Sometimes I question myself about why I feel so much guilt with my diagnosis with Leukemia and my relapse and transplant. Even though having cancer was out of my control, I feel guilt for what my husband, children, family and friends went through while I was fighting for my life. Is this normal???
Again, I know having cancer was something I couldn't control but it doesn't take away the feeling of guilt of what the burden of me having cancer had on my husband, my children, my family and even my friends. During my treatments and during my stem-cell transplant, I may occasionally had that "guilty" feeling but it was quickly replaced with fighting and surviving. It wasn't until after transplant, especially now 2 years later, that the guilt begins to set in. That "guilty" feeling hasn't lessened especially after seeing other success stories of individuals who have healed more quickly than me or have returned to working full-time more quickly than me. I understand that each person's experience with cancer and transplant is their own and there are no two experiences that are alike. Even knowing that still doesn't take some of that guilt away.
On the days where I'm not feeling 100%, I do feel that guilt. I feel guilt if I can't keep up with the things around the house. I feel guilt when I'm unable to attend an event. I feel guilt if I can't partake in something with my children, family or friends. I feel guilt that I haven't been able to return work full-time.
Why all this guilt? Is this showing a weakness in me or a fear I'm not aware of? I feel that so many people in my life have carried the burden of my cancer and the after-effects of that cancer and that if I can't do something or fulfill an obligation, I feel guilt for burdening them further.
Will this feeling of guilt ever go away? It's not a daily feeling. It may be more circumstantial and dependent on my mood that particular day. There are things internally that one goes through when battling for their Life whether it was due to an illness or a tragic accident and it continues after when trying to get back to normal.
The "guilt" and the "worrying" maybe just all part of the process of healing and moving forward. And to know that what I have been through was not something that was minor but a life-altering ordeal. It was something that was out of my control and I need to try and stop worrying and remove that burden of "guilt".
Thanks for expressing these emotions. I had AML and SCT in 2006. Went to work at new job in 2008. Lost that job in 2010 (looking back, I think I went back too soon, but disability insurance stopped....they thought I was healthy!) 2011- still hadn't found a job so enrolled in grad. school. I will graduate with my MSW in 6 weeks. It's been a hard journey and I still don't have the energy/endurance that I would like. I just feel like I'm lazy, then experience guilt from that!!!! I'm finally learning that when I'm down physically, I'll be down emotionally. Be kind to yourself. SCT affects every area of your life, not just physical. I'm 57 years old and I didn't have husband or children at home during recovery. I could barely take care of myself. I can't imagine trying to take care of others while recovering. Try to focus on the things you CAN do instead of things you can't and be grateful that you are still alive. We are miracles!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words of encouragement...it truly helps
DeleteIt's like the title of your blog says - It's a new normal...and maybe you just haven't wrapped your mind around it fully yet or accepted that you might not ever be able to do all the things you did before. I had my transplant in 2011 - a Haplo trial using my sister's 1/2 matched cells - they were processed to play nice with my cells and I was never on immune suppressants or steroids - that is why I believe my recovery has been so much easier than other transplant patients I have met. My children are older 22 and 18 and don't need me to function at the top of my game everyday...and my husband - GOD LOVE HIM - is more than ok with jumping in and taking on anything I ask him to...I still nap a couple times a week and if the kitchen isn't as clean as it used to be - I am OK with that!! I do what I need to make myself feel good and if that means taking life slower and differently then that is ok - remember - it is a NEW NORMAL!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your story and support...it really helps the journey of coping..processing and healing
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