With a Heavy Heart...

I write this with a heavy heart today.  I need to "hold my head high" and go on living my life.  This is my day of closure and to help me process this somber day, I need to put my thoughts and feelings into this blog.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn't have much time to think of anything but surviving.  Once I was considered to be in remission, I began to reflect on many things in my life.  One of the things I thought about were my relationships with the people that have touched my life.  I've thought of those from the past and present.  When thinking of my past relationships, I thought of those who have passed on and how much they affected my life and how much I continue to miss them.  I also thought of some past relationships where we have lost touched and I wondered how they were doing.  I wondered when we would be able to meet again and hopefully, pick up where we left off.  I thought of one particular relationship of a family member I was once close to.  I've wondered how he had been doing and how I wanted to reach out so many times but never made the effort.

It wasn't until my relapse and transplant that I thought about making that effort.  I tried contacting family members asking for any contact information.  I even made attempts to contact his spouse through FB but received no response.  I began thinking and blaming his spouse.  I thought his spouse was withholding my attempted contacts.  But, unfortunately, I learned today that he has been aware of my attempted contacts and has chosen not to communicate with me nor salvage any form relationship.

This was devastating to learn.  I rarely cry when someone I know or love passes on.  I believe that that person who has passed on has gone on to something better and something far more great than anything we can realize, so why should I be sad.  I need to be thankful for the time I had with them and treasure those memories.  But it is quite different when the person you lose is still alive.  It hurts deeply to be rejected, at least that what it feels like.  I just don't understand how someone, especially family, could just turn their back like that.  My heart is very heavy and my tears will not stop falling.  I've never in my 38 years in life have ever felt the raw edge of a knife in my heart.  I will forever hold on to those wonderful memories of long ago when times were better.  But now, I will need to "hold my head high" and begin to move forward with this third chance at life.

Now, I am going to move forward with this aspect of my life.  Not only am I mourning for the loss of the person who once was a big part of my life, but also mourning for them.  I'm morning for their loss.  They are losing out on what would have been a lifetime of memories.

So today, I put to rest, AJM, who will always have a special place in my heart and I still only wish the best for.  I hold no anger or bitterness, just sadness for what could have been.  God bless and my thoughts and prayers will always be with you.