A Light in the Darkness

Its been a few weeks since my last posting because I just haven't had the time to sit down and put my thoughts and feelings into the keyboard.  I decided that I needed to take a moment and allow myself to breathe and to think and to feel what I'm feeling.  Blogging has become one of the best therapeutic tools for me.

But over these past few weeks and the "chaotic"ness of my life, I have been experiencing so many emotions. I've been asking so many questions.  I've been trying to discover exactly who I am.  At times, I think I have it figured out and other days I'm thinking "what the hell are you doing?".

While I was traveling in the car yesterday, I was speaking with my mom about some of the things that were going through my mind.  And part of that was that "guilty" feeling again.  It always seems to creep up.  But that "guilty" feeling isn't just about the cancer, its about the "aftermath" of the cancer.  Its about what having cancer has left behind.  And I'm realizing its quite an extensive amount of emotions and depletion of energy.  I even have noticed with my blogging the mix of emotions from one blog to the next.  There are a few that I'm upbeat and positive and embracing all I have around me and the next few are about feeling sad, they are about worrying, being confused or just plain scared.

I said to my mom that while I was fighting cancer, I really never gave much thought to the "after" part.  I was thinking of the present and getting through each hour and each day.  I remember my doctor telling me that I need to remain active and not just lie around in bed or sit in the chair all day.  At the time, I thought it was to maintain my strength to fight, and I'm sure that was part of it.  But, now, I'm learning that just because the cancer has gone away doesn't mean my mind or body are fully recovered.  That was my own misconception.  I thought that things would return mostly back to normal.  Boy, was I ever wrong.

A week or so ago, I even spoke to one of my best friends about having those good days, and then being knocked back a few steps.  She had asked do I think it may be like a self-fulfilling thing, where I'm subconsciously allowing those set backs.  I thought about that and thought "well maybe" but then just yesterday I thought to myself, "no, I truly don't think that".  Because, when I am having those good days and pushing forward I feel so happy, so alive and so free.  I don't want to lose what I'm gaining.  It's like my mind and body are battling with each other.  I don't want those setbacks.  I want to get close to where I once was before.

I'm just trying to make sense of my situation.  I try to do this by speaking with or learning about other people who have had this similar experience.  I discovered that even knowing that each person's experience is different I couldn't help but compare my situation to the situation of others.  Then I become angry, not because they are doing so well, but because I'm not where they are.  There are some that are 6 months to 2 years post transplant who are back to work, who are really active by staying fit with some form of exercise and even, running marathons. And I'm so happy that they are able to do that but why can't I?  With my recent schedule, I'm beginning to weaken and tire really easily.  I'm having difficulty trying to keep up. When I feel that weakening, I tell myself no and keep pushing.  I can be so stubborn that I do not want that weakness to win, so I keep pushing until I can't push anymore.  Then I become angry because I finally have to give in, allow that rest.

Before cancer, I had a full-time career.  During that time, I had always thought it would be nice to stay at home and be with the kids.  But I'm finding, I need that career.  I need to feel as though I'm contributing something to the family.  I like having that independent career-minded feeling.  But, I seriously question whether I can handle a full-time job.  One of the reasons is my memory.  I'm almost 2 1/2 years post-transplant and my memory is still horrible.  I try everything I can to remember things.  I either write it down, text a note in my phone, keep a digital calendar to sync between my phone and computer.  But sometimes that doesn't even help.  It can be so frustrating.  If by working full-time and something escapes my memory it will show that I'm incapable of performing the job and my work ethic is very important to me.  Secondly, a full-time job entails a lot of mental and physical energy which could be difficult because I get tired so easily.  Currently, I work for 4 -6 hours a week for a friend of mine at her fitness establishment which a thoroughly enjoy.  And, I also watch a baby for another good friend of mine.  I look forward to all of those days. But, I'm discovering after this past week, thats all I can really handle.  I have been going like the "Engergizer Bunny" and it has definitely caught up to me. I was so exhausted the other night, I didn't even change my clothes when I crawled into bed.  Then when I got up the next morning, I had that "nauseous" feeling.  It was the same "nauseous" feeling that was identified as GVHD.  (Graft vs Host, my body fighting the donor cells).  I hadn't felt that nauseous feeling in quite awhile.  Yes, I may have had that over the winter but that was mostly due to being sick with whatever flu was going around.  This definitely felt different.  This felt exactly the way I felt after transplant.  It scared me.  And, for someone that has experienced relapse, I was really frightened.  Thankfully, my very supportive husband began seeing my fear and stress, and helped me a lot with some of the things I needed to do.  So I'm beginning to feel a little better.

I guess I just keeping thinking that even though I have experienced some very "dark" times, there is much "light" in the darkness to be seen.  That's what keeps me going.  Its much about coping with those dark times, it's about processing those dark times and it's about trying to move forward to that "light".  And that each person's experience is unique only to them.  I just need to keep telling myself, "I can't compare to what is unique to someone else...I need to only focus on my own uniqueness and my journey".  I need to quit looking at my setbacks as being "failures" but as I way to strengthen myself to a closer version (physically and mentally) of the person I was before cancer.

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