A Simple Assignment

My daughter recently had her tonsils and adnoids removed. While at home recovering, my husband and I asked the school to send her schoolwork home so she wouldn't get too far behind. One of her assignments involved reading this short chapter book and answering questions related to the story.

I wasn't aware of this story, nor did I know that this was a true story until I began reading it with her. I never had a clue that I would become so emotional to the point where I had to stop to compose myself. Finally, I told my daughter that I couldn't continue. This was one reading assignment that I wouldn't be able to complete.

"Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" is about a Japanese girl who was two years old when the atomic bomb was dropped on August 6, 1945.  Due to the affects of the atom bomb, Sadako developed leukemia. The book went on to describe Sadako's reaction and her family's reaction to her leukemia diagnosis.  It continues to explain the days in the hospital and the things she did and the emotions she felt and the physical pains and discomforts she faced.

Needless to say, it was just too much for me to bear and I was unable to continue to read. All of the emotions that were mentioned in the book were so closely related to how I felt while I was in the hospital. It was just so unexpected. Emotionally, I thought that I was dealing with things much better. But obviously, that isn't the case.

There are days and even weeks that can go by and, emotionally, I'm doing well. Other days something occurs and it triggers an emotion so powerful that I break down in tears. I felt bad when I broke down in front of my daughter. I want to show her that I'm stronger than that. But instead I felt like a failure.The story spoke too many truths and I realized I still haven't fully coped well with what I've been through.

This has been another reality check, in relation to my leukemia diagnosis and treatments. It has made me more aware of how delicate my emotions are regarding that period of time in my life. I can't allow myself to think of my emotional breakdowns as weakness, but as a part of the healing process.

I'm still healing emotionally, mentally and physically. I will think of those tears as a way of cleansing those difficult days and washing away all the negative emotions from that time in my life. And I'm hopeful that there will be a time when it will be a distant memory.


Image source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/13/Sadako_and_the_thousand_paper_cranes_00.jpg

Putting the Pieces Back Together

It's been awhile since I have posted anything. It has been a rough beginning to the new year. I have been reluctant to blog anything because lately my blogs haven't been all that positive. I hate to always be the "Debbie Downer".  I'm not asking for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I'm also aware that I'm not the only one in this world that is suffering from something.  I know there are others who are going through things that are much worse. But this is my way of coping and processing this 'new normal'.  I'm trying to remain strong so that I can become a better, healthier self.

As I stated earlier, my beginning to 2014 has been a rough one. In mid-January, I was hospitalized for shingles, which were excruciatingly painful and possible GVHD of the GI tract (nausea/vomiting).  I was quarantined to my room for a week.  It was definitely not a place I wanted to be. My experience was quite different than the previous years' hospitalizations while I was being treated for leukemia. I was on a different wing of the floor and the nursing staff was not familiar with taking care of stem-cell transplant patients which resulted with me becoming very stressed and put me in a slightly depressive state of mind.  Thank goodness it was only a week!

Things didn't improve upon my discharge and return home.  I ended up that weekend with the cold/flu with more nausea/vomiting.  I felt like I couldn't catch a break.  Thankfully, I have wonderful friends who I work for and babysit for, who allowed me the rest of the month off to recuperate.  Even though I had the rest of the month to recuperate, being the end of February now, I still do not feel 100%.

I currently have a head cold and a persistent cough that will not go away.  I've come to the realization since my treatments and stem-cell transplant, that this has become my 'new normal'.  My winters especially have remained consistent with the head cold/congestion and cough which depletes my energy reserves.  The lack of energy may have to do with the sleepless nights where I'm unable to breathe or I'm coughing so persistently I can't catch my breath.  Some nights I wake from a sound sleep because I'm coughing so hard.

