And So It Began

Just An Illusion

Tonight I learned another thing about myself. I thought I was comfortable in my own skin. I thought I was accepting who I am now. But what I've learned is that it's all been an illusion, more so to myself than anyone else. A few weeks ago someone had said to me that they didn't recognize me because of all the weight I gained and how big I was. It cut deep, in fact I'm still cut and bleeding from those words. I just want to stay at home behind closed doors. I feel ugly. I feel that my weight is out of my control. It's hard to get a handle on it  because of my meds and side-effects from stem-cell transplant. Because of the gvhd in my lungs my lung capacity is only at 48% which limits my activity level. Sometimes a flight of stairs winds me.
I need and want to lose the weight but I feel lost. I feel stuck. Everytime I try to make an effort, I fail because of some damn limitation. Add on to that that I'm partially bald. When my hair grows in its only partially. You can see more of my scalp than hair so I just keep it shaved. Even though the cancer is gone, the rest of me still feels stuck. Still in limbo. Some may think why can't she just be happy to be alive and that those are only small issues but they really are not. They are big. Being in remission doesn't mean that everything is all better and you can go back to living life normally. I will never have the life I once had. I can strive to get as close to it as possible. But Everytime I try there is yet another roadblock.
Tonight I attended an event for a couple.of friends speaking of a product that I could benefit from. And while everyone was speaking of their personal experiences I was putting all my energy into not crying. Everything they were speaking of is what I want so badly. It seems so good to be true but what if it doesn't work for me? Is this how I will be for the rest of my life?
Maybe my emotions are just out of whack because 5 years ago this would be the week I was being prepped for my stem-cell transplant. November 30th will be my 5 year anniversary or as they say in the transplant world, re-birthday.
I just thought I would be more ahead than I am now. Lung and Thyroid issues. Possible cataracts in both eyes. Fatigue and Memory issues. I just want a break. I miss feeling normal. This new normal is difficult to accept. But I don't have a choice. If I don't accept it than it could be worse with me no longer being here. I thouhht it would be easier by now. I just need to learn that just because I accept what it is doesn't mean I have to like it.

Being Brave

I remember the exact time I had to decide whether to live or die. Whether to continue fighting or give up the fight.

Let me give a little background of what was going on at that time. It was the time even before my relapse. It was toward the end of all my chemo treatments and I was living with my mom and dad because the kids were elementary school age which resulted in numerous germs and illnesses they could bring home and I couldn’t risk the exposure. The nine (9) months of chemo began taking its toll on my body. I had been very weak and tired. I was beginning to lose my will of survival by not eating and not allowing my body the nourishment it needed. I was thinking that I really didn’t want to continue with this. I wanted to give up. I wanted all the pain and discomfort to end. I wanted the pain and stress to end for my family. I began thinking it would be so much better if I just let go. Sure my family and friends would grieve but time would heal and they would be able to move on. I could absolutely feel the darkness of the reaper lingering close by. It is one of the scariest feelings ever. So as I was feeling the end was near and thinking these thoughts, my mom and dad wanted me to get ready because they were taking me to see the kids and Isaac. And honestly, I really was not up for it. I missed all of them dearly but internally, I just had made the decision to let go. But I went anyway.

I remember the kids being excited to see me and just not having the energy to be happy. I had it in my head that this would be one of my last visits. I was feeling so weak that all of their excitement and energy was draining me even more and I wanted to cut the visit short. I just needed to be away. I needed time to myself to let go. I said my good byes as if they were my last. It wasn’t until I got back to my mom and dads that I was again thinking about what I should do and began asking myself questions. Should I just let go and allow the cancer to slowly kill me? What will become of Isaac? What will this do to the kids and how will it affect them for the rest of their lives? And then it was like a movie began playing in my head fast forwarding throughout the kids’ lives and all of the milestones and important things that I would be missing. I began thinking about the difficult goodbyes with them crying and begging not to leave me at the hospital. I began thinking of Isaac raising them on his own alone, for a period of time, or until he found someone else to move on with. And while I kept on thinking of more and more things, I began to realize that to hell with this. I am not going to allow any of them to have to go through that or worry about any of that because I am not going anywhere. I realized I am a lot stronger than that and I won’t give in. At that moment, the warrior inside of me took over.

Thank goodness for that warrior inside me because if it weren’t for the warrior I’m not sure how or if I would have survived the stem-cell transplant. I remember laying with Isaac on our bed days before I had to leave for Pittsburgh to prep for the stem-cell transplant. I remember him just holding me and telling me I need to fight, I can’t leave them. It was as if he was trying to give me a pep talk so that I will battle through. And I remember thinking to myself, why is he saying this. I know what to do. I made up my mind the before relapse that I’m not going to let ‘this’  beat me. I’ve got this. I don’t remember if I was convincing or not but I do know that even though I had an army of people cheering me on, praying for me and supporting me, it was an internal battle that only one person could fight.

I fought hard and I still fight hard every day. The battle still carries on and I will remain victorious.  It was most definitely the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done.

Image source :

Instagram @wilfredmorillo 

Enjoying Life

Embrace Life

Seized by Fear

Emotionally, I have been doing fairly well. But with anything those good days tend to become not-so-good days.

It can be something little that can trigger uncontrollable tears or it can be something bigger that reminds you of a potential relapse and your mind remembers the past and fast forwards it into an 'unknown' future that you actually know the ending to.

The images that are on fast forward in your mind are so real and so scary that the panic begins to set in. In your mind, you begin telling yourself it cannot and will not happen again. But just thinking it isn't enough that you begin talking to yourself and saying it out loud and on repeat so that you can convince yourself that that fear will not happen. You begin to break with tears streaming down your face while trying to catch a breath. And it can't be controlled. It happens at home, or in the car, it has even happened at work.

The fear is real. The panic is overwhelming. Is this normal? Why can't I be stronger? I am trying to remain postive. I make a concious effort to be grateful for each new day and love every moment. But no matter how hard I try, the dark shadow is lurking nearby to remind me of what could be.

Emotional Aftermath Post Cancer

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/patient-advice/articles/2015/06/26/the-emotional-aftermath-of-cancer