Healing

Having an emotional morning.  Many thoughts running through my mind.  This time of year many people think about the "holiday" season.  Some think of Thanksgiving and the traditions that come with it.  And following Thanksgiving, it's all about the Christmas season.  For me that is part of it, but mostly November becomes the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant.  I know that its been almost 3 years since my stem-cell transplant, and even though I still suffer from mild forms of GVHD, overall I'm doing really well and have much to be 'thankful' for.

But there are times when something occurs or the anniversary date of a particular incident through my battle of cancer that triggers a not so fond memory.  It's just not a memory of remembering, its a memory filled with all the emotions of what I was feeling at that time.  Being scared, being weak, even the feeling of being a burden.

Recently, I have learned of another whose young life has been recently affected by cancer.  Hearing all of the same terms or familiar treatments hits close to home.  Also, a close family friend is struggling with the 'will' to survive.  His form of cancer is an aggressive one and from the people who have been with him through his ordeal are seeing his will to survive becoming less and less, which also is all too familiar.

With the best of intentions, some people say to me to not allow that fear.  Not to look at the negative.  To remain positive and see the strength within me.  And I do allow the positive and the strength each and every second of each day. But, occasionally, more some days than others, I have those low moments.

Today is one of those low moments.  Combined with knowing a few individuals fighting their fight and the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant, it's all building up inside me right now needing to be released.  I've said this before, but one of the best emotional releases for me, is through my blogging.

And, yes, I know I'm in remission.  And I may be stronger (physically) than I was even a year ago, but  it's still a daily reminder.  Every day when I get up, I'm putting on that disguise, the wig.  It's such an oxymoron of feelings.  It allows me to feel more normally with my appearance, but mentally, its a burden too. With or without the wig, I still haven't dealt with who I am and how cancer has affected me.

I find my strength through blogging and writing.  There's just something therapeutic to see my thoughts and my feelings in written form.  Maybe it's the acknowledgment from others who have had a similar experience and tell me they feel the same way, which helps me feel more normal and not such a 'head case'.

This month may be a month of many postings, while I try to process where I am now, and where I was 3 or 4 years ago.

Emotionally and physically, I'm still 'healing'.

And I'm grateful and thankful for the love and support, and of course patience, of the family and friends who continue to offer guidance in my 'new' journey.

Image source:
http://www.wherewegonow.com/sites/g/files/g159651/f/styles/media_gallery_thumbnail/public/210_2.jpg?itok=T_5CbJRu

"Livin for Livi"

     

Olivia is 17 months old and is just beginning her journey battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). Please help SUPPORT her and her family in this time of need.

You can offer your support through a donation by clicking on the PayPal link below ...

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THANK YOU FOR YOU SUPPORT!!! 

Down With the Sickness...Again

It's that time of year, AGAIN!!!  Flu and Virus season...ugh!!!

Each year after my stem-cell transplant, I tell myself that this is the year that I will be strong enough to fight whatever flu or virus is going around.  Well, it's only September and I have already been laid flat twice.  Will this ever get better???  I keep hearing it from other stem-cell warriors, from my doctors, etc. but I seriously question it.

Some people may not think there isn't a battle because I'm in remission, but its still a battle every single day to stay strong and it can be exhausting. Every day is an emotional roller coaster.  Some days are going great then, whoosh, I'm falling.  Each day is full of peaks and valleys.  I'm not complaining and I'm not whining, it's just the reality of my life.

I also know there is no "perfect" life for anyone.  Everyone experiences stress and battles through each day to be where they are now.  There are, however, people that tend to struggle or battle through each day more than others.

Even though my battles are daily, I know that my stubbornness will not allow the weakness to set in.  I guess this is one positive of being stubborn and unwilling to change my way of thinking. So what started out as a sick one, is now becoming a victorious one.  Head ache is gone (without any medical aid), nausea is gone and my energy is returning.

Another battle fought, another battle won...and the "warrior" in me will be ready to fight another day!!!

Image Source: http://www.thecampuscompanion.com/2012/11/09/how-to-survive-getting-sick-in-college/i-feel-like-complete-shit/#.Uk1KxtKmjTo

I Sincerely Apologize...

I "sincerely" apologize to anyone who has sent me a private message on Facebook that has been unanswered.  I wasn't aware that when someone sends a message to a non-Facebook friend that those messages do not go into the regular "Inbox" but another folder labeled "Other".

