A "Mighty" Piece of String

Most of my blogs speak of the things I went through to get where I am today.  They've mostly been about embracing the changes in my life and dealing with those specific changes but, recently I've discovered I really haven't dealt with the psychological trauma.  And after processing that, I realized that this is what is holding me back from moving forward entirely.  Some people say that a person has the power to chose or control their anxiety, fear, depression, etc.  And while I may agree, there is a point where maybe one doesn't have that control or if they do, it's something that can't be changed quickly but a process that one must go through to get back that control.

I thought that when I began this blog I was fully embracing these new changes and my lifestyle.  I'm realizing I have accepted most of it but its the fear of moving forward that is greatest.  Some people may be thinking 'why, she is alive and doing well; her doctor is saying she is doing great and basically back to normal; so why is she holding back'???

I'm not sure if it's just one thing but a number of things.  For the past three years, I was basically put in a plastic bubble.  I had many restrictions and had to take many precautions because it is basically drilled into your head that these things must be done or risk infection and maybe even death.   And now, even though I have been given the 'ok,' a part of me is still holding back.

Now, I'm trying to work through why I'm holding back and every time I do this, I keep thinking of my relapse.  Thoughts of my relapse seem almost as detrimental as the cancer itself.  The thought of my relapse is what is keeping me from moving forward.  It's the last little piece of string, and even though it is small, it is mighty strong!!!

So what do I now? I want to begin moving forward but it's that anxiety and fear that is keeping me from doing so.  After my initial diagnosis and remission, I was fully embracing life.  I was so happy to just be alive.  I was so happy that I survived.  I wasn't 'sweating the small stuff'. I could definitely say I was happy with who I was and where I was in my life...and then relapse.  Why??? What in my life was not going well for me.  The only thing I can think of was my job.  I just didn't have the strive or dedication for it but that surely couldn't be the reason for relapse...could it???

I'm just trying to figure out what the exact fear is...so that I can face it and beat it.  Is it the fear of just moving forward or is it more specific (i.e. full-time job)?  With working full time it's more of a responsibility that creates less time at home which has been one of my plastic bubbles.  It means being more exposed and vulnerable to other stressors that I currently don't have which then makes me think of stress being one of those factors. It can make you unhealthy hence, then could cause another relapse.  It's becoming a domino effect. I know that these are 'what if' scenarios but, before, when you have been given that second chance and that 'what if' scenario happens, it's difficult to overcome. 

So that is where I'm at now.  I'm trying to process my anxiety and fear of totally moving forward.  I'm trying to find that sharpest knife or strongest pair of scissors to cut that 'mighty' little string and start moving forward.