Celebrate???

Well, it’s official; I got my bone marrow biopsy results today.  My doctor states I’m still in remission and I have 100% donor cells (which is a good thing)!!!  My appointment began with the physician assistant reviewing my results and explained more in depth what all the numbers mean, etc.  All I heard was this number is on the lower side and this other number is higher than normal.  The “higher than normal” part scared me because that was the red flag that told us something was wrong three years ago.  But both the physician assistant and the doctor stated that all is well and assured me that I’m still in remission.

I am very happy about this don’t get me wrong.  I’m not afraid to live and embrace life but why do I not feel the need to celebrate.  I have experienced beating leukemia the first time and I celebrated that remission.  I was living and loving life, than I relapsed.  The relapse changed me.  Even though everything was looking good, the relapse is preventing me now from fully celebrating this two-year remission.  That initial relapse has kept things in perspective for me.  It tells me that just because everything is looking good and feeling good, it can all be taken away in a second.  I think it has kept me more grounded and realistic.

During my first bout and treatment with leukemia , the doctors were saying how well I was doing and how quickly my body was healing and recovering my from chemo treatments.  They kept telling me how great everything was and when I made it to that year mark of being in remission, I was told that my chances of relapse were significantly low.  Well, I was that small percentage that relapsed.  So here I am today, being told the same things.  Being told how well I’m doing, how my body is going to take its time in recovering.  So, after hearing all the same things that were stated to me before, yes, I’m a little hesitate to celebrate. 

I guess how I am looking at things now, I see myself as already celebrating.  I’m enjoying this 3^rd chance of life.  I’m embracing life.  I’m embracing me.  And by embracing all that is being given to me, now is my form of celebration.  I don’t want to label this “celebration” to just this day or to this biopsy or appointment.  I am already celebrating by being able to live and breathe each day with my husband and children, family and friends.