Another Glimpse From My Perspective

Well, I must say my morning started out well.  Enjoying my cup of cappuccino and reading on my Kindle.  Enjoyed a simple breakfast and watched my morning show.

Afterwards, I decided that I lounged around enough and began my daily resolutions.  After hopping into the shower, I soon discovered another simple bruise.  Even though bruises are not uncommon, something as simple as a small dime-sized bruise can send me into a panic.  I began running through a list of questions in my mind to determine source of bruise.  Did I bump anything with my knee yesterday?  Was there a time where I was kneeling that could have resulted in a bruise?  Did I rest my knee on anything that could have resulted in a bruise? And as I was going through the list, I thought of other questions.  Anything out of the ordinary with my overall well-being, other than being tired lately, nothing else was going on.  No mouth sores or ulcers, no bleeding gums, no change in taste, etc.  Therefore, I just concluded the bruise means nothing other than a normal bruise that anyone could get and began thinking about the rest of my day.

And that is when it hit me.  Oh my God, this is the anniversary of my relapse!!!  Three years ago, I received a call from my doctor stating that the leukemia had come back.  He stated he wanted me in Pittsburgh that night and I refused.  I refused because my daughter, age 6, was going to cheer for the first home football game and I was not going to miss that.  Which leads me to today.  My daughter will be doing the same thing tonight.  It's like deja vu' but with knowing what comes next.  It's so completely overwhelming.

I begin to panic again.  My heart begins racing, my throat feels as though its closing up and my eyes begin to water.  I start thinking, "this is the anniversary of my relapse".  Oh my God! Please don't let this happen again.

I close my eyes and begin taking deep breaths in order to calm my nerves and calm my thoughts.  I quickly tell myself that this time is different.  I have healthy cells now due to my donor.  Those cells are fighting the fight and keeping any leukemia cells at bay. My circumstances now are quite different from my circumstances three years ago.

I begin to calm down and realize that, yes, I will experience those so-called 'freak-out' moments and that is okay. It' just a part of my 'new normal'. And that those 'freak-out' moments have become less and less, which shows that even though the steps may be small,  I'm beginning to heal emotionally, mentally and spiritually from the affects of cancer.

Blog Updates & Changes

Don't be alarmed if you notice the look of my blog has changed. Somehow I lost many of my blog photos. Unsure how this happened. I will be working on site, updating and making changes.

If your new to my blog, please don't hesitate to check out my posts. And, if your an ongoing follower, THANK YOU for your ongoing support...more to come!!! :)

One Perspective from the Eyes of a Cancer Patient

                

 

What do you see when you look at these two pictures?  What similarities do you notice?  What are the differences?

From the average, normal person's perspective, you may see a medical professional and the other, may be a professional that handles toxic chemicals in some capacity.  From my perspective, being a cancer warrior, they are one in the same.  

As I was reading another warrior's blog today, I was reminded of my days in the hospital when receiving most of my doses of chemotherapy.  The image on the left is what actually was approaching me but in my mind's eye, I saw the image on the right.  I'm not sure if other people who have suffered from cancer have ever felt this way, but this has been my perspective.

I have heard the words "toxic" and "lethal" prior to (and sometimes after) the drugs were being administered into my body.  Chemo is really a frightening concept. Because of no other treatment options, other than death, your sitting or lying there allowing this toxic chemical into your body.  You realize and understand that this toxic chemical not only destroys the cancer cells but also the good cells.  The reality of your situation becomes so clear when the nurse administering the chemo has to put a protective gown on, use special hazardous chemical gloves, and mask their face.  You're lying there thinking..."holy shit, this is really serious".  You begin thinking and second guessing if this is really the best way to do this? You're constantly thinking of alternatives but sometimes it's the only option.

At times, even though the doctors and nurses, tried to minimalize the experience of receiving the chemo, it felt as though that person in the "hazmat" suit was approaching me and performing some kind of scientific experiment on me.  It felt as though so many people were hoping this would be the chemo regimen that would work.  And if it didn't, it would need to be something else.  

