It's That Time of Year Again...

It's that time of year again. The time for anxiety. The time of reliving when I had to choose Life or Death. It's that time of year that reminds me of my strength and determination I didn't know I had. It's that time of year, where I am reminded of the biggest battle that I may ever had to face.

I didn't have time to be afraid. I didn't have time to overthink and try and process what would be happening. All I knew was that I had to fight. I had to win. There was no other way. This was it. Either I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I cleared my mind from all that was spoken to me to prepare me for the stem-cell transplant. I choose not to remember the possible life-threatening side effects. I withdrew from everyone and everything and protected myself by an invisible shield from the world around me. I couldn't lose focus. I had a battle to fight and conquer.

Even though I was surrounded by loved ones, family and friends, I was very alone. I had to be. Because if I allowed people to get close, I could lose my focus. There were so many overwhelming emotions and thoughts that I had to push back and keep from becoming front and center.

So now, it's that time of year where my emotions are a bit unstable. One moment I could be laughing and the next, I could be crying from a memory or a reminder of where I've been and what I went through.

This is November, the time of year, to share with others, what we are thankful for. So therefore I am thankful to be given another chance at Life and I don't intend on wasting it.


Image source:
http://blog.luggagebase.com/1374/news/todays-traveling-trends-november-2013

My Heart...

It sustains life. It's the hardest working muscle in the human body.

Sometimes it aches. Sometimes it breaks. Sometimes it cries.

But the one thing that will never change is how much it is filled with love.

So I'm posting 'my heart' and sharing it with all of you, hoping to spread being positive and sharing the love with family and friends, near and far. May your heart be filled with so much love and happiness that when any negativity approaches it, it drowns it out with its goodness.

Back To Work

Well, its been almost two weeks since returning to work.  It's a different job from my previous one but it's still in the social work field. It feels like a fresh start, a new beginning. And I have to say I have been so happy waking up each day knowing that I am waking up to a career that I am genuinely going to enjoy!!!

The atmosphere in the office is so friendly and happy. It's so contagious and it's so nice to be greeted with a sincere smile. Everyone has been so welcoming and supportive that it doesn't make me dread going in. I actually am looking forward to each new day and what it offers.

One of the greatest things about my office environment are my co-workers/colleagues. They have made it such a friendly, welcoming atmosphere, which made returning back to work so less stressful. I honestly didn't know how my mind and body were going to acclimate to returning back to full-time work.  I know one factor is my love for what I will be doing and secondly, it's definitely the environment. My co-workers/colleagues are professional and respectful individuals who I enjoy seeing every day. 

It's a scary thing to be out of the workforce for three or fours years.  And knowing that at some point you need to return to work.  Having cancer doesn't have to all be negative, you can always find a positive even in the most dismal place.  I never was fully aware of the strengths within me and the battles that I would have to face due to cancer.  It has prepared me to fight for survival, whether it's regarding me physically or mentally. I feel as though if I could beat cancer and survive the complications and hardships of chemo and stem-cell transplant, that there isn't anything that I can't accomplish or be successful at. 

I feel so alive. I feel so happy. I feel a sense of completeness. This is a new beginning, a new journey and my 'new normal' that I am embracing fully!!!

Image Source: http://gab.giggle.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/9_months_work-life-balance-sign-posts-RTimages_iStock_000006154215Small-615x408.jpg

Seeing the Light

I'm so happy and I'm not even sure if I will be able to put into words the gratitude I feel right now. I think about how difficult Life can be. And those difficulties can be singular or a plethora of  things with varying degrees of burden or stress. Obviously my most major Life altering ordeal came in the form of leukemia, relapse and stem-cell transplant. And once I conquered that Life hurdle, I needed time for my body to heal which resulted in resigning from my job after 12 years of dedicated service. And even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was very difficult.

It was difficult because I no longer was a financial contributor to my family.  I felt I was more of a financial burden to my husband even though he never made me feel that way. And with those thoughts and feelings, it pulled me into a small state of depression. I felt as though my worth was questionable. I even questioned whether being alive was worth it because had I died, my husband wouldn't have to worry about supporting another person that comes with so much 'health baggage'. That 'baggage' including many ongoing doctor visits which involved travel expenses and sometimes, lodging. It included many varying medications that at times were quite costly. And it also included the physical stress of making sure all in his family were taken care of. And he did this all without complaint. He is an amazing man who through some of the most major stress of our lives, took care of his family.

So while in this small state of depression which I was fully aware I was in and chose not to mention my knowledge of this to anyone, I carried on each day. Each day I felt unfulfilled. I didn't exactly know what it was that made me feel this way. I knew it was something but I couldn't identify the source of this unfullfillment. I thought it was due to my temporary health setbacks, like my GVHD symptoms, but knew those were only minor in the broad scheme of things. I thought it was fear of moving forward and the possibility of relapse. But not until recently did I learn that that feeling of unfullfillment was regarding my lack of employment, my career.

There is something about having a job, a career, a sense of purpose and a sense of earning the money that you bring to your home. There is a sense of knowing your able to take care of yourself, your husband and children. And I for a long time, since my diagnosis which was a little over 5 years ago, I didn't feel that.

