I am not a 'Survivor'.
I am a 'Warrior'. I am still fighting.
What have I been thinking?
I just woke up from a not so great dream, unrelated to Cancer, but it was mentioned in the dream. So, I'm lying here thinking of the dream and just realized “I didn't beat Cancer". It took having to have a stem-cell transplant for me (my body) to beat it.
I'm scared now. I really don't know what I have been thinking. I've been going on thinking that I won the battle. But, the Cancer actually won because it had come back. And the only way for it to be completely gone is my donor. My life-saver, my saving grace...my guardian angel. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here.
I'm not totally clueless that I didn't fight. I fought through the treatments and I'm still fighting the side effects. I still fight everyday to remain strong to keep the GVHD symptoms to a minimum. But if I do something that could put my donor cells at risk, my Cancer would be back..
I really don't know where my mind has been with this battle between life and death. Well, I guess I do. I was just trying to battle through whatever obstacle came my way. I'm not a Survivor. I am a 'Warrior'. The battle is still being fought. I will be battling everyday, for the rest of my life. I will be battling to keep my donor cells healthy and strong so that if that Cancer wants to show its presence again, those cells will be strong enough to 'win' the battle.
The doctors say that after 5 years, I'm considered 'cured', but am I really? Maybe if I had fought off Cancer myself I would be more able to believe that. It's my donor, Andrea, who has help me fight this battle. She is my armor and my sword. Without her, I wouldn't be here. I was grateful of her before I came to this realization so early this morning. But now, I can't even find the words to describe how much that means to me and how thankful I am.
So now, I will keep fighting. I will nourish the Warrior inside of me and will remain healthy and strong, so that it can make and keep my donor cells 'battle ready' for the enemy, Cancer, within.
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