Well, I must say my morning started out well. Enjoying my cup of cappuccino and reading on my Kindle. Enjoyed a simple breakfast and watched my morning show.
Afterwards, I decided that I lounged around enough and began my daily resolutions. After hopping into the shower, I soon discovered another simple bruise. Even though bruises are not uncommon, something as simple as a small dime-sized bruise can send me into a panic. I began running through a list of questions in my mind to determine source of bruise. Did I bump anything with my knee yesterday? Was there a time where I was kneeling that could have resulted in a bruise? Did I rest my knee on anything that could have resulted in a bruise? And as I was going through the list, I thought of other questions. Anything out of the ordinary with my overall well-being, other than being tired lately, nothing else was going on. No mouth sores or ulcers, no bleeding gums, no change in taste, etc. Therefore, I just concluded the bruise means nothing other than a normal bruise that anyone could get and began thinking about the rest of my day.
And that is when it hit me. Oh my God, this is the anniversary of my relapse!!! Three years ago, I received a call from my doctor stating that the leukemia had come back. He stated he wanted me in Pittsburgh that night and I refused. I refused because my daughter, age 6, was going to cheer for the first home football game and I was not going to miss that. Which leads me to today. My daughter will be doing the same thing tonight. It's like deja vu' but with knowing what comes next. It's so completely overwhelming.
I begin to panic again. My heart begins racing, my throat feels as though its closing up and my eyes begin to water. I start thinking, "this is the anniversary of my relapse". Oh my God! Please don't let this happen again.
I close my eyes and begin taking deep breaths in order to calm my nerves and calm my thoughts. I quickly tell myself that this time is different. I have healthy cells now due to my donor. Those cells are fighting the fight and keeping any leukemia cells at bay. My circumstances now are quite different from my circumstances three years ago.
I begin to calm down and realize that, yes, I will experience those so-called 'freak-out' moments and that is okay. It' just a part of my 'new normal'. And that those 'freak-out' moments have become less and less, which shows that even though the steps may be small, I'm beginning to heal emotionally, mentally and spiritually from the affects of cancer.
