Where Is My "Hat"...My Protection and Shield

Oh No!!!  Where did it go?  Did someone take it by mistake?  I know I wouldn't just lay it somewhere and forget about it.  I need it!!!  I have to have it just 'in case' something comes up where I need to wear it.  My heart is pounding, my throat becomes tight, my nose starts tingling and the tears begin to form.  I'm thinking to myself, "I can't believe your actually having a panic attack over losing a stupid gray dull hat"!!!  I go outside, in the dark, to the vehicle to look inside.  I step close to the truck and I notice directly below the door a dark spot in the snow.  I bend over and get close and there it is, my "hat".  I have such a sense of relief when I see it lying there in the snow.

I still can't believe the reaction I had to the thought of losing this damn hat.  My husband, the kids and I went out to camp today for a birthday party for the son and daughter of two really close friends.  There still is a lot of snow on the mountain top and even though I took the time to try and style my hair, I still had my dull gray hat with me, in my purse.  It goes with me everywhere when I venture out without it on.  I always need to have it as a back up, especially during the winter, because my head gets so cold, so easily.  My hair is so thin and even though its thickening up some, there is still much of my scalp to be seen.  And because of not having much to cover my head, I get cold quite quickly.  At least this is what I tell myself, which really is true, but I definitely realized tonight that it is only the partial truth.

My "hat" has become my security.  It has become a form of protection, almost like I'm invisible or more normal.  Some would think, how would wearing a winter hat make you feel more normal when most people hardly wear hats all the time like that?  And yes, normally I probably would agree with you but for me it does make me feel more normal and less self-conscious.

I really thought I was moving forward with my outward appearance but now I'm realizing I'm just lying to myself.  I am still having a difficult time with these outward changes.  Some people say that they don't see that much of a difference, even though my hair may be darker and I'm wearing glasses, many people still see the same person.  But for me, I still see a total stranger in the mirror.  It has become quite difficult for me and I realize I have been using my "hat" as a shield.  Maybe in some weird way, if I wear the hat, I'm covering what is so different about me and its easier to imagine the "old" Dee before cancer or relapse.  When I am not wearing the hat, I feel so exposed and so vulnerable.  Is this normal or am I literally going crazy?

I am very thankful that I'm still alive but why is this part so difficult for me to get through?  Is there anyone else out there that has been through something so life-altering which has affected your appearance that you may feel the same way?  If its not the hair, its the face for someone, or some other part of your body?  Why can't I get past this?  Some days I begin to feel good about the outward changes and I begin to accept them and then other days, I'm grabbing for that "hat", or that shield.

I need to learn to love me for who I am now, and after tonight, when I couldn't find my "hat" and nearly had a full-blown panic attack, I knew this attachment was not healthy.  I will try my best to take the steps to fully embrace this new version of me.  The steps my be small at times, and I may go in circles at times, but all I ask is for patience.  Patience within myself, and the patience of others around me.  I guess this is just part of the journey with learning to cope and heal.  I promise I will get there.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin, like I was before, it's just going to take a bit more time.

(Illustration from "I Want My Hat Back" by Jon Klassen)