Enjoying Life

Embrace Life

Seized by Fear

Emotionally, I have been doing fairly well. But with anything those good days tend to become not-so-good days.

It can be something little that can trigger uncontrollable tears or it can be something bigger that reminds you of a potential relapse and your mind remembers the past and fast forwards it into an 'unknown' future that you actually know the ending to.

The images that are on fast forward in your mind are so real and so scary that the panic begins to set in. In your mind, you begin telling yourself it cannot and will not happen again. But just thinking it isn't enough that you begin talking to yourself and saying it out loud and on repeat so that you can convince yourself that that fear will not happen. You begin to break with tears streaming down your face while trying to catch a breath. And it can't be controlled. It happens at home, or in the car, it has even happened at work.

The fear is real. The panic is overwhelming. Is this normal? Why can't I be stronger? I am trying to remain postive. I make a concious effort to be grateful for each new day and love every moment. But no matter how hard I try, the dark shadow is lurking nearby to remind me of what could be.

Emotional Aftermath Post Cancer

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/patient-advice/articles/2015/06/26/the-emotional-aftermath-of-cancer

It's Been 6 Years Since My Diagnosis...

Then...June 25, 2009
I was living life in a hurry. Not really paying attention to the important things. Worrying too much and sweating the small stuff. Taking too much for granted.

Now...June 25, 2015
Living life one day at a time. Trying to absorb it all. Embracing all of life that I can. Not sweating the small stuff but appreciating the small stuff. Feeling blessed to be alive.

Cuddling...Hugging...Dancing...Laughing...Loving...Smiling...Singing off key...Living in the moment...this is me and I love me.

National Cancer Survivors Day

Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. This is a day to recognize those past and present who fought the battle of cancer. 

Surviving doesn't just mean the 'cancer' itself, it's all of the emotional, mental, and physical battles that you endure. Even now, after 4 1/2 years being in remission, the battle still carries on.

 But I am still fighting to keep healthy and will not give in. 

I am a Survivor.

I am a Warrior.

I am Cancer-free.

Fear Vs Strength

No matter how much I try to remain optimistic, fear always creeps in. I think it’s a result of my past experiences over the last few years. Usually anytime I allow the positive self-pep talks, I end up with some rather upsetting news. And any time I go to a doctor’s appointment thinking it’s just going to be routine, something very unsettling is revealed. Just like last week. I went to a follow-up appointment to receive the results of my CT scan thinking if they find anything they will just switch up my medications and possibly my inhaler. I most certainly was not expecting to be told they found a nodule in my one lung and that my oncologist wanted me to see a Pulmonary Specialist at the Cancer Clinic. Yet again, this really took me by surprise. How many times does this need to happen? Twice now, my world has been rocked by cancer. This can’t happen again. My kids are finally getting back to normal and not speaking or being traumatized by those years we fought and battled cancer. It’s beginning to become our past. The future is beginning to look brighter. Also, I’m working now and I’m enjoying what I am doing. I enjoy work and feel better knowing that I’m contributing financially to my family.

Even now as I’m writing this, I keep telling myself not to worry. Nodules in the lungs are very common and nothing to be too concerned about. And once I begin thinking this way, I stop myself and tell myself to be prepared. Because if I don’t prepare myself then it’s just going to be that much more upsetting. I begin thinking about the 9 months of chemo I received upon the week of ‘lethal’ chemo I was given to prep my body for the stem-cell transplant. I think of the possible damage all of the chemo may have caused to any of my organs and if this current concern could be a result of all that. If this is a result of everything, I didn’t think it would be this soon. I have always thought that any problems would occur much later down the road, years and many years later, like 10 or 20 years. Not this soon. I haven’t even made it to my 5-year mark yet of being cancer-free. I must make this milestone. I haven’t made a milestone yet since my initial diagnosis of cancer (leukemia). My first milestone should have been a year after my first round of treatment and I didn’t even make it a year before I relapsed. I was only a few months away from my year anniversary. And now, here I am, seven months from my 5-year mark and I’m scared that I’m not going to make that milestone.

So here I am again, fluctuating back and forth with how I am feeling. I really am trying to remain positive but those thoughts full of fear keep creeping in. I am hoping and praying that tomorrow I will be posting a ‘follow-up’ post with all good news.

 

Image source: http://imgarcade.com/1/knockout-clipart/