A Cleansing of Tears

It's 5 am. Woke myself up crying. The fear is creeping back in. The memories all come flooding in so quickly, I can't even stop the flood of tears from streaming down my cheeks.

It's all too much at once. So many emotions. So many thoughts. Feelings of triumph. Feelings of victory. Feelings of the unknown and feelings of the known. Which is scarier? The unknown? Or the known? Knowing what once was. Knowing the fear, the loss, the pain. Knowing that the reaper was close by. Seeing the stress and turmoil my family was going through. Feeling so alone yet surrounded by the people who cared the most.

The floodgates have opened yet again. The uncontrollable tears. The uncontrollable thoughts. Tears of fear. Tears of relief. Tears of loss. Tears of pain. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of hope. Tears of cleansing. Cleansing the mind, body and soul.

Image source:

http://analaurasam.deviantart.com/art/wallpaper-tears-are-word-the-heart-cant-say-385388985

Feeling...

This is the month. The month where I was given a chance to live again. In a medical sense, the month where I was reborn. My body's marrow was wiped out and completely destroyed to prepare for the arrival of newer, healthier, cancer-fighting cells.

And as I lay here, in the comfort of my own bed, I reflect on the past few years. I think of the journey I have gone through and the various emotions I've gone through, sometimes all in one day. Sometimes I react emotionally without thinking of who I may be hurting and other times I feel so much love and compassion, it moves me to tears.

So as I lie here thinking mostly of those moments  of reacting so strong emotionally to something that I realize some of the reason. It makes me feel so alive and human. And it's a reminder of how thankful I am to be given the chance again to just be here.

Being 'alive' means feeling. And feeling those emotions means reacting to your environment or a particular incident that triggers something inside of you good or bad. Sometimes it means reacting too quickly and feeling remorse and even embarassment for those reactions. But it also means being human.

I wouldn't change a thing, other than the unintentional hurt I may have caused someone.

I am just thankful to be here. I am thankful for the people in my life, family and friends, who have been a tremendous support through all of the high and lows. I'm thankful for those tender moments with my children and husband. I'm thankful for my closest and dearest friends who put up with my quirky ways, lapses in memory and for their patience in allowing me to work through mentally and process the battle a I've been through and the emotional trauma it's left in its wake.

And I'm Thankful to just 'be'. To be alive. To think and to feel. And to be human.

It's Not An Army of One

My mind has been going crazy with the thoughts and memories of my cancer journey. There are days where my emotions are all over the place. I can go from laughing one minute, to breaking down in tears, the next minute.

For some reason while on my way to work, my thoughts turn to thinking about my experience with cancer and often I end up in tears before pulling into work. This morning was one of those mornings. As I'm getting closer to work, I'm trying to compose myself so noone can tell I have been crying. I was crying because I was struck by a realization I had about my fight or what I thought had been 'my' fight. It turns out that all this time I had been thinking I was the only one fighting. That cancer is a battle that you have to fight alone. But actually I had an army behind me who silently waited and allowed me to battle through what I needed to on my own. And when I became weak, or when I wanted to give up, they were by my side helping me fight every step of the way. It's not to say that during that time I didn't feel people's support, I did. I just didn't think of it as an army, a team, backing me up and giving me the strength I needed to battle on.

Cancer is not just one person's battle. It's a battle that involves the family and friends of the person diagnosed with cancer.

It's That Time of Year Again...

It's that time of year again. The time for anxiety. The time of reliving when I had to choose Life or Death. It's that time of year that reminds me of my strength and determination I didn't know I had. It's that time of year, where I am reminded of the biggest battle that I may ever had to face.

I didn't have time to be afraid. I didn't have time to overthink and try and process what would be happening. All I knew was that I had to fight. I had to win. There was no other way. This was it. Either I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I cleared my mind from all that was spoken to me to prepare me for the stem-cell transplant. I choose not to remember the possible life-threatening side effects. I withdrew from everyone and everything and protected myself by an invisible shield from the world around me. I couldn't lose focus. I had a battle to fight and conquer.

Even though I was surrounded by loved ones, family and friends, I was very alone. I had to be. Because if I allowed people to get close, I could lose my focus. There were so many overwhelming emotions and thoughts that I had to push back and keep from becoming front and center.

So now, it's that time of year where my emotions are a bit unstable. One moment I could be laughing and the next, I could be crying from a memory or a reminder of where I've been and what I went through.

This is November, the time of year, to share with others, what we are thankful for. So therefore I am thankful to be given another chance at Life and I don't intend on wasting it.


Image source:
http://blog.luggagebase.com/1374/news/todays-traveling-trends-november-2013

My Heart...

It sustains life. It's the hardest working muscle in the human body.

