I'm NOT the Energizer Bunny!!!

I'm definitely NOT the Energizer Bunny!!!  I never was nor will I ever be, hopefully I will regain my strength and stamina that I had pre-cancer and transplant.  After close to three years of hospital beds/rooms, tiny apartments, and seclusion in the home, I'm finally able to get out and socialize with the public.  But with that comes a lot of anxiousness.  Anxiousness of germs, and anxiousness of not having the energy to do the things that I used to do.

All that time being secluded and being on medications that totally wiped me out, my body lost a lot of its muscle mass, and its strength. It was very hard to remain motivated and exercise when you were nauseous all the time and just plain tired.  The hospital encouraged patients to walk laps around the inner air-filtered hallway, but that got old quickly.  They tried brightening the hallway with bright pictures and photos of inspiration but those got old too. I did just enough activity to maintain some strength to prevent any significant atrophy from settling in.

Within this past year, I began feeling more strength and thought I would return to Curves Inc. to rebuild the muscles and strength that I lost.  I was very motivated and excited to start this all again.  However, as soon as I began, I realized it was a lot harder than what I thought.  At first, I felt like a failure because I wasn't able to do the amount of reps I used to, and realistically, I knew why, it was just yet another change.  I can be very stubborn when it comes to things like this, so I began to push myself to keep going, knowing that my strength will come back.  So I became motivated in overcoming this obstacle and another obstacle surfaced.  I began noticing my breathing seemed more depleted and I began coughing a lot when I became active.  Whether it was exercising, taking a walk, or climbing the stairs.  It seemed like anytime I became more active, my breathing was affected and I was constantly coughing.  I spoke to my doctor regarding this and it has become an issue of GVHD of the lungs.  GVHD is graft vs. host disease, where my body begins to fight the donor cells.  GVHD can present itself in numerous ways.  I have experienced nausea/vomiting, skin rashes, sensitive skin, gastrointestinal problems, dry eyes, and breathing issues.  It seems the only way to treat most of these issues are with steroids which led to a lot of weight gain and the typical "moon face".  I will discuss GVHD more thoroughly in my next blog.

So, currently, I'm on an inhaler and asthma medicine to address this new issue.  It has helped some but not entirely and can be very discouraging.  I gave myself a break from going back to Curves to give some time for the medicine to kick in.  Well, now its time to get back into it.  I'm not going to go into it with false expectations like the last time.  I'm going to do what I can and not beat myself up on what I can't do.  At least its something and better than doing nothing.

 I have noticed that I can go, go and go for a few days, and then, WHAM!!! It all catches up to me.  I need a day to recuperate.  It was very difficult over the summer because it seemed we were constantly on the go and it even seems that way now with school.  I should be taking advantage of the kids being in school and cleaning the house and keeping things organized, but I feel little energy and motivation to do so.  Housework can be difficult because I'm very limited on what cleaning products I am able to use.  There doesn't appear to be much in our area for organic cleaning supplies.  I have heard Lowe's may carry some and I will need to look further into that. It's also difficult because we live in an old home with steep stairs to the laundry rooms and to the second floor.  I'm wiped out by the time I get to the top of the stairs, and that's even when I'm not carrying anything, like a basket of laundry or the vacuum. 

The kids have needed to adjust to my lack of energy as well.  They were able to understand it while I was sick because I was in and out of the home/hospital.  But now, almost a year and a half of being hospital free, they think that I'm better and everything should be like it was before.  I try to remind them of what I went through and the affects it can have.  I explain that it will get better someday but it will take time, and that I'm still on some medications that will prevent me from gaining that strength back right now.

We're all being patient, taking it day by day.  I know it will get better.  Eventually, I will be able to run around, exercise, and play, or even do simple household chores and not be worried about being winded, or coughing or my heart palpitating like crazy!!!

It's just a matter of one day at a time and dealing with the now rather worrying about a future that no one can control.  It's living in the moment and taking advantage of the things you can do!!!

Image source: http://funandfit.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/the-energizer-bunny-energizer-bunny.jpg