What do you see when you look at these two pictures? What similarities do you notice? What are the differences?
From the average, normal person's perspective, you may see a medical professional and the other, may be a professional that handles toxic chemicals in some capacity. From my perspective, being a cancer warrior, they are one in the same.
As I was reading another warrior's blog today, I was reminded of my days in the hospital when receiving most of my doses of chemotherapy. The image on the left is what actually was approaching me but in my mind's eye, I saw the image on the right. I'm not sure if other people who have suffered from cancer have ever felt this way, but this has been my perspective.
I have heard the words "toxic" and "lethal" prior to (and sometimes after) the drugs were being administered into my body. Chemo is really a frightening concept. Because of no other treatment options, other than death, your sitting or lying there allowing this toxic chemical into your body. You realize and understand that this toxic chemical not only destroys the cancer cells but also the good cells. The reality of your situation becomes so clear when the nurse administering the chemo has to put a protective gown on, use special hazardous chemical gloves, and mask their face. You're lying there thinking..."holy shit, this is really serious". You begin thinking and second guessing if this is really the best way to do this? You're constantly thinking of alternatives but sometimes it's the only option.
At times, even though the doctors and nurses, tried to minimalize the experience of receiving the chemo, it felt as though that person in the "hazmat" suit was approaching me and performing some kind of scientific experiment on me. It felt as though so many people were hoping this would be the chemo regimen that would work. And if it didn't, it would need to be something else.
So now here I am after the experience, of cancer and transplant, thinking of those several months following my initial diagnosis that consisted of weekly chemo. And then, of the week prior to transplant. Chemo levels that were so toxic, they labeled it as 'lethal'.
Its so scary. Your taught that long term exposure to chemicals can be life threatening, but yet here you are allowing certain chemicals into your body. Its such an oxymoron.
Again, this is only my perspective of my experience. And when reflecting back, it is yet another grain of sand in the hour glass that I need to process and heal as time continues to move on.
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