I'm stuck.
I'm not regressing.
I'm not moving forward.
I'm just there.
I feel like I'm at a crossroad. Do I move forward and leave all of cancer behind me? Or do I go left or do I go right? Will I encounter something new as a result of cancer or will I awaken something or somethings that have been dormant, only to battle and conquer again?
I know what I cannot do. I cannot and will not go back. I can't even make myself turn around. I can't even take a peek. Because what you think would be an innocent peek, would be like an innocent peek at Medusa. In just that fraction of a second, your life could end. It could turn you to stone keeping you stuck in a time you never want to relive.
I think that my path is becoming the one where I choose to move forward. But even when I move forward, somewhere on that path, I am faced with another and the only option is left or right. I need to choose because going back isn't an option. Whichever I choose it leads me to moving again to choose yet again.
This has become my new normal. A life in limbo. A life of moving forward. A life of walking in circles. But never, NEVER will it be a life going back.
Image source
http://www.meahrobertson.com.au/crossroads
I had blogged for years but my blog took on a new life, and was a kind of therapy for me, after my husband was diagnosed with AML. I thought it would be a way to share with our family and friends the medical ins and outs that followed us through his treatment and subsequent (two) stem cell transplants. Instead, it became a place that I went to sort it all out...and to try and use the experience to mold us into better people who were able to see all the good in the world. This life we live is a work in process...
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