 
So now here I am after the experience, of cancer and transplant, thinking of those several months following my initial diagnosis that consisted of weekly chemo.  And then, of the week prior to transplant.  Chemo levels that were so toxic, they labeled it as 'lethal'.

Its so scary.  Your taught that long term exposure to chemicals can be life threatening, but yet here you are allowing certain chemicals into your body.  Its such an oxymoron. 

Again, this is only my perspective of my experience. And when reflecting back, it is yet another grain of sand in the hour glass that I need to process and heal as time continues to move on.

Image Sources:

http://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00yMwaOedEKKkm/Nonwoven-Surgical-Gown.jpg

http://daxko.com/cultureblog/files/2009/10/hazmat.jpg

Are You Willing To Sacrifice Your Self-Worth

I came across this quote today and it definitely hits close to home.  I have been asking many questions and have been experiencing many emotions from extreme anger to heart-breaking sadness for some of the most precious people in my life.  I have battled on whether I should even blog about my feelings.  And I realized that this is me.  This is who I am.  I would not only be lying to myself but to the others that read my blogs.

This is the best form of therapy.  It helps me heal and process so many things that run through my mind.  My thoughts and emotions have been in complete turmoil.  The above quote couldn't be more perfect.  It has given me a new perspective on how to look at circumstances that could be defined as stressful or even volatile.  I consider myself a very forgiving person, even in the most stressful situations.  But there comes a time when you have to question whether your forgiveness is worth giving up your 'self-worth'.  At this time, it saddens me to say that it isn't.  My self-worth is more important.  My husband and children are worth it too.  Not only is this enlightening for me, but for my family.  It's another life lesson.

We, my family and I, have been through so much that this is the time for all of us to be rejoicing and embracing life. Sure I'm aware that there will always be a day that will be more stressful than others because that is just the way life is.  But ongoing heartache should not be one of those stressors.

After every thing I have been through, and still trying to process, I'm not willing to sacrifice my self-worth.  It's time to know that some things are, more than likely, not going to change and I need to move forward.

So keep the above quote in mind when you are faced with a stressful situation with someone and ask yourself whether its a time of forgiveness or if your self-worth is more important.


Image Source: http://www.thehiyl.com/2012/04/self-worth-treatment.html

Giving Back

Recently, my thoughts have been going about a mile a minute due to some more than somber circumstances. A close friend of the family has recently been diagnosed with two different forms of cancer.  One form is so rare that the outcome of the treatment plan is uncertain.  I have spoken to him a few times and have made two visits.  He has even stated to others that out of all his visitors, my visits have meant the most to him.  Is it because we share the experience of cancer and all the emotions, thoughts and fears that come with it?  During our first visit, I just sat and listened to him.  At times, I held his hand.  I understood what he was saying.  I understood his fears and the concern for his family that he may leave behind.

It became clear to me after my second visit, that I became his 'hope'.  His hope of surviving the two different forms of cancer that has violated his body.  I am proof that even though cancer violated me twice, I still survived.  Even knowing I had survived from the help of my donor, I'm still here.

I want to be that beacon of 'hope' for others as well or at least assist those suffering from cancer in finding their beacon of 'hope..  I want to empower them to fight, no matter how tired or lousy they may feel.

When reflecting on my own experience with cancer, I do not look at it as a negative.  It has been enlightening and has opened my eyes to the strengths I didn't know I had.

This is what I want to do.  This is my passion.  This is what I'm meant to do and my purpose.  I want to be there for those who are suffering from the effects of cancer, whether it's the patient, or the patient's family.  This is how I want to give back.

I'm trying to find my niche.  I'm not one that some would consider 'out-going' or the 'life of the party'.  I'm more the type of person to be behind the scenes thinking and planning.  I having been thinking and planning for some time, and hopefully, will be taking the next steps to put my plan into action.

So in the words of Maya Angelou "my mission in life isn't merely to survive; but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style".

