Fear Vs Strength

No matter how much I try to remain optimistic, fear always creeps in. I think it’s a result of my past experiences over the last few years. Usually anytime I allow the positive self-pep talks, I end up with some rather upsetting news. And any time I go to a doctor’s appointment thinking it’s just going to be routine, something very unsettling is revealed. Just like last week. I went to a follow-up appointment to receive the results of my CT scan thinking if they find anything they will just switch up my medications and possibly my inhaler. I most certainly was not expecting to be told they found a nodule in my one lung and that my oncologist wanted me to see a Pulmonary Specialist at the Cancer Clinic. Yet again, this really took me by surprise. How many times does this need to happen? Twice now, my world has been rocked by cancer. This can’t happen again. My kids are finally getting back to normal and not speaking or being traumatized by those years we fought and battled cancer. It’s beginning to become our past. The future is beginning to look brighter. Also, I’m working now and I’m enjoying what I am doing. I enjoy work and feel better knowing that I’m contributing financially to my family.

Even now as I’m writing this, I keep telling myself not to worry. Nodules in the lungs are very common and nothing to be too concerned about. And once I begin thinking this way, I stop myself and tell myself to be prepared. Because if I don’t prepare myself then it’s just going to be that much more upsetting. I begin thinking about the 9 months of chemo I received upon the week of ‘lethal’ chemo I was given to prep my body for the stem-cell transplant. I think of the possible damage all of the chemo may have caused to any of my organs and if this current concern could be a result of all that. If this is a result of everything, I didn’t think it would be this soon. I have always thought that any problems would occur much later down the road, years and many years later, like 10 or 20 years. Not this soon. I haven’t even made it to my 5-year mark yet of being cancer-free. I must make this milestone. I haven’t made a milestone yet since my initial diagnosis of cancer (leukemia). My first milestone should have been a year after my first round of treatment and I didn’t even make it a year before I relapsed. I was only a few months away from my year anniversary. And now, here I am, seven months from my 5-year mark and I’m scared that I’m not going to make that milestone.

So here I am again, fluctuating back and forth with how I am feeling. I really am trying to remain positive but those thoughts full of fear keep creeping in. I am hoping and praying that tomorrow I will be posting a ‘follow-up’ post with all good news.

 

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Spring Is Here

Well according to the calendar, Spring is here. But here in Pennsylvania, we still have a little bit of snow on the ground and now the weather forecasters are calling for freezing rain. Hopefully, this will be the end of Winter and warmer weather will be around the corner.

I am happy to say that this Winter wasn't too bad. I had some rough days of colds, coughs, sore throats and being tired. But overall, it seems each year that it keeps getting better. The illnesses are fewer and don't last as long. Hopefully, I will have a Winter with only a few sniffles.

I just had a regular follow-up appointment with my oncologist and had my regular six month Pulmonary Function Test (PFT). My blood results were good which means there isn't anything alarming that would indicate my cancer returning. So my donor cells are working hard at keeping those cancer cells at bay. However, my PFT test wasn't the best. It showed that my lung capacity has dropped from 68% to 48% which would explain my shortness of breath, especially after climbing stairs or after long bouts of walking, as well as, my occasional inability to take deep breaths. All this lack of being able to take in the right amounts of oxygen could also be attributed to me being tired a lot of the time.

My doctor ordered me to have a CT Scan done of my lungs to get a better picture of what is going on and to be able to determine the best treatment. I am optimistic that this can be accomplished and that I will be breathing freely without those lapses of being able to take a deep breath. I have an appointment next Tuesday for the results and I'm ready to get things moving along.

I am ready for warmer weather, sunny days and breathing the fresh air of Spring!!!

A Weak Moment

Wow, I'm an emotional wreck this morning. Things have been going really well lately. Other than my usual tiredness, emotionally and physically I'm getting back on track. However this will be the third morning waking up from a dream so great that when I wake up and realize the reality, it shakes me. And it really hit me this morning. It hit me so hard, I had to close myself up in my office at work because it affected me so deeply that I was crying so hard I didn't want anyone to know.