I'm at a loss.  I have been hoping and praying that each new year will be the year that the tiredness, the ongoing colds/coughs, the lack of energy etc. will become less and less.  I know that even the most healthiest person gets a touch of the common cold/flu and has those days where they are worn out.  But my experience has remained consistent.  After three years, I have recognized the pattern and have come to the conclusion that my body still isn't strong enough.  It's not strong enough to ward off the common cold/flu.  It's not strong enough to handle a daily exercise regimen.  Any time I attempt something physical my body gives out.

I'm trying to comprehend all of this.  I'm trying to understand why after three years I shouldn't be more energized or more strong and healthy?  What is keeping my body from progressing?  The longest I have gone without some form of ailment, complication or side effect from the transplant has been at least two weeks, and this has occurred maybe 2 or three times since my transplant in 2010.

The cancer may no longer exist.  But just because it doesn't exist and its been three years since the stem-cell transplant, doesn't mean I'm all okay.  I continue to face battles daily.  Battles that are related, in one way or another, to cancer and the stem-cell transplant.  I'm not sure where I go from here or how to change things and make them better.  I try very hard to remain optimistic but even the most optimistic person has those days of feeling hopeless.  I just need to find a daily mantra to keep me motivated and keep holding my head high as I continue on this journey post cancer and post stem-cell transplant.

Image source: http://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/236x/9e/bb/6d/9ebb6da9fe107a5f10c2a9aef8d62faa.jpg

Battles

Many things in Life are a battle and the mind can either offer you the strength to get through it or it can interfere and allow you to think of quitting.

Currently, this is where am at.  Every day each one of us fights a battle.  Those battles can be small or they can be big.  Our mind allows us to win those battles, big or small, and our mind also can succumb to the weakness and lose that battle.

At the moment I'm feeling very weak.  Emotionally, I'm on edge and physically, I feel as though my body is deteriorating.  I'm on edge emotionally because of the many physical battles I'm facing right now.  I'm not sure what is actually going on.  If it's stress related due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays or if its something else going on.  I question the stress because of knowing of a little warrior princess who was experiencing many symptoms over the holidays that led to her diagnosis and relapses.  Thank God all her blood results are normal and she is being monitored closely.  This leads me to my current status.  Over the holidays, which includes Thanksgiving to after New Year's, I have been experiencing some 'gvhd' symptoms that I haven't experienced in awhile.  I have been having nauseous mornings and I have been feeling run down and extremely tired.  I continue to battle with 'gvhd' of the eyes, especially in the evenings.  My eyes become so dry and sensitive that I have to turn off most lights or put them on the lowest setting while wearing sunglasses.  I can say this really is not fun.

I attempted again another workout regimen and yet again I hit another wall.  This time it only took a week.  I have sharp pain shooting through my lower back.  It's becoming so uncomfortable that its beginning to keep me up at night.

Thankfully, I have my oncologist appointment next week.  I'm hoping for positive results and solutions.

Image source: http://www.apnazilla.com/now-if-your-going-to-win-any-battle-famous-quotes/20875

Dreams...or Should I Say 'Nightmare'

Have you ever had a dream where it shakes you to the core??? And after waking from that dream, it takes you a little bit to process and think, maybe even say it out loud 'it was just a dream'. This is how my morning started.

My body is still reacting to this dream, or should I say NIGHTMARE??? I'm shaky because of the adrenaline coursing through my body, the shock of the dream and all the past emotions that I've gone through with my initial diagnosis and relapse.

I'm exhaling in relief and even shedding some tears because I know it was just a dream.  I was so frightened to turn my light on to even look.  When I found the courage to turn the light on, it created shadows and for a split second I thought my dream became reality.  Thankfully, it was just shadows and there were no huge, bluish purple bruises covering my legs (and body).

The heaviness that was weighing down on my chest was lifted, however my nerves are shot.  My hands won't quit shaking.

I realize I had a dream but that ugly fear (of cancer) is always lurking in the shadows. And as much as I continue to move on, it always creeps out to remind me it's there or it jumps out so unexpectedly that it scares the holy shit out of me!!!

It has been a rough couple of months with losing some fellow warriors with their battle and also hearing of a relapse of another. Things are fresh on my mind and because of this, I'm telling myself, is the reason for my current nightmare.