Image Source: http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/5996810/il_570xN.260993471.jpg

Hello, My Name is...

Do you ever fully recover from a cancer diagnosis? Is it similar to a person who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, or some other form of addiction?It's not about the craving or the need for it, but the fear of its return. This is one thing I learned at the support meeting I attended.  The speaker made a correlation between someone being addicted to alcohol or drugs and trying to live day by day sober.  Well, the same could be said about cancer.  For those of us who have suffered from the disease and are now currently in remission, some of us live each day struggling with the thought of relapse.

Yesterday was the the four year anniversary date of my initial diagnosis.  It's very fresh on my mind.  I had a difficult time sleeping last night because of it.  I tried many times to use 'positive thinking' about where I'm at now regarding my health.  Anytime I began thinking negatively, or became fearful , I found something positive to erase the negative feelings.

Today, I was faced with one of those fears.  I discovered it after I got out of the shower and was getting ready for work.  While I was putting lotion on my legs, I discovered a few bruises on my shin.  One of those was bigger than the others.  I instantly thought about my initial bruising I had when I was initially diagnosed, and then I thought about the bruising when I relapsed.  Each of those times, the bruises, were slightly different.  The bruises today, resembled my relapse bruises.  I reacted instantly by stripping down to the bare and looking in the mirror trying to discover if there were any more I wasn't aware of.  Once I saw there were no more bruises, I began to calm down.  But not enough for my peace of mind.  Once I got dressed and finished getting ready, I went looking for my husband.  I needed his reassurance that the bruises looked normal.  I needed him to tell me it was okay.  But even with his reassurance, I'm still fearful.

I'm wracking my brain thinking of any incident that could have initiated these bruises.  I haven't thought of anything yet, but I'm sure there is a reasonable, healthy explanation. I will be more hyper-aware of my activities until I meet with my doctor in mid-July.  I need to do this because, if it is relapse, time is not on my side.  I will just keep hoping and praying this is just typical bruising and try moving forward with my life.

Image Source: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/dosecreative/dosecreative1007/dosecreative100700047/7349260-hi-my-name-is.jpg

Once Upon A Time...

Once Upon A Time, four years to be exact, there was a young women whose body was changing.  The changes were not for the better, they were far worse.  She was developing mouth sores, her tastes in foods were changing, her hair was becoming lifeless and dull.  She would go to bed with near flawless skin and wake up to bruises the size of softballs or even larger without any particular incident causing them. She knew deep down that something was wrong and that something was Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

On June 25, 2009, my world completely changed.  My goals were no longer my goals.  My outlook on life was no longer the same.  I had less than 24 hours to make peace with myself and the many people in my life because I wasn't sure if I was going to make it.  I had to prepare my children, who were 6 and 4 at the time, that their mommy was going to be gone for sometime.  I had to explain to them that I would be having long stays in the hospital, sometimes weeks/months at a time, while in isolation.  There were times, I couldn't comfort them with hugs or kisses for fear of becoming sick due to my suppressed and even, at times, non-existent immune system.  All of our lives were uprooted, living between home, hospital and hospital housing that were over two hours apart from each other.  We even celebrated holidays and birthdays in the hospital.

This was just the beginning to our "new beginning".  I wasn't the only one affected.  My family, friends, co-workers, etc. were all affected in some way.  Even though it was a fight and struggle, it taught me so much.

It has taught me to take each day, one day at a time.  It has opened my eyes to the beauty of life.  It has shown me what things are truly important and has made me aware not to worry about the trivial things.  I have learned to stop worrying about the things that can't be controlled because its a waste of energy and time.

I'm still learning what this 'new normal' means. I'm trying to discover what is next in my life's journey.  I certainly know what is my passion.  Now, I just need to figure out how to see it through.

I hope that I have shown others, and especially my children, that we all struggle at some point in time.  Some may struggle more than others.  But those struggles are only temporary and with the right attitude, you can achieve anything you set your mind too.

Image Source: http://calibermag.org/articles/doing-it-for-the-story/