I'm so happy and I'm not even sure if I will be able to put into words the gratitude I feel right now. I think about how difficult Life can be. And those difficulties can be singular or a plethora of things with varying degrees of burden or stress. Obviously my most major Life altering ordeal came in the form of leukemia, relapse and stem-cell transplant. And once I conquered that Life hurdle, I needed time for my body to heal which resulted in resigning from my job after 12 years of dedicated service. And even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was very difficult.
It was difficult because I no longer was a financial contributor to my family. I felt I was more of a financial burden to my husband even though he never made me feel that way. And with those thoughts and feelings, it pulled me into a small state of depression. I felt as though my worth was questionable. I even questioned whether being alive was worth it because had I died, my husband wouldn't have to worry about supporting another person that comes with so much 'health baggage'. That 'baggage' including many ongoing doctor visits which involved travel expenses and sometimes, lodging. It included many varying medications that at times were quite costly. And it also included the physical stress of making sure all in his family were taken care of. And he did this all without complaint. He is an amazing man who through some of the most major stress of our lives, took care of his family.
So while in this small state of depression which I was fully aware I was in and chose not to mention my knowledge of this to anyone, I carried on each day. Each day I felt unfulfilled. I didn't exactly know what it was that made me feel this way. I knew it was something but I couldn't identify the source of this unfullfillment. I thought it was due to my temporary health setbacks, like my GVHD symptoms, but knew those were only minor in the broad scheme of things. I thought it was fear of moving forward and the possibility of relapse. But not until recently did I learn that that feeling of unfullfillment was regarding my lack of employment, my career.
There is something about having a job, a career, a sense of purpose and a sense of earning the money that you bring to your home. There is a sense of knowing your able to take care of yourself, your husband and children. And I for a long time, since my diagnosis which was a little over 5 years ago, I didn't feel that.
But now I'm pleased to say, I have it back!!! Yesterday, I received a phone call I've been waiting a week for and was offered a great opportunity at helping others in need. This couldn't be more ideal for the humanitarian in me. I will be in a management role similar to the one I had before my diagnosis but different as to the role I play in assisting others in need.
This is a clean slate. It's a new beginning. And I'm so looking forward to this new chapter in my life. I feel I have a purpose again. A purpose of being a professional, a purpose of being a financial contributor to my family and assuring that my husband and children will also be taken care of. Now my husband and I are a team. We're both taking care of each other and our children.
And now looking back through these past few years, that even when I thought I lost all 'hope' in whatever trial was thrown my way, somehow, I kept moving forward and battling through. The warrior in me is just as alive now as she was through my battle with cancer. My point is to never give up, regardless of how dark your days may be, dark never last forever. There is a light and I'm finally beginning to see the light.
No comments:
Post a Comment