Recognizing The Signs

For those who have Facebook, each day you are able to look at your memories and re-share posts from years ago. This is one of mine and as you can see from my post above, I knew deep down something wasn't right.

I had an ulcer-like sore in my mouth and bleeding gums that I needed to see the dentist for. I remember the bleeding gums being one of the first signs. I would be in the shower each day getting ready for work and all of a sudden I would taste blood. I was always confused wondering why this would happen everytime I took a shower and then the ulcer-like sore appeared.

I remember my sense of taste not being quite right and my hair being lifeless and dull. This was just the beginning. The bruises came next. They were large sometimes as large as a tea cup saucer. Still to this day, a bruise is never a bruise regardless if it's on me or someone else. When I see one, I am instantly reminded of what they meant 7 years ago.

To be honest, I really don't need the Facebook timeline to remind me of the days leading up to my battle.  I relive it every year and it doesnt seem to get easier. It's my truth. It's my journey. It's my new normal.

National Cancer Survivors Day

National Cancer Survivors Day
#sevenyearssurviving #sevenyearsfighting #sevenyearshopingandpraying #nationalcancersurvivorsday #ncsd #celebratelife #leukemia #orangestrong

My Own Pity Party

Tonight I'm having one of those rough nights. I had just got done washing and styling my wig and thats all it took for my mini-breakdown. I miss having actual hair to cut, color and style.

I don't resemble anything close to who I was before my relapse.  My hair isnt even growing in anymore. There are times that I question if I would have never began using thr wig, would my hair have grown back?

Why cant I accept this new me? The bald, chunky, squinty eyed new me. I feel so wretched.

I miss the person in the photo. I miss the happy, go-lucky person I was before my relapse. Is she gone? Will she ever come back? Only time will tell.

Just 'be"

This is one of my most favorite pictures. It's of my daughter when we were at the beach last year. When I look at this picture I see someone who is celebrating life. Who is celebrating a moment. Who is free, content and happy.

This picture also reflects how I'm feeling at this moment. I am feeling all of those things mentioned above. I am truly blessed. I am grateful for each new day that I am able to wake up on my own and get out of bed and go to work. Even though some days, I want to crawl back in because of the many side-effects from the stem-cell transplant. I keep battling on.

Life is a gift and the people who cross our paths are gifts. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many more yet to be met.

The journey just keeps getting better. Cancer may have tried to ruin me, but it has done the opposite. It has strengthened me and has helped me appreciate all the good things in life no matter how big or how small.

It's good to be alive. It's good to just 'be'.

GVHD Sucks

Fairly new side effect, have had it off and on...small red bumps on fingers, sometimes itchy and sometimes not, usualy just a couple, but now all have surfaced...difficulty grasping... even holding a plastic spoon hurts
#gvhdsucks #cancereventhoughyouregoneyouhavetotallyscrewedwithmylife #ihateyoucancer

Image source:http://blooddiseasedestination.com/tag/mds/

a Moment of Clarity

I Surrender

This is one of the most difficult entry's I have posted. It's so difficult because it's the blatant and embarassing truth of where I'm at in my life and how this whole experience has affected me. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I do. But social media can have its benefits. I have learned through the many forums I have joined regarding stem-cell transplants that many of us share similar experiences and side effects. And the experiences and side effects I'm referring to are anxiety, depression and even PTSD.

I guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I had my first anxiety/panic attack last week. This occurred at work. As soon as it happened and was over, I was embarassed. I was ashamed. And I felt like I didn't have control .

The situation involved a local news channel wanting to tape a segment about one of the programs the agency offers. My boss was out of town and it was up to me to do this. I instantly became nervous thinking of what I was going to say. Then those nerves led into becoming extremely warm, my heart started beating more rapidly and my chest felt heavy. I was in the room with three other people but I felt like I was so alone and also felt as if the room was closing in on me. And while all of this was happening, I was picturing myself being broadcast on TV. That I would be on display as one of those so-called 'freaks' back in the time when circuses or carnivals would  display them for other people's  viewing pleasure to either gawk at or make fun of. This is how I felt. Once I came out of my attack, I felt shame and embarassment. I felt as though I let me boss down and that I didn't fulfill my duty as a manager. I'm supposed to be a leader and lead by example and have confidence but I failed. I didn't do any of those things. Actually, my boss was on the phone with me and talked me out of the attack. She was very supportive that day and still is which I'm very grateful for.

But since that episode I realized I'm not as well off emotionally as I thought I was. I thought I was becoming more comfortable and coming to terms with my 'new' normal self when really I'm not. I feel as though I'm a freak out walking amongst the normal. I wear a wig to appear more normal but I feel as though people see through the so'called disguise and see the squinty-eyed,  near-hairless, overweight freak underneath.

It has been said that many symptoms of anxiety, depression and PTSD are quite common post Cancer. And that it could be a result of the combination of both the chemo and meds that are used, as well as, the whole experience which results in a lot of stuff.

So now that I've come to terms of my so-called underlying freak status, combined with my self-diagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD, I realize I need to seek some professionsl intervention.

I don't want to live this way.  I want to finally come to peace with everything I've been through and with who I am now.

Image source: http://thefamilyfirstcoach.com/2013/06/i-surrender/