New Beginnings...New Adventures

I decided to begin my own blog. I'm sure there are hundreds and thousands of blogs out there involving people that have personally experienced cancer and/or stem-cell transplant due to a cancer.  I'm not trying to be different or try to discuss anything new.  I'm just trying to process how I have been affected by the dreaded "C" word and if by blogging about it inspires or even helps someone who is going through it or has been through it and  toknow that they are not alone (in how they are thinking and feeling) then great!!!

Just to give a quick background.  I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) in June of 2009.  I went through several months of chemotherapy treatment and went into remission, nine months later I relapsed, and the only cure for me was to have a bone marrow stem-cell transplant.  I asked my doctor what would happen if I chose not to do this and he basically said, I would "die"!!!  So I began the process of registering for a donor etc.  On November 30, 2010, at 11:55 pm, I received my stem-cell transplant.  This process is amazing in itself and I could go on about the process but basically, and more simply, out of the 4 million donors in the U.S. not one was a bone marrow match.  My doctor and his team then searched outside of the U.S. and found two 100% matches that are international donors (both of European origin which is all I know at this point, oh and that they're female).  It only took 10 or 15 minutes for the transplant to take place and its done through IV, really AMAZING!!!  I was told to consider this my new birthday, because basically, I am being reborn.  My body is the same but its a vessel holding someones else blood, DNA.  It's very weird when you think about it and I've noticed recently that I'm just trying to cope and accept all that has occurred and that some things are the same but a lot is different too.

I can only speak for myself, obviously, when I say that when I was going thru my initial treatments and then my relapse and transplant that I was just "surviving".  I was just trying to get through the day, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  There is really no time to try to process everything.  It's almost like experiencing a death of a loved one.  You have the initial shock of the news, then you deal with the arrangements/services.  You really don't have time to process and mourn because your just trying to get through and then when all of that is over and the service has ended, your guests go home, your then with your thoughts and feelings and that's when the processing and healing begins.  Well, the same can be said for cancer and I'm sure the same could be said for any other life-threatening health complication anyone has experienced...but I can only speak of my experience with cancer/relapse/and transplant.

Occasionally, I have posted on Facebook (FB) an update on my health status or just to say "thank you" for everyones support.  My most recent posting led me to beginning this blog...short and sweet I posted an overall "thank you" for the support of everyone and my "gratitude" for all of that support.  I received a response from a person informing me of herbal supplements that will help with kidney/liver damage after chemo and as I was reading this I was thankful for their input.  However, her posting changed and became accusatory and almost like a lecture and making assumptions about my current life (including my beliefs about survival and my beliefs in regards to  medications, my doctors, etc).  I was very offended by her words, and she may have been just trying to help but it did not come across that way.  My first reaction was wanting to "blast" her but knew no good would come of that.  I acknowledged what she has stated and offered a simple "thank you" then she continued to post about fighting to be alive for my husband and children and that certainly $5 shouldn't be that much of a hardship to do that.  I instantly became enraged.  How dare she to assume anything about me and/or my thoughts or feelings and any decisions I make.  She knows nothing about me.  We only share a mutual friend and I made my FB post 'public' so that it could reach out to all those people who may have contributed to the fundraisers that were held for me and I may not be "friends" with them on FB.  I am not one of those people that uses FB as an outlet to battle with people.  I use it to connect to distant friends/family and to people, even though local, lost touch with over the years so because I was so worked up and angry about this woman's interpretations, I began this blog.  And one of the things that frustrated me even more was that in part of her bio she proceeds to go on about people educating themselves before offering an opinion on something and showing their ignorance.  I started laughing at that because she did exactly what she says she can't stand to see others do.  This really doesn't even anger me much, its more of a frustration.  I truly believe that people need to think before they speak or cast judgement on someone that they know nothing about!!!

So after this lengthy explanation, this is why I'm beginning this blog.  I don't want to use FB as my blog because, to me, that's not its purpose.  I want to reach out and hear other people stories who have been through cancer/transplant as I have and to know I'm not abnormal for feeling the way I feel and having others acknowledge it makes me feel more normal.  Currently, I just began therapy and my therapist states that all this is normal and some of her patients have or still are going through the same thing I am experiencing and feeling which helps me feel that I'm not so alone it this.  But it seems to help more when I can hear from someone who has done it, who has been through it, and that they understand.  Because as much as I truly do appreciate everyone's support, not everyone gets it, unless you've been through it!!!  I can't even pretend to guess or understand what my husband, children, closest family/friends have gone through emotionally, as they watched someone they love at death's door twice so I can't expect them to "get" what I am thinking and feeling.  I can try as much as I can and talk til I'm blue in the face but no one truly gets it unless you have lived it.

So, I'm beginning this blog to help me process my thoughts and feelings through out this whole experience.  I'm hoping that this blog will help enlighten and educate others on what some people that have cancer go through.  What they may think and feel, so when trying to offer advice or recommendations, it's with the intent of wanting to help and not shoving your ideas and beliefs of what you think is best.  And if anyone would like to comment, that would be "great", and if not, that's okay too.  I just want others to know what my journey has been which may be similiar to someone else's.

Image source: http://lifelikeariver.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/new-beginnings.jpg