In my dream I had my own head of hair. I can't explain the feeling of how freeing it can be without the wig. Maybe I'm having such a difficult time because I was having a really bad wig day yesterday. When I had my regular oncology appointment last week, I stopped at the wig store at the clinic because I need new stocking caps. Unfortunately they stopped carrying them and began carrying a fishnet-like cap. It less restrictive and is suppose to stay in place. However, yesterday it kept shifting and it was very uncomfortable and my wig was also shifting.

I've become very frustrated with the wig. It looks so fake on me. I miss my shorter style and I miss my old hair. I feel as though I'm mourning it's loss all over again.

This is just one of those weak moments I'm having through this journey post leukemia and stem-cell transplant. And this is the best way for me to cope and process every thing that I'm still going through.

Thanks for listening and for your support.

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#IamHere

#IamHere

This is my mantra for 2015.

This represents stability and security. It's the year to focus more on body and health. To continue to grow professionally and financially.

It's the year to celebrate. Celebrate my place in this world. It's simple. It's straightforward. It represents all I have been through and it says it out loud and simply that 'I am Here'.

It says that even though it has already been a somewhat rocky beginning that 'I am Here'. I am here to experience the high and lows of life. It means I'm alive. I'm living. I'm breathing.

It's very empowering. It makes me feel so thankful to be alive. It means that no matter what life brings, 'I am Here' to experience as much of Life as I can.

I will have good times. I will have times of sadness. I will make mistakes and from those mistakes, I will learn and make better decisions.

This is just another step in my journey of 'embracing my new normal'.

So in closing, I take a deep breath, I lift my arms wide, I tilt my head back, I smile and say out loud...

#IamHere  

Just A Dream...

Another bad dream.

"It came back".

I'm breathing heavy. The panic and adrenaline coursing through my body as I hear the words in my head. Instant thoughts of the kids, of Isaac and my family. Instant thoughts of what things were like the two times before. And instant thoughts of absolute terror and thinking 'oh my God, can I do this a third time' and will I die? Is my body strong enough? Am I mentally strong enough?

Then all of a sudden I'm blinking my eyes open trying to adjust to the dim lighting in the room. I'm realizing I'm in my own bed. I hear the familiar sound of the fan. I hear one of the kids talking in their sleep. I take a deep breath and tell myself it was just a dream. Right?

I'm healthy. I'm happy. I feel as though I have been coping much better and moving forward. So, what is this? Is this anxiety? Is this paranoia? Is this post-traumatic stress. Is this normal? Whatever it is, I just want it gone. I want to forget the fear. I want to just have one full day of not thinking about it or being reminded of it. Is it too much to ask?

I need to breathe deeply. I need to repeat it was just a dream because the reality is just too much to bare and just will not be.

It was just a dream. Only a stupid, stupid dream.

My 4th re-Birthday

Tonight around 11:40, it will officially be 4 years since my stem-cell transplant. Four years of many battles. Four years of many highs. Four years of some lows. Four years of hope. Four years of rejuvenation. Fours years of self-discovery. Four years of adapting and embracing this 'new normal'.

So much can happen in 4 years. So much can happen in a year and, wow, has a lot changed. And a lot of it has been in my favor. The past couple of months are always hard, emotionally and mentally. And even though things have been pretty good, those memories are always there, some more fresh than others. Some more damaging and some more healing. It's all a juggling of emotions. But when it all comes down to it, it comes to feeling alive, regardless of the emotions, positive or negative. It means I'm still here. I'm still living. I'm still breathing. I'm alive. Living for today and looking forward to tomorrow.

It's my re-Birth, with a newer, healthier self.

A Cleansing of Tears

It's 5 am. Woke myself up crying. The fear is creeping back in. The memories all come flooding in so quickly, I can't even stop the flood of tears from streaming down my cheeks.

It's all too much at once. So many emotions. So many thoughts. Feelings of triumph. Feelings of victory. Feelings of the unknown and feelings of the known. Which is scarier? The unknown? Or the known? Knowing what once was. Knowing the fear, the loss, the pain. Knowing that the reaper was close by. Seeing the stress and turmoil my family was going through. Feeling so alone yet surrounded by the people who cared the most.

The floodgates have opened yet again. The uncontrollable tears. The uncontrollable thoughts. Tears of fear. Tears of relief. Tears of loss. Tears of pain. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of hope. Tears of cleansing. Cleansing the mind, body and soul.

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