My...... "Aha Moment"

As I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday, waiting to be called for my bone marrow biopsy, I was typing a quick blog on my phone as to how I was feeling at that moment.  Nothing was fake about it.  It was all open and raw feelings.  And once my name was called, I was walking down the hallway to the dreaded room.  I realized as I was going through the motions, that these motions I have gone through several times before.  It took me back to that very first day.  It took me back to the day of my very first biopsy.  All the faces were the same.  The man performing the biopsy, his nurse assistant, and my husband and mom by my bedside.  I realized that as I was laying on the bed staring at the lighted ceiling that this is about more than just a biopsy.  It brought back all that I was thinking and "fearing" that very first day, it's a reminder of that very traumatic day.  So as I am laying there being prepped for the procedure, I was able to reflect on the "fears" I had then and the "fears" that I have now.

And I realized my "fear" of this ongoing repetition.  I was questioning when this will ever stop. Its a reminder of the worst days of my life.  It's a reminder of what I don't ever want to experience again.  The procedure is not the most comfortable, but it's actually how I feel afterwards that's the worse.  The tiredness and the nausea and vomiting.  Not being able to feel 100% after a couple of days which is mostly due to the medications that are given to me, minutes before the procedure.  And there is no question, I will not have the procedure done without medications.  Like I have said before, a bone marrow biopsy without medication is excruciating.

So when does this change?  When do these feeling and "fears" disappear?  Will it ever get easier? I surely hope so.  Now that I have been able to pinpoint the exact "fears" with the whole process, I can take each one of those and turn them into a positive and know that I am in a different place than I was three years ago.  Many things have changed and they all have been for the better.  So even knowing somethings seem familiar and the same, they're actually not.  My life has changed so much!!!  There are many positive changes.  I'm a healthier and, in a sense, a stronger person.  I have dealt with many speed bumps, hills, and the greatest of all, mountains.  And by climbing that biggest mountain, I can do and climb anything.  I will not let "fear" consume me.  "Fear" can be very toxic and if you allow "fear" to consume you, you will not succeed in what you what to conquer.