Hi Honey...I'm Home!!!

"Hi Honey...I'm Home"...this phrase has been running through my head for awhile now. I'm thinking after the chaos of the past few years, it feels like I'm finally home.

Before, it was like...ok...we're married...we're husband and wife...we have two beautiful, healthy children...we have a house...a home...baseball/football and cheerleading practice...we have homework...and vacations/trips planned...then in all a matter of seconds it completely changed.  Cancer completely changes and uproots lives!!! Our roles completely changed.  Whereas before cancer, we were close to equals, sharing responsibilities regarding our home, family, and finances.  Then it all changed and became solely my husband's.  He was now the sole caretaker and even, at times, the sole caregiver of the children and me.  Not only was my world thrown into a whirlpool of chaos but so was his.  He now had to fulfill both roles as mom and dad.  He had to stay at home, to provide some kind of normalcy for the children, while his wife was two hours away, possibly dying.  He may have possibly felt torn as to which direction to go...thinking he needs to be at home with the kids, pay the bills and continue to work to provide for his family...and on the other side, possibly thinking...I have a wife...who is possibly dying and I'm here at home.  How does a spouse choose???  Which do they decide???  I couldn't even imagine that internal battle and how much havoc that could have on someone internally, emotionally, mentally and even, physically.  It would affect all of your being.

I know it was very hard for me having him so far away.  Two hours may not seem all that much but it truly is.  Its very difficult to stay connected because the time we do have together was during visits at the hospital or weekends with the kids at the hospital apartments.  There was very little time to connect emotionally/intimately, it was all about surviving.  And all the visits and communications, whether in person or by phone, were all dependent upon how I was feeling.  There were many times where I couldn't get out of bed, where I slept most of the time due to natural fatigue or medically induced.  It was a very difficult time for our marriage.  And I'm not saying that we were close to divorce or anything, it was just a time where it was hard to focus on the two of us as husband and wife and to deal strictly with the things that were affecting us.  It was a time for survival for the both of us.  I was trying to fight death and survive and he was trying to survive with the financial responsibilities for the family but also as caregiver for both the children and me. Sometimes, it seems my role of fighting cancer was easier than what he had gone through and all of those responsibilities lying heavily on his shoulders.  He is a great man that didn't give up.  He pushed through and did what he needed to do.  I have so much respect for him and how like me, he fought like hell, for his family!!!

So, now is the time for reconnecting. Sometimes, its like we're still living in the survival mode.  Passing each other and not really communicating the way we did before.  It's a work in progress and we are making every effort to be more aware of that fact.  We're communicating more and sharing more of the responsibilities again.  Unfortunately, he still carries more responsibilities due to my lack of energy and due to my continued restrictions due to my health.  It's frustrating for both of us and we will figure it out.  It will truly get better. 

I really am thankful for our marriage and the trials that we have been through.  Those trials have made us stronger both as individuals and as a couple.  Recently, within the past year, someone gave me a statistic of 70% of married couples do not remain married when a spouse has gone through a disease/sickness.  I couldn't believe the percentage. It truly makes me thankful for having such a supporting husband!!! He definitely took our vows seriously and is so much more a husband and man for his caring and protective nature!!!

This is dedicated to him because even though he says I'm his hero...HE TRULY IS MY HERO!!!  He didn't give up...he didn't walk away...he fought for his family and because of his strength...we will be living those Golden years together with our children, grandchildren, etc.  I Love You "I"!!!

Image source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4a/Hi_Honey_I'm_Home_(logo).jpg