Tonight I'm having one of those rough nights. I had just got done washing and styling my wig and thats all it took for my mini-breakdown. I miss having actual hair to cut, color and style.
I don't resemble anything close to who I was before my relapse. My hair isnt even growing in anymore. There are times that I question if I would have never began using thr wig, would my hair have grown back?
Why cant I accept this new me? The bald, chunky, squinty eyed new me. I feel so wretched.
I miss the person in the photo. I miss the happy, go-lucky person I was before my relapse. Is she gone? Will she ever come back? Only time will tell.
I hated when people talked about the "new normal" because I liked the normal normal!! I had spent 2 years growing out my hair and loved it! I ended up losing it twice. Eventually, you will accept the new you. It's a loss and you have to grieve the old you, the old life, the old everything. The thing you need to remember is that you are here now, so what are you going to do with that? That being said, you're entitled to have a meltdown now and again - you're only human. I am taking Prednisone and have "moon face" and my weight goes up and down daily....not pretty. The best we can do is the best we can do. Take care!
ReplyDeleteNormal isn't anywhere. It's a comfortable place that you don't have to work on to be present in it. It's a lonely place that outsiders won't understand. I am constantly being told how grateful I should be to have survived this. Do they even realize how that every minute of the day feeling grateful is a distant haze from where you feel from moment to moment? Hourly, daily, weekly is a new moment for me and I don't know how I'm going to feel.
ReplyDeleteNormal isn't anywhere. It's a comfortable place that you don't have to work on to be present in it. It's a lonely place that outsiders won't understand. I am constantly being told how grateful I should be to have survived this. Do they even realize how that every minute of the day feeling grateful is a distant haze from where you feel from moment to moment? Hourly, daily, weekly is a new moment for me and I don't know how I'm going to feel.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. I feel the same way. Yes, yes, yes, I'm glad that I'm alive. But I miss, want my old self back. And I won't get it back. My lungs have been damaged with gvhd/ob. I'll never be able to work out like I use to. My face has been swollen for over 18 months on steroids. I'm tired of the stares. I'm tired of looking down at the ground because I don't want people to look at my face. I'm so mad at myself for caving into those steroid food cravings and now I'm over 25 pounds overweight. But sometimes, eating food makes me happy, for a little bit. I hate how I have to think how I'm going to go to a college football game because of climbing all the stairs. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, this is reality. Aargh!!!
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest challenge is this "journey" - whatever you want to call it, is that, in my case, you are changed as a person. No one ever told me that. I will not be the same person. And honestly, I liked my "old" person. This "new" person sucks.
I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel I must not be grateful enough because I feel so down. As hard as I try to live in the present moment it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. The loneliness is almost unbearable. Thank you for expressing what I often feel. I don't know how to fix it but at least I know there is someone else fighting my same battle.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments...my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
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