Another "Aha" Moment

Well, I have had another "Aha" moment.  I think I finally realized where I was going wrong and why I was continuing to get sick.  I was definitely pushing my body beyond its limits. Of course I understand that this is flu season and everyone is getting sick.  But, for me, I wasn't helping myself by pushing my limits.  I was actually wearing down my body.  I thought that because I was eating healthy and exercising regularly that I was doing my body "good" but I was actually wearing it down.

My body has been through so much and I really haven't thought of the "overall picture".  I have been mostly focusing on my life a week prior to my transplant and after.  I haven't thought about the year prior upon my initial diagnosis and several months of chemo treatments.  I didn't even have a full year in remission before I had my relapse.  Once I had my relapse, I was back in the hospital receiving my "lethal" doses of chemo to prep me for my transplant.  During all this time, my body hadn't had enough time to recover from everything prior. So, not only is my body trying to adjust to the foreign cells in my body, but all of the months and months and lethal doses of chemo.  I'm not sure why it has taken me this long to finally recognize the seriousness of what my body has gone through the past three years.

I guess all those chemo treatments and medications was not my main focus.  My main focus was "surviving". All the other stuff was just "stuff" and thought of just being part of the process.  Something that is considered normal when battling cancer.  I wasn't really focusing on how much stress my body was and still is being put through.  I have been beating myself up "internally" because I haven't been able to bounce back like I did before, and now, I'm understanding the reason "why".

When experiencing something like this, cancer and transplant, there are so many things to process and cope with.  Upon diagnosis of cancer your in the moment of survival.  Your listening to what all needs to be done and what works best and what doesn't.  With my form of cancer, I didn't have the ability to think too long on what avenue was the best.  I was working against time which I had very little of.  Decisions were made within minutes or hours because that was all I had.  Afterwards, during remission, it still was about survival and limiting my contact with the public with thoughts of "germaphobia" which are still present today.  Your conditioned, especially with my form of cancer, to be aware of germs and limit your exposure to the public.  Your conditioned to be wary and limit yourself from all that public contact.  It consumes your mind and thoughts, even when in remission. Even now, knowing I'm two years post-transplant, and my doctor saying I can live life more normally, it doesn't stop all those precautions that we (my family) were conditioned to do during my treatments.

So with all of these thoughts during treatment and the thoughts that occur after transplant dealing with all the external and internal changes, I wasn't thinking about what and how much my body has been through and the toll it has taken.

After having this "Aha" moment, I finally began to slow down.  I'm continuing to eat right and I'm still being active.  I'm just not pushing my boundaries of that physical activity.  I was burning myself out.  I need to condition my body to get back to where it once was before. I'm realizing that just because my mind is going a mile a minute doesn't mean my body is able to do the same.  I'm slowing down and I'm feeling so much better.  I'm taking it one day at a time and I'm listening and recognizing the signs if I'm doing too much.  I know I will get back to where I once was, its just going to take a bit longer and I'm okay with that.