Just 'be"

This is one of my most favorite pictures. It's of my daughter when we were at the beach last year. When I look at this picture I see someone who is celebrating life. Who is celebrating a moment. Who is free, content and happy.

This picture also reflects how I'm feeling at this moment. I am feeling all of those things mentioned above. I am truly blessed. I am grateful for each new day that I am able to wake up on my own and get out of bed and go to work. Even though some days, I want to crawl back in because of the many side-effects from the stem-cell transplant. I keep battling on.

Life is a gift and the people who cross our paths are gifts. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many more yet to be met.

The journey just keeps getting better. Cancer may have tried to ruin me, but it has done the opposite. It has strengthened me and has helped me appreciate all the good things in life no matter how big or how small.

It's good to be alive. It's good to just 'be'.

GVHD Sucks

Fairly new side effect, have had it off and on...small red bumps on fingers, sometimes itchy and sometimes not, usualy just a couple, but now all have surfaced...difficulty grasping... even holding a plastic spoon hurts
#gvhdsucks #cancereventhoughyouregoneyouhavetotallyscrewedwithmylife #ihateyoucancer

Image source:http://blooddiseasedestination.com/tag/mds/

a Moment of Clarity

I Surrender

This is one of the most difficult entry's I have posted. It's so difficult because it's the blatant and embarassing truth of where I'm at in my life and how this whole experience has affected me. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I do. But social media can have its benefits. I have learned through the many forums I have joined regarding stem-cell transplants that many of us share similar experiences and side effects. And the experiences and side effects I'm referring to are anxiety, depression and even PTSD.

I guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I had my first anxiety/panic attack last week. This occurred at work. As soon as it happened and was over, I was embarassed. I was ashamed. And I felt like I didn't have control .

The situation involved a local news channel wanting to tape a segment about one of the programs the agency offers. My boss was out of town and it was up to me to do this. I instantly became nervous thinking of what I was going to say. Then those nerves led into becoming extremely warm, my heart started beating more rapidly and my chest felt heavy. I was in the room with three other people but I felt like I was so alone and also felt as if the room was closing in on me. And while all of this was happening, I was picturing myself being broadcast on TV. That I would be on display as one of those so-called 'freaks' back in the time when circuses or carnivals would  display them for other people's  viewing pleasure to either gawk at or make fun of. This is how I felt. Once I came out of my attack, I felt shame and embarassment. I felt as though I let me boss down and that I didn't fulfill my duty as a manager. I'm supposed to be a leader and lead by example and have confidence but I failed. I didn't do any of those things. Actually, my boss was on the phone with me and talked me out of the attack. She was very supportive that day and still is which I'm very grateful for.

But since that episode I realized I'm not as well off emotionally as I thought I was. I thought I was becoming more comfortable and coming to terms with my 'new' normal self when really I'm not. I feel as though I'm a freak out walking amongst the normal. I wear a wig to appear more normal but I feel as though people see through the so'called disguise and see the squinty-eyed,  near-hairless, overweight freak underneath.

It has been said that many symptoms of anxiety, depression and PTSD are quite common post Cancer. And that it could be a result of the combination of both the chemo and meds that are used, as well as, the whole experience which results in a lot of stuff.

So now that I've come to terms of my so-called underlying freak status, combined with my self-diagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD, I realize I need to seek some professionsl intervention.

I don't want to live this way.  I want to finally come to peace with everything I've been through and with who I am now.

Image source: http://thefamilyfirstcoach.com/2013/06/i-surrender/

Reality Check...You Are Not Alone

As I read comments from the various cancer and stem-cell transplant groups I'm a part of, I am reminded how much I'm not alone. There is a comradery sharing the numerous side effects we have. Many are so similar and so different with all varying degrees of severity.

We share both the good days and the bad days. We all share the test of figuring out our limits and knowing that if you push too much, your body begins to shut down. And what were once non-exisistent or usually mild symptoms become something so much more that it limits you in one form or another.

I think of how grateful it is to be alive but it's hard to enjoy all the aspects when your limited in some way because of having a flare up of one or more of the begrudged gvhd symptom or symptoms.

One of the most reoccuring symptoms for me are my dry eyes. It can become so severe that I can hardly keep my eyes open and whatever I am doing at that time, whether for work or pleasure, it's a disruption. And it's not so simple as dropping a few eyes drops in the eyes and all is better. Sometimes it has taken an hour or more of resting my eyes before there is any relief.

Or there are those moments where you are having a good day and all of a sudden begin to smell a dirty ash tray or, as most present, an ongoing ammonia smell. It comes to a point where it's so powerful it becomes nauseating.

But most of all, the fatigue can be the biggest battle. My fatigue has gotten better but when I ignore the small signs and my stubborn nature wants to keep pushing, that's when the mighty crash and burn occurs. It manifests itself with extreme fatigue and nausea. I have left work because of it and would come home to sleep for an hour or two and feel much better after that nap.

And while I can go on and on with all my symptoms, I'm reminded with many of the support groups that I'm a part of, that I'm not alone. There are so many of us that are faced with these challenges daily. And we just need to keep moving on. It's scary at times to think that at some point one or all of these symptoms could mean something much more debilitating in life. And it's scary not knowing what damage has been caused by all of the toxic chemo we have endured. Some people say you can't focus on that or think about it but that's a lot easier said than done. When faced with living and dying and knowing you're alive because of the poison you allowed in your body. You can't help but be reminded of it when your body begins to weaken and shut down. And because I have had a relapse, the fear is even more real.

I try my best living and enjoying each day, but it's when the side effects resurface and gives a reality check not to get too comfortable.

Image source:
http://kdurham.com/site/2015/03/03/remember-you-are-not-alone-backchanneledu/

Happy re-Birthday To Me

November 30th was my 5 year re-birthday.

Image source:
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/8HsGxM_0-6s/hqdefault.jpg

Courage...

Image source:
https://trishborgdorff.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/courage-doesnt-always-roar/