My Sense of Freedom

I began my journey to Pittsburgh this morning knowing that I had my breathing test today.  What I didn't realize was the rush of so many emotions when walking outside toward the hospital doors.

I didn't realize until this moment on how much the days, weeks, and months of isolation affected me.  I didn't commit a crime, I didn't steal or even murder anyone but my life was like an incarceration.  There may have been no bars on the windows or doors being locked down.  There may have been no cuffs or no security patting me down.  But it didn't stop the feeling as though I was a prisoner. A prisoner to cancer.  A prisoner to the hospital, to my room, to my bed.  Even though there were no cuffs or shackles, my cuff and shackles existed in the pole I had to cart beside me while it pumped the necessary drugs into my body. 

When I was given permission to go outside, it was like a reward.  Something that may be comparable to a prisoner being given a reprieve to go outside for 'good behavior'.

During that time, those were not my thoughts, I was just living in the moment taking it hour by hour, day by day. But now, having and feeling the 'freedom' I have now, I didn't realize how isolated I felt.  Although I have no idea what its like to be incarcerated, I'm sure it could be very close.  I had no choice and had no control of my situation.  Cancer created my incarceration.

Today, as I got out of my car and began walking toward the hospital, I breathed deeply. I tilted my head back, closed my eyes and soaked up the sun's rays which was something I couldn't do before.  I relished in my sense of freedom.  I had no mask to cover my face.  I had no pole attached to my body.  I wasn't limited to my room, to the hospital halls or the hospital 'gardens'.  I was free to go wherever I chose to go. I remember during those isolated days, sitting in the garden, and watching my family come and go freely and how I ached for the moment that I would be able to do that again.

So today as I experienced those feelings, I became very emotional knowing that I have what I ached for. My ache has been soothed with my freedom. A freedom that I will never take for granted.