Couch to 5K, Week 1 Day 2

Well, I just finished my second day of training.  I wasn't able to get my run in this morning, because I slept in and I began babysitting around 8 o'clock this morning until a little after four late this afternoon.  But, I was very excited to begin my second day.

During the warm-up and initial run, I was feeling motivated but once I had to increase the pace I wanted to quit.  My legs felt weak, my breathing became heavy and my heart was racing.  I thought to myself, "this didn't happen yesterday".  "Yesterday felt great".  I began having doubts on whether I could even finish Day 2 which wasn't any different than yesterday.  It consisted of 5 minute walking warm-up, 60 secs of running, and 90 seconds of brisk walking, and alternating that for 20 minutes, with the last 5 minutes being the cool down.  Piece of cake, right!?  Yeah, I thought so yesterday, but I have to say, I had to push through and motivate myself to continue.

This is the hard part of starting an exercise regimen.  I guess anyone could relate to this  But for me it's frustrating because I never had to struggle to get through a 30 minute workout.  My body lost so much muscle during my days, months, etc in isolation, at home or in the hospital, that it takes more energy, spirit, and motivation to get through it.  Add on top of that my diminished lung capacity as a result of my stem-cell transplant and an overactive heart rate due to the chemo and transplant, it takes some getting used to and adjusting.

But, I am happy to say, I fought through it.  I didn't give up.  I pushed through the work out and completed it.  I know that as time goes on, I will begin to rebuild what I lost.  I may have a few more health barriers than I did before cancer, but it doesn't mean that I can give up.

I just keep telling myself..."I'm doing this for me, I'm doing this for all those fighting their fight and I'm going to keep rocking on". \m/

Image Source: http://seasonitalready.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/couch_to_5kpic.jpg

Couch to 5K, Week 1 Day 1

Today is a New Day!!!

I had my "low" day yesterday and one thing I learned about low days, they MOTIVATE ME!!!  I can only allow myself so many low days.  It's not to say that I won't continue to have them, because I will.  I know myself enough to know that I'm an emotional person and I can be very affected by my life's circumstance/encounters, good or bad.

Yesterday, while I was at work, one of my best friends told me about an app to help motivate me to run a 5K in March in recognition of a little princess warrior who is fighting her fight.  So, here I am feeling so lucky to have such an awesome friend that keeps me motivated and has given me the incentive I need to become more fit & healthy, and all the while doing it for that sweet little girl.

I was hesitant to begin, but last night I posted on FB my plan to hold me accountable to begin this journey.  It was a little slow in the beginning and I wasn't quite feeling it.  But once I got into it, I didn't want to stop.  Afterwards, I felt so alive and exhilarated. It was a good training and I already can't wait for tomorrow to continue.

Today was the first day of my "Couch to 5K" training.  I walked a total of 10 minutes and ran 20 minutes, broken up in intervals.  During my training, I broke down crying for so many reasons and I can't even explain, other than it was for my circumstances with cancer, Livi's circumstances, and all the others so personal to me who keeps fighting or has lost their fight.

This training is not only for me, but for all those others who are fighting or who have lost the fight of the dreaded "C".  I will be posting daily, my feelings before, during and even after my training.  I hope that my high's and low's may motivate someone out there who just needs that little push and motivation.

Below is my 'playlist' for today's training.  Music motivates, and for those who know me, there is nothing better than some hard rock for a hard workout.  Rock on \m/

Todays Training Playlist:

1. Egypt Central - Kick Ass (this song was my theme song for fighting cancer and now gets me motivated)
2. Metallica - One
3. Hollywood Undead - Undead
4. Skillet - Sick of It
5. Avenged Sevenfold - Scream
6. Halestorm - Here's to Us
7. Rev Theory - Hell Yeah
8. Deuce - America
9. Nirvana - Lake of Fire

Image Source: http://seasonitalready.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/couch_to_5kpic.jpg

Healing

Having an emotional morning.  Many thoughts running through my mind.  This time of year many people think about the "holiday" season.  Some think of Thanksgiving and the traditions that come with it.  And following Thanksgiving, it's all about the Christmas season.  For me that is part of it, but mostly November becomes the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant.  I know that its been almost 3 years since my stem-cell transplant, and even though I still suffer from mild forms of GVHD, overall I'm doing really well and have much to be 'thankful' for.

But there are times when something occurs or the anniversary date of a particular incident through my battle of cancer that triggers a not so fond memory.  It's just not a memory of remembering, its a memory filled with all the emotions of what I was feeling at that time.  Being scared, being weak, even the feeling of being a burden.

Recently, I have learned of another whose young life has been recently affected by cancer.  Hearing all of the same terms or familiar treatments hits close to home.  Also, a close family friend is struggling with the 'will' to survive.  His form of cancer is an aggressive one and from the people who have been with him through his ordeal are seeing his will to survive becoming less and less, which also is all too familiar.

With the best of intentions, some people say to me to not allow that fear.  Not to look at the negative.  To remain positive and see the strength within me.  And I do allow the positive and the strength each and every second of each day. But, occasionally, more some days than others, I have those low moments.