Sometimes it aches. Sometimes it breaks. Sometimes it cries.

But the one thing that will never change is how much it is filled with love.

So I'm posting 'my heart' and sharing it with all of you, hoping to spread being positive and sharing the love with family and friends, near and far. May your heart be filled with so much love and happiness that when any negativity approaches it, it drowns it out with its goodness.

Back To Work

Well, its been almost two weeks since returning to work.  It's a different job from my previous one but it's still in the social work field. It feels like a fresh start, a new beginning. And I have to say I have been so happy waking up each day knowing that I am waking up to a career that I am genuinely going to enjoy!!!

The atmosphere in the office is so friendly and happy. It's so contagious and it's so nice to be greeted with a sincere smile. Everyone has been so welcoming and supportive that it doesn't make me dread going in. I actually am looking forward to each new day and what it offers.

One of the greatest things about my office environment are my co-workers/colleagues. They have made it such a friendly, welcoming atmosphere, which made returning back to work so less stressful. I honestly didn't know how my mind and body were going to acclimate to returning back to full-time work.  I know one factor is my love for what I will be doing and secondly, it's definitely the environment. My co-workers/colleagues are professional and respectful individuals who I enjoy seeing every day. 

It's a scary thing to be out of the workforce for three or fours years.  And knowing that at some point you need to return to work.  Having cancer doesn't have to all be negative, you can always find a positive even in the most dismal place.  I never was fully aware of the strengths within me and the battles that I would have to face due to cancer.  It has prepared me to fight for survival, whether it's regarding me physically or mentally. I feel as though if I could beat cancer and survive the complications and hardships of chemo and stem-cell transplant, that there isn't anything that I can't accomplish or be successful at. 

I feel so alive. I feel so happy. I feel a sense of completeness. This is a new beginning, a new journey and my 'new normal' that I am embracing fully!!!

Image Source: http://gab.giggle.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/9_months_work-life-balance-sign-posts-RTimages_iStock_000006154215Small-615x408.jpg

Seeing the Light

I'm so happy and I'm not even sure if I will be able to put into words the gratitude I feel right now. I think about how difficult Life can be. And those difficulties can be singular or a plethora of  things with varying degrees of burden or stress. Obviously my most major Life altering ordeal came in the form of leukemia, relapse and stem-cell transplant. And once I conquered that Life hurdle, I needed time for my body to heal which resulted in resigning from my job after 12 years of dedicated service. And even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was very difficult.

It was difficult because I no longer was a financial contributor to my family.  I felt I was more of a financial burden to my husband even though he never made me feel that way. And with those thoughts and feelings, it pulled me into a small state of depression. I felt as though my worth was questionable. I even questioned whether being alive was worth it because had I died, my husband wouldn't have to worry about supporting another person that comes with so much 'health baggage'. That 'baggage' including many ongoing doctor visits which involved travel expenses and sometimes, lodging. It included many varying medications that at times were quite costly. And it also included the physical stress of making sure all in his family were taken care of. And he did this all without complaint. He is an amazing man who through some of the most major stress of our lives, took care of his family.

So while in this small state of depression which I was fully aware I was in and chose not to mention my knowledge of this to anyone, I carried on each day. Each day I felt unfulfilled. I didn't exactly know what it was that made me feel this way. I knew it was something but I couldn't identify the source of this unfullfillment. I thought it was due to my temporary health setbacks, like my GVHD symptoms, but knew those were only minor in the broad scheme of things. I thought it was fear of moving forward and the possibility of relapse. But not until recently did I learn that that feeling of unfullfillment was regarding my lack of employment, my career.

There is something about having a job, a career, a sense of purpose and a sense of earning the money that you bring to your home. There is a sense of knowing your able to take care of yourself, your husband and children. And I for a long time, since my diagnosis which was a little over 5 years ago, I didn't feel that.

But now I'm pleased to say, I have it back!!! Yesterday, I received a phone call I've been waiting a week for and was offered a great opportunity at helping others in need. This couldn't be more ideal for the humanitarian in me. I will be in a management role similar to the one I had before my diagnosis but different as to the role I play in assisting others in need.

This is a clean slate. It's a new beginning. And I'm so looking forward to this new chapter in my life. I feel I have a purpose again. A purpose of being a professional, a purpose of being a financial contributor to my family and assuring that my husband and children will also be taken care of. Now my husband and I are a team. We're both taking care of each other and our children.

And now looking back through these past few years, that even when I thought I lost all 'hope' in whatever trial was thrown my way, somehow, I kept moving forward and battling through. The warrior in me is just as alive now as she was through my battle with cancer. My point is to never give up, regardless of how dark your days may be, dark never last forever. There is a light and I'm finally beginning to see the light.