I'm going to continue taking some deep breaths and begin putting this nightmare out of my mind. I'm going to move on and enjoy this Christmas season with my dearest family and friends!!!

Whew!!!!

Keep Moving and Rocking On \m/

"Keep moving and rocking on" is my new motto.

Life after cancer isn't quite the easy journey I thought it would be, at least for me.  I begin to feel well enough to try something new with diet & exercise and the diet is easy but the exercise becomes the battle.  It starts off great then I hit that wall a couple weeks into it. This has become an ongoing battle.  So what am I doing wrong????

I'm not a quitter, I'm too stubborn to quit.  I'm searching my brain looking for that common factor in my journey for a better, healthier self, and I'm not coming up with anything. I start out slowly to help my body acclimate to the change. Once I feel that my body is ready, I add a little more resistance and the intensity of the workout. After this change, is when I crash physically.  Then mentally.

It's said that after a stem-cell transplant your life will never be like it was before. There will be things different with your frame of mind because of the experience you went through and there will be changes with your body that you will need to adapt to. Thus, your 'new normal'. 

So, I'm thinking three years later 'don't you think I would have it figured out by now'???

I'm not whining and I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to figure out what my 'new normal' is especially with my health & fitness. Putting it in written form allows me to look back and find if there is a pattern during my journey's in obtaining a 'fitter' self that I keep repeating.  And, even for those of you who read my blog, you may see something that is so clear that I'm missing because of all the other things going on in my mind I'm trying to cope and heal from, that you can assist me in combating whatever barriers I'm not seeing.

I'm thinking I should have asked this a long time ago. I'm also going to be speaking to my oncologist in a few weeks in regards to my fitness and also some other chronic gvhd issues I continue to experience.

The answers are out there somewhere and I'm not going to give up.  The warrior in me will not allow that.  So, I'm going to continue 'moving on and rocking on' in my search for a healthier, fitter self. \m/

Image source:  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/150941024983043566/

December Snow

Enjoying the beauty of the freshly falling snow...appreciating the wonders of nature and embracing and living life. :-)

Bump in the Road

Well, another bump in the road.  It seems any time I begin anything physical to help strengthen my body or to regain lost energy, my beginning is successful.  Then after a week or two, my body crashes and has difficulty keeping up.  This time around I consciously listened to my body and knew when to slow it down and not overdo it.  But my body still gave out.  I had difficulty with my knees and legs after the walking/jogging combination. The pain at times became so bad I could hardly walk around my house (i.e. from the couch to the kitchen, etc). And as always with any exercise regimen my breathing becomes an issue and my coughing fit begins either during the workout or after.  One of the most frustrating things is feeling the need to take a deep breath and unable to get that breath.

So, now I'm trying to decide  my next step.  What am I doing wrong?  I can't give up and I won't give up with trying to become more fit and healthy.  It's just so completely frustrating when going into something new with such good intentions and good morale, then to be met with resistance.

The past few weeks have been a very emotional time for me.  With the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant and now, I feel, another failure in my journey to health and fitness, I'm not sure what I need to do next.

I'm trying to learn from these difficulties and I'm trying to adjust my life because of them but most times I feel it's a lost cause.  I'm three years post-transplant and I'm wondering is this just going to be the way it is?  And that no matter how easy things were for me prior to cancer, that my life after will never ever be the same.

I am constantly comparing the success of others and seeing their accomplishments with diet/exercise, including running, marathons, etc.  So what is my deal?  Why can't I get there?  Why does it seem to be taking me longer?  I don't understand.  I don't want to be held back.  I want to keep moving forward with my life but these barriers/obstacles keep popping up.

Each day continues to be a battle, some better than others.  The only thing I can do is 'hope' for a brighter and more successful tomorrow and continue to keep the warrior in me fighting for its next battle, whatever that may be.

Image source: http://thefabweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/jbkgn.jpg