Blooming

A flower starts deep under the dirt and has to fight against gravity in the darkness before finally breaking free and opening its bloom to the sun. You may feel like you're in darkness and everything around you is muddy, but keep pushing toward the Light and when the time is right, you will burst into blossom. - God Wants You to Know

This morning, I came across this daily devotion.  It struck me on many emotional levels.  I'm not sure if its because of the anniversary of my relapse or if this is just the natural path of coping after experiencing such a life-altering ordeal, but my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.

I feel as though I'm this flower, that is pushing forward and slowly growing with the goal of breaking free into the fullness of the Light. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just the 'normal' emotional aftermath after experiencing cancer or if its based on the 'relapse' of cancer.  

I feel as though I have days where I'm growing and moving toward that light.  And other days, I'm immersed in shade and struggle to grow because of the fear of darkness setting in again. Even though its been three years since that abrupt darkness, having it thrust upon you so quickly has been difficult for me to cope with.  

I'm tired of carrying that burden of 'fear' of the possibility of the return of cancer, but I'm also scared of moving forward.  Sometimes, I feel so powerless.  I need and want to regain control of my power.  I'm tired of living in the shade, metaphorically and realistically. I want to immerse myself in the light and allow myself to blossom in "Life'.

Image source:

http://www.geramyum.com/blog/uploaded_images/DSC00613-779179.JPG