But now I'm pleased to say, I have it back!!! Yesterday, I received a phone call I've been waiting a week for and was offered a great opportunity at helping others in need. This couldn't be more ideal for the humanitarian in me. I will be in a management role similar to the one I had before my diagnosis but different as to the role I play in assisting others in need.

This is a clean slate. It's a new beginning. And I'm so looking forward to this new chapter in my life. I feel I have a purpose again. A purpose of being a professional, a purpose of being a financial contributor to my family and assuring that my husband and children will also be taken care of. Now my husband and I are a team. We're both taking care of each other and our children.

And now looking back through these past few years, that even when I thought I lost all 'hope' in whatever trial was thrown my way, somehow, I kept moving forward and battling through. The warrior in me is just as alive now as she was through my battle with cancer. My point is to never give up, regardless of how dark your days may be, dark never last forever. There is a light and I'm finally beginning to see the light.

Life at the Beach

Ever since I can remember, I have always loved the beach and always looked forward to our yearly summer vacations. The best things I remember were the early morning walks along the waters edge, while the waves were lapping and teasing your feet as if it's begging or daring you to enter the water. There was always a peacefuless to those mornings. You could wander and for miles without even realizing it because you were so deep in thought for so many different reasons. For me, it was always about calmness, peacefullness, and serenity.

And now it's still all those things but more. And the 'more' I'm speaking of is my life post Cancer and stem-cell transplant.  I look at those earlier days and think things were a little easier. Sure I still had to contend with the humidity and the havoc it wrecked on my hair. I still had to lather up in sunscreen to protect myself from the rays of the sun. But now even though I'm still battling those same issues, it all on a different level. It seems I have more restrictions. I've learned that life with wigs is not so easy as I thought it would be. I had the naive notion that it would be like Jane Jetson from 'The Jetsons' where I would put the wig on, whether it be real or synthetic, and go on my merry way looking perfectly made with every hair in place. Boy, how wrong was I.  The ocean elements wreck havoc on synthetic wigs. It's like the kiss of death to a synthetic wig and as for real hair wigs, it's not much better. No matter how much I style it, it just like your normal head of hair and has a mind of its own. But where most people can throw it up in a ponytail or clip it etc, you are very limited as to the styles you can do with your wig. I thought it would be easy to throw on a ball cap but because of the amount of hair, it's difficult to tuck behind your ears without the risk of your ears sticking out and making yourseg look like an elf. Or you could just let it hang as is with the hat and risk walking around looking like the lost relative of 'Cousin Itt' from the Addams Family.

So what about going wigless??? If I were someone who hasn't been through cancer and hair loss, I would probably think the same thing.  But when you've spent months and even years without any hair due to being ill, the last thing you want to do is go through it again when your somewhat healthy. I've had enough walking around feeling like a freak-factor with people staring and even whispering.

It's still all a learning experience and truly, I'm still new at this so-called 'new normal'. I'm optimistic that I will get it figured out. It's just going to take some time and patience, and for any one who knows me, my patience is very limited. But i will try my hardest to stay positive because I've been through one of life's most difficult battles, and even though I carry many scars, both mentally and physically,  I am thankful of its success and this new journey.

A Chance Encounter

I surprised myself today.  I've been carrying a lot of anger and I even admit, hate, for a year now. And I encountered the source of those extreme negative emotions today.  I was surprised by my own reaction. I thought that if this encounter ever occurred, whether planned or by accident, I didn't think that I would react as a mature, rational human being.  But I did.  I even spoke a few words.  It felt awkward, strange and uncomfortable but no matter my past negative feelings, I just could not be anything other than smile and be civil.

This 'thing' I will call it has been a constant daily battle. It has been a source of heartache for me and those closest to me. It has even affected my children, to a point where I never really could give an explanation that they could understand, of why things became the way they are now.

I experienced many emotions, from shock, to nervousness, to sadness, and even loss, of what could have been.  But never once, did I feel that anger or hate.  And that surprised me the most because I have been carrying these feelings for the past year.

So this is a new self-discovery.  You can never predict how your going to react to a certain situation.  You can process and think about it all you want.  You can come up with numerous scenarios in your mind. But you can never truly prepare.  You just need to look at the 'good' inside yourself and hold your head high and know you did the right thing. It's an amazing feeling of calm and peacefulness and those toxic feelings have all but been washed away.

Moods & Anxieties

I posted the same posts on a few Leukemia/BMT pages on Facebook regarding mood changes (I.e going from being happy to easily becoming angry or highly agitated or irritable) and even touching upon isues regarding social anxiety.  I can't believe the overwhelming responses I received about these issues and how common they are.

I'm very aware that these issues are not just related to cancer. But I refer to these issues as a result of the cancer experience and how much emotionally some of us are affected once the treatments are over and while we're in remission.  Some survivors/warriors identified it as 'post-traumatic stress disorder' (PTSD), others refer to it as 'normal' and part of the journey post-cancer.

Whatever the reason or label, it's a part of our reality and we are not so abnormal in our thoughts and anxieties, especially in our social relationships and how we respond to others in those relationships.

We are not alone, many of us share a common experience (Cancer) with common emotions, thoughts and reactions.  And all of us are just trying to cope and heal, so we can move forward in our journey to our 'new normal'.

Image source: http://www.osteoarthritisblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/mood.jpg