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"How are you doing"? Wow, that's a loaded question. If you mean right now at this moment, I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm with my family (husband, children, etc) appreciating that we are able to be with each other. So, to answer your question, I think I'm fine. So am I???
It's quite difficult to answer. I assume people are still concerned or want to know how I'm doing health-wise and all I can think is, "today I'm cancer-free". I'm here. I'm free. So today is a good day.
But it's more than just being "cancer free". There are days where my emotions are extreme and I either want to cry or I want to explode with anger and frustration. Sometimes, I want to do both. Or it can be I'm having a good day and something occurs that strikes an emotional chord with me that I feel a whirlwind of emotion that I don't feel I have control and either I tear up or vent in anger. Then after the episode, I become angry at myself for reacting the way I did and I beat myself up over my reaction, because I do have control. But for some reason, I'm not using that control.
Right now, it's 5 o'clock in the morning, I've been lying awake for an hour or so. I'm coughing and congested again feeling sorry for myself. With that sorrow comes the anger. Angry at myself for yet another weakness. When will all of this get better? It seems the only thing that is better is being cancer free and being able to be with my family and a few of my friends.
Maybe I thought that at this time, 2 1/2 years post-transplant, I would feel close back to normal. I knew I would never truly be back to where I was but I at least thought I would be a closer version than what I am right now.
Some people may think, "she thinks too much and just needs to enjoy being alive". Oh boy, how I wish it would be that easy. I did at one point in time feel that way. It was before my transplant, during my short time in remission. I was so happy, carefree, enjoying so much of life and being thankful for having a second opportunity to live. Then I relapsed. It was such a blow to my emotional/mental state. How do you recover from that???
The fear is always there. I know I have no control over it but it doesn't take it away. Like I said before, the emotional impact of my relapse was more devastating than my initial diagnosis. So what happens now? How do I move on from here? It seems when I try moving on, there is always some setback.
My blogging really does help. It helps keep all my thoughts in some form of order. And I've chosen to make some of my most private thoughts public, with the hopes of providing comfort to someone in a similar situation.
So I guess that is what I need to do. Keep blogging my thoughts and feelings, and utilize other healthy forms of therapeutic intervention, and just keep taking things day by day.
Only a person who had a form of cancer can relate to you blog. I have been in remission for a few years but my thyroid was removed and due to this I will always have hormonal problems and will all this comes the emotions. The smallest thing can set you off. It does feel like the harder you try to control it all, the more it falls apart! I am glad I read your blog!
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