I smoked all of those stressors away...or at least I thought I was.

Which leads me to the cancer/transplant...I still remember being told...I actually was away in Lancaster for a work conference with one of my best friends/co-worker and received a call from the Dr.'s stating they needed to see me...I knew something was up...especially after waking up that morning and showing my best friend the 7 inch diameter bruise on my back that came from nowhere...I wasn't thinking cancer...I just knew something was wrong...so I called my husband and he had to travel to Lancaster and bring me home...so we got home, went to the Dr.'s and was told you may have Leukemia...the Dr. was so withdrawn when delivering the news...I was completely numb...I shed a few tears but I was so much in shock that I really didn't know how to react...than after that I lost complete control over my life. 

Imagine yourself standing in the middle of a pool...and remember how when you were little you and your friends would go as fast as you could along the sides in the same direction to make a whirlpool...that's exactly what it felt like...except you were in the middle and all your friends, family...hell, your entire world, is spinning all around you...you try to reach out but the current is so strong you can't stop it...you can't control anything...your being told this is what needs to be done...you need to take these 100 different medications...you need to allow these toxins into your body to kill the cancer, as well as, risking damage to your internal organs...being told you need to do this because its that or you die...and you have to do all this because you need to be here for your husband, children, family and friends...talk about freaking pressure!!!  Children & Youth was a cake walk compared to this!!! 

So, in the world of a control freak, this was absolute hell.  So, when in a world of no control, what do I do???  I shut down...I withdraw...which then upset those people around me...they don't understand why I don't want to talk...why I just want to lay around and self-medicate...and all I can think is...really, what do you expect...I have no control over anything in my life except my emotions and how I think and feel...and which really irritated me even more was the fact that because I was withdrawing the need to have the hospital therapist come and talk to me...I just wanted to scream...I wanted to yell and say "what do you people expect from me...I have cancer...I may be dying...and you think talking to some hospital staff who has never personally been through what I've been through is telling me how I should think and feel"...really...it was a joke.  I know everyone was just worried and their intentions were meant well...but at the time I was just frustrated with everyone and everything...so amazingly, I fought through it went into remission, and began living a new life and new way that really didn't involve much stress...other than work, of course.

So, I was embracing this second chance at life.  I wasn't going to allow much stress in my life...I decided to be more carefree...not react so quickly or negatively to something...because the one thing I had learned is that the only control I have is over myself and how I react to the things around me...and I can't be stressing over things that are completely out of my control...so I was living and enjoying life...actually being happy...than it was ripped from me again...I noticed a few bruises here and there but nothing like they were before...I went to one of my routine Dr appointments and...WHAM...RELAPSE!!! WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  SERIOUSLY??? BUT I'M HAPPY...WHAT HAPPENED...WHY???  I can understand the first time because my life was complete chaos...the second time around, was more of a shock!!!  I kept thinking...WHY????  I'm so happy...I'm living life...I'm enjoying so much more than what I have ever before...so why is this happening???

And yet again, I'm thrown into another whirlpool...but now I'm being told...stem-cell transplant is the answer...its that or DIE...well, of course, its a no-brainer...I have young children and a husband who needs me...family/friends who love me...I need to fight again...and damn this is it...I'm tired of all this bullshit...I'm beating this "effing" disease once and for all...because I have allowed cancer to control too much of my life...now I'm taking control back...I'm going to lead this time...and so this is where I am now...trying to gain control of my life...but looking at things more realistically.

Now, I'm looking at my life after transplant and trying to figure things out.  I'm definitely a person that has to think things through and tends to think and think and think...and come up with every possible scenario...which is why my blogs are so lengthy...haha...I have to look at every angle to come up with the best solution...and it all comes down to my own happiness and what I want...and as long as I fulfill my needs...without hurting others...others around me will see that happiness and hopefully, that happiness will reflect on others.

So, in conclusion, I have learned that the only thing I can control is me...and my happiness...and its up to others if they want to jump on board with me...and if they don't...it's their loss...I'm not going to worry about it...I'm going to keep living...and enjoy the time that I have because you never know what is around the corner...which will be my next blog...stay tuned!!!