Emotions

I had a pretty "heavy" phone conversation with someone this morning.  She had lost a piece of herself and was having an emotional day.  She was crying and frustrated with her situation and feeling "helpless".  There were things around her that she wanted to take care of but due to her circumstances she was unable to complete those tasks.  I allowed her to express her fears, her sadness and even her anger about her situation.      She felt as though she is useless.  At that moment, I had to share my secret with her.  Even though her and I share two totally different circumstances, we still share a "loss".  And even though our "losses" are different, we experience the same emotions.

In both our situations, we both had a loss of control as to our treatment and what the outcome of that treatment could or may be.  Death was a possibility for both of us.  So when faced with the whispers of death and we really had no control other than what we were thinking and feeling, I told her, that is her gift.  No one can take that from her.  She can choose how to think and how to feel about her situation.  I offered her advice in the mix of emotions that she is or has been feeling.  Basically, I gave her permission to think and feel and react the way she needs to, in order to cope and heal so she can begin moving forward.

During my treatments before and after relapse, and even after transplant, it seemed that the only thing I had control over were my thoughts and feelings.  I know many of you worried about me and thought maybe I was becoming depressed or withdrawing.  I want to let you know that "yes, I probably was".  But it wasn't anything to be scared about.  I had a few people say to me that I'm being "too quiet" or "not speaking about whats going through my mind".  But how could I speak of those things when I truly didn't know what I was feeling.  I would go from being happy, to extremely sad or frustratingly angry, all within seconds, minutes, hours, or even days.

Many times I thought  I'm dying!!!  I have Cancer!!!  It went away and now it's back!!!  My children may lose their mother!!!  My husband may become a widow!!!  Will my death be painful, will I suffer or will I go into a deep sleep???  There are so many thoughts that go through your mind that I needed and wanted to own what I was feeling.

So this morning, I offered those same thoughts and advice to the person I was speaking to.  I told her if she wants to be angry, then be angry.  If she wants to cry, then do it.  If she is afraid then show your fear. Allow yourself to feel what you want to feel, but once you do that then you need to move on, begin moving forward.  I also told her that she will go through cycles and that is ok.  As long as the goal is to "keep moving forward".  My goal is to do just that...keep moving forward.  I may still have one of those"emotional" days where I'm sad, angry or afraid but I just need to remain focused and keep moving forward.