Just An Illusion

Tonight I learned another thing about myself. I thought I was comfortable in my own skin. I thought I was accepting who I am now. But what I've learned is that it's all been an illusion, more so to myself than anyone else. A few weeks ago someone had said to me that they didn't recognize me because of all the weight I gained and how big I was. It cut deep, in fact I'm still cut and bleeding from those words. I just want to stay at home behind closed doors. I feel ugly. I feel that my weight is out of my control. It's hard to get a handle on it  because of my meds and side-effects from stem-cell transplant. Because of the gvhd in my lungs my lung capacity is only at 48% which limits my activity level. Sometimes a flight of stairs winds me.
I need and want to lose the weight but I feel lost. I feel stuck. Everytime I try to make an effort, I fail because of some damn limitation. Add on to that that I'm partially bald. When my hair grows in its only partially. You can see more of my scalp than hair so I just keep it shaved. Even though the cancer is gone, the rest of me still feels stuck. Still in limbo. Some may think why can't she just be happy to be alive and that those are only small issues but they really are not. They are big. Being in remission doesn't mean that everything is all better and you can go back to living life normally. I will never have the life I once had. I can strive to get as close to it as possible. But Everytime I try there is yet another roadblock.
Tonight I attended an event for a couple.of friends speaking of a product that I could benefit from. And while everyone was speaking of their personal experiences I was putting all my energy into not crying. Everything they were speaking of is what I want so badly. It seems so good to be true but what if it doesn't work for me? Is this how I will be for the rest of my life?
Maybe my emotions are just out of whack because 5 years ago this would be the week I was being prepped for my stem-cell transplant. November 30th will be my 5 year anniversary or as they say in the transplant world, re-birthday.
I just thought I would be more ahead than I am now. Lung and Thyroid issues. Possible cataracts in both eyes. Fatigue and Memory issues. I just want a break. I miss feeling normal. This new normal is difficult to accept. But I don't have a choice. If I don't accept it than it could be worse with me no longer being here. I thouhht it would be easier by now. I just need to learn that just because I accept what it is doesn't mean I have to like it.