I made this discovery today.  I have now responded to all those messages and would like to encourage you, if you are still interested, to continue sending those messages.

Now that I'm aware of the "Other" folder, I will respond as quickly as I can.

To all of you who have sent me messages, Thank you for your kind thoughts and words and for your support.  If I can offer any support, please don't hesitate to message me.

Thanks Again!!!
Deanna Coudriet Graham
(Facebook Name)

Blooming

A flower starts deep under the dirt and has to fight against gravity in the darkness before finally breaking free and opening its bloom to the sun. You may feel like you're in darkness and everything around you is muddy, but keep pushing toward the Light and when the time is right, you will burst into blossom. - God Wants You to Know

This morning, I came across this daily devotion.  It struck me on many emotional levels.  I'm not sure if its because of the anniversary of my relapse or if this is just the natural path of coping after experiencing such a life-altering ordeal, but my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.

I feel as though I'm this flower, that is pushing forward and slowly growing with the goal of breaking free into the fullness of the Light. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just the 'normal' emotional aftermath after experiencing cancer or if its based on the 'relapse' of cancer.  

I feel as though I have days where I'm growing and moving toward that light.  And other days, I'm immersed in shade and struggle to grow because of the fear of darkness setting in again. Even though its been three years since that abrupt darkness, having it thrust upon you so quickly has been difficult for me to cope with.  

I'm tired of carrying that burden of 'fear' of the possibility of the return of cancer, but I'm also scared of moving forward.  Sometimes, I feel so powerless.  I need and want to regain control of my power.  I'm tired of living in the shade, metaphorically and realistically. I want to immerse myself in the light and allow myself to blossom in "Life'.

Image source:

http://www.geramyum.com/blog/uploaded_images/DSC00613-779179.JPG

Another Glimpse From My Perspective

Well, I must say my morning started out well.  Enjoying my cup of cappuccino and reading on my Kindle.  Enjoyed a simple breakfast and watched my morning show.

Afterwards, I decided that I lounged around enough and began my daily resolutions.  After hopping into the shower, I soon discovered another simple bruise.  Even though bruises are not uncommon, something as simple as a small dime-sized bruise can send me into a panic.  I began running through a list of questions in my mind to determine source of bruise.  Did I bump anything with my knee yesterday?  Was there a time where I was kneeling that could have resulted in a bruise?  Did I rest my knee on anything that could have resulted in a bruise? And as I was going through the list, I thought of other questions.  Anything out of the ordinary with my overall well-being, other than being tired lately, nothing else was going on.  No mouth sores or ulcers, no bleeding gums, no change in taste, etc.  Therefore, I just concluded the bruise means nothing other than a normal bruise that anyone could get and began thinking about the rest of my day.

And that is when it hit me.  Oh my God, this is the anniversary of my relapse!!!  Three years ago, I received a call from my doctor stating that the leukemia had come back.  He stated he wanted me in Pittsburgh that night and I refused.  I refused because my daughter, age 6, was going to cheer for the first home football game and I was not going to miss that.  Which leads me to today.  My daughter will be doing the same thing tonight.  It's like deja vu' but with knowing what comes next.  It's so completely overwhelming.

I begin to panic again.  My heart begins racing, my throat feels as though its closing up and my eyes begin to water.  I start thinking, "this is the anniversary of my relapse".  Oh my God! Please don't let this happen again.

I close my eyes and begin taking deep breaths in order to calm my nerves and calm my thoughts.  I quickly tell myself that this time is different.  I have healthy cells now due to my donor.  Those cells are fighting the fight and keeping any leukemia cells at bay. My circumstances now are quite different from my circumstances three years ago.

I begin to calm down and realize that, yes, I will experience those so-called 'freak-out' moments and that is okay. It' just a part of my 'new normal'. And that those 'freak-out' moments have become less and less, which shows that even though the steps may be small,  I'm beginning to heal emotionally, mentally and spiritually from the affects of cancer.

Blog Updates & Changes

Don't be alarmed if you notice the look of my blog has changed. Somehow I lost many of my blog photos. Unsure how this happened. I will be working on site, updating and making changes.

If your new to my blog, please don't hesitate to check out my posts. And, if your an ongoing follower, THANK YOU for your ongoing support...more to come!!! :)