Frustration and Suffering

The above quote couldn't be more perfect than how I am feeling right now.  I definitely have suffered over the past three years.  There is much suffering when trying to battle cancer and when trying to deal with all the ramifications that occur after transplant.  The suffering isn't just physically, but emotionally and mentally.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be alive and I'm trying my hardest to embrace this new journey but everyone has their "down" days.  I'm definitely having one of those "down" days today.

My emotions are out of control.  I'm sick with the flu again.  I had to go to the ER the other night because I had a temperature (100.7) and I had body aches, congestion, nausea, scratchy throat.  By the time I got to ER my temperature spiked to 102.3.  The ER took me in right away and began blood cultures, chest x-ray and put me on fluids.  After reviewing results of blood cultures and chest x-ray which were found to be normal, I was ready for discharge.  They did prescribe me a medication just in case it was the flu.  However, the medication that was prescribed caused nausea and vomiting after taking it.  I haven't taken it and now, I'm waiting to hear from my doctor on what needs to be done next.

I'm just so frustrated with not feeling well.  I can go a few weeks feeling fine but never 100%.  Will I ever feel that way again?  There are times where I think..."yes, I'm getting better" and then I begin to do more and than WHAM, I lose what I have gained.  And I have to fight again to get my body healthy and feeling better.  I'm definitely not a cancer "survivor".  I would classify myself as a cancer "warrior".  I have heard of this before but truly didn't grasp what that meant and now I think I do.  Especially right now, I'm in warrior mode.  I'm still fighting to get healthy and to feel better.  Even though the cancer is in remission doesn't mean that the fighting has stopped and all is better.  "All" is not better just some things. 

I have been reading so many posts that have been posted on FB by other transplant patients.  I'm learning that there are no two experiences that are the same after transplant.  Some people were able to return to work after 6 weeks of transplant which totally blows my mind and others still have not returned after 3+ years.  I'm hoping like hell I'm not like the latter, but right now, I very well could be.  I'm two years and one month post-transplant and I'm sick.  And when I get sick, its not just for a day or two, it lasts a week or even more.  I feel I have very little energy, my nose hurts from blowing it every few minutes, and my chest is beginning to hurt from all of the coughing.  I'm losing sleep because of these symptoms and I'm emotionally drained.  I just want to cry but haven't allowed it because I don't want to be weak.  I need to fight harder but sometimes it just becomes so exhausting.  I have to fight everyday.  There is not a second, minute, hour, day or month that goes by that I'm not fighting and it is exhausting.  Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life?  I'm told things get better as time goes on and yes, I can say things have improved.  But why can't I just get a break?  I just want a whole month of feeling 100%.  I want to be able to wake up each day without the sniffles, without the nausea, without the burning of my eyes.  I want to be able to take a deep inhale without having a coughing fit.  I want to be able to move around my house without feeling winded and tired after climbing a set (or two) of stairs.  I want to be able to give 100% of my time playing with my kids without becoming tired after 10 minutes of play.  Is that really too much to ask?  I think I have suffered enough and my family has suffered enough.  Not only has this worn me out but it wears on my husband, children and family. 

I know there are people out there with worse circumstances and I need to be grateful for what I have and what I am able to do.  But like I said before, I'm just having one of those weak moments that I needed to share.  So hopefully, I will hear from my doctor soon and get back on track to healing.