In Limbo

I'm stuck.
I'm not regressing.
I'm not moving forward.
I'm just there.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. Do I move forward and leave all of cancer behind me? Or do I go left or do I go right? Will I encounter something new as a result of cancer or will I awaken something or somethings that have been dormant, only to battle and conquer again?

I know what I cannot do. I cannot and will not go back. I can't even make myself turn around. I can't even take a peek. Because what you think would be an innocent peek, would be like an innocent peek at Medusa. In just that fraction of a second, your life could end. It could turn you to stone keeping you stuck in a time you never want to relive.

I think that my path is becoming the one where I choose to move forward. But even when I move forward, somewhere on that path, I am faced with another and the only option is left or right. I need to choose because going back isn't an option. Whichever I choose it leads me to moving again to choose yet again.

This has become my new normal. A life in limbo. A life of moving forward. A life of walking in circles. But never, NEVER will it be a life going back.

Image source
http://www.meahrobertson.com.au/crossroads

#MakeItAGreatOne

Life After Cancer

This article is amazingly accurate....feels like she was inside my own head and read my thoughts

Check out this article...

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/well/2015/03/16/lost-in-transition-after-cancer/?_r=0&referer=

September - Blood Cancer Awareness Month

For all those who have fought the battle and who are still fighting!!!


Image sorce; 
Instagram  @bonemarrowstemcelltransplantclub 

How many of you can relate???

Need Feedback....

Is it too short to try extensions to add thickness and fill in the bare, thin spots???

#feelingbrave #sixyearsinremission #hopingtoditchthewig #nofilter

It Will All Be Okay

The above quote can't be anymore true. Seven years seems so long ago, but the experience still feels like it was yesterday. I can't believe its been seven years since my initial diagnosis.

Is it because of my current circumstances? The ongoing side effects? The continued hair loss? The doctors appointments that still occur every three or four months rather than once a year or once every two years?

It seems that no matter how much I try to move on, it's a constant reminder. I know I need to accept these changes because they are things I cannot change. The chronic GVHD won't go away. My near baldless head won't be a full head of hair again. The weight gain will continue to be an ongoing battle. My breathing may always be winded with coughing episodes here and there.

So even though I know all of these things and try to accept them, something small occurs to trigger my worst fear...relapse.

It happened on vacation. I had a couple bruises appear and a few more the next day. This obviously is out of the norm for me so I became scared because this had happened with my relapse. So I reached out to family and a couple friends to give me the strength and support to not worry and think the worst. They gave me support and prayers which gave me great comfort. I prayed and prayed, cried and cried, and prayed and prayed again. And for those who believe in divine signs, I had them. I had an angel-like image appear in a picture. Some say it was the glare of the sun, but I will believe it was a sign from up above. Also, a quote had appeared in an ad in my newsfeed stating 'everything will be fine because I'm watching over you'. Seeing and reading that gave me more peace. I didnt dwell but enjoyed the rest of vacation, laughing and playing in the ocean waves and sun with my family. It was one of the best vacations ever.

So here I am today feeling overwhelmed by emotions, both content and happy with a little bit of fear. I had blood drawn yesterday and Im waiting for the results. But I truly believe it will all be okay.

No matter what happens, it will all be okay because of the love and support of my family, my friends and the divine ones who are watching over me.

So take this moment to love one another and to treasure every moment you have with each other.

God bless!!! 🕆💗