Today is one of those low moments.  Combined with knowing a few individuals fighting their fight and the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant, it's all building up inside me right now needing to be released.  I've said this before, but one of the best emotional releases for me, is through my blogging.

And, yes, I know I'm in remission.  And I may be stronger (physically) than I was even a year ago, but  it's still a daily reminder.  Every day when I get up, I'm putting on that disguise, the wig.  It's such an oxymoron of feelings.  It allows me to feel more normally with my appearance, but mentally, its a burden too. With or without the wig, I still haven't dealt with who I am and how cancer has affected me.

I find my strength through blogging and writing.  There's just something therapeutic to see my thoughts and my feelings in written form.  Maybe it's the acknowledgment from others who have had a similar experience and tell me they feel the same way, which helps me feel more normal and not such a 'head case'.

This month may be a month of many postings, while I try to process where I am now, and where I was 3 or 4 years ago.

Emotionally and physically, I'm still 'healing'.

And I'm grateful and thankful for the love and support, and of course patience, of the family and friends who continue to offer guidance in my 'new' journey.

Image source:
http://www.wherewegonow.com/sites/g/files/g159651/f/styles/media_gallery_thumbnail/public/210_2.jpg?itok=T_5CbJRu

"Livin for Livi"

     

Olivia is 17 months old and is just beginning her journey battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). Please help SUPPORT her and her family in this time of need.

You can offer your support through a donation by clicking on the PayPal link below ...

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=chrissy12880%40hotmail.com&lc=US&item_name=LivinforLIvi&currency_code=USD&bn=PP-DonationsBF%3Abtn_donateCC_LG.gif%3ANonHosted

THANK YOU FOR YOU SUPPORT!!! 

Down With the Sickness...Again

It's that time of year, AGAIN!!!  Flu and Virus season...ugh!!!

Each year after my stem-cell transplant, I tell myself that this is the year that I will be strong enough to fight whatever flu or virus is going around.  Well, it's only September and I have already been laid flat twice.  Will this ever get better???  I keep hearing it from other stem-cell warriors, from my doctors, etc. but I seriously question it.

Some people may not think there isn't a battle because I'm in remission, but its still a battle every single day to stay strong and it can be exhausting. Every day is an emotional roller coaster.  Some days are going great then, whoosh, I'm falling.  Each day is full of peaks and valleys.  I'm not complaining and I'm not whining, it's just the reality of my life.

I also know there is no "perfect" life for anyone.  Everyone experiences stress and battles through each day to be where they are now.  There are, however, people that tend to struggle or battle through each day more than others.

Even though my battles are daily, I know that my stubbornness will not allow the weakness to set in.  I guess this is one positive of being stubborn and unwilling to change my way of thinking. So what started out as a sick one, is now becoming a victorious one.  Head ache is gone (without any medical aid), nausea is gone and my energy is returning.

Another battle fought, another battle won...and the "warrior" in me will be ready to fight another day!!!

Image Source: http://www.thecampuscompanion.com/2012/11/09/how-to-survive-getting-sick-in-college/i-feel-like-complete-shit/#.Uk1KxtKmjTo

I Sincerely Apologize...

I "sincerely" apologize to anyone who has sent me a private message on Facebook that has been unanswered.  I wasn't aware that when someone sends a message to a non-Facebook friend that those messages do not go into the regular "Inbox" but another folder labeled "Other".

I made this discovery today.  I have now responded to all those messages and would like to encourage you, if you are still interested, to continue sending those messages.

Now that I'm aware of the "Other" folder, I will respond as quickly as I can.

To all of you who have sent me messages, Thank you for your kind thoughts and words and for your support.  If I can offer any support, please don't hesitate to message me.

Thanks Again!!!
Deanna Coudriet Graham
(Facebook Name)

Blooming

A flower starts deep under the dirt and has to fight against gravity in the darkness before finally breaking free and opening its bloom to the sun. You may feel like you're in darkness and everything around you is muddy, but keep pushing toward the Light and when the time is right, you will burst into blossom. - God Wants You to Know

This morning, I came across this daily devotion.  It struck me on many emotional levels.  I'm not sure if its because of the anniversary of my relapse or if this is just the natural path of coping after experiencing such a life-altering ordeal, but my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.

I feel as though I'm this flower, that is pushing forward and slowly growing with the goal of breaking free into the fullness of the Light. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just the 'normal' emotional aftermath after experiencing cancer or if its based on the 'relapse' of cancer.  

I feel as though I have days where I'm growing and moving toward that light.  And other days, I'm immersed in shade and struggle to grow because of the fear of darkness setting in again. Even though its been three years since that abrupt darkness, having it thrust upon you so quickly has been difficult for me to cope with.  

I'm tired of carrying that burden of 'fear' of the possibility of the return of cancer, but I'm also scared of moving forward.  Sometimes, I feel so powerless.  I need and want to regain control of my power.  I'm tired of living in the shade, metaphorically and realistically. I want to immerse myself in the light and allow myself to blossom in "Life'.

Image source:

http://www.geramyum.com/blog/uploaded_images/DSC00613-779179.JPG