Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's Not An Army of One

My mind has been going crazy with the thoughts and memories of my cancer journey. There are days where my emotions are all over the place. I can go from laughing one minute, to breaking down in tears, the next minute.

For some reason while on my way to work, my thoughts turn to thinking about my experience with cancer and often I end up in tears before pulling into work. This morning was one of those mornings. As I'm getting closer to work, I'm trying to compose myself so noone can tell I have been crying. I was crying because I was struck by a realization I had about my fight or what I thought had been 'my' fight. It turns out that all this time I had been thinking I was the only one fighting. That cancer is a battle that you have to fight alone. But actually I had an army behind me who silently waited and allowed me to battle through what I needed to on my own. And when I became weak, or when I wanted to give up, they were by my side helping me fight every step of the way. It's not to say that during that time I didn't feel people's support, I did. I just didn't think of it as an army, a team, backing me up and giving me the strength I needed to battle on.

Cancer is not just one person's battle. It's a battle that involves the family and friends of the person diagnosed with cancer.

Monday, October 27, 2014

It's That Time of Year Again...

It's that time of year again. The time for anxiety. The time of reliving when I had to choose Life or Death. It's that time of year that reminds me of my strength and determination I didn't know I had. It's that time of year, where I am reminded of the biggest battle that I may ever had to face.

I didn't have time to be afraid. I didn't have time to overthink and try and process what would be happening. All I knew was that I had to fight. I had to win. There was no other way. This was it. Either I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I cleared my mind from all that was spoken to me to prepare me for the stem-cell transplant. I choose not to remember the possible life-threatening side effects. I withdrew from everyone and everything and protected myself by an invisible shield from the world around me. I couldn't lose focus. I had a battle to fight and conquer.

Even though I was surrounded by loved ones, family and friends, I was very alone. I had to be. Because if I allowed people to get close, I could lose my focus. There were so many overwhelming emotions and thoughts that I had to push back and keep from becoming front and center.

So now, it's that time of year where my emotions are a bit unstable. One moment I could be laughing and the next, I could be crying from a memory or a reminder of where I've been and what I went through.

This is November, the time of year, to share with others, what we are thankful for. So therefore I am thankful to be given another chance at Life and I don't intend on wasting it.

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Monday, October 20, 2014

My Heart...

It sustains life. It's the hardest working muscle in the human body.

Sometimes it aches. Sometimes it breaks. Sometimes it cries.

But the one thing that will never change is how much it is filled with love.

So I'm posting 'my heart' and sharing it with all of you, hoping to spread being positive and sharing the love with family and friends, near and far. May your heart be filled with so much love and happiness that when any negativity approaches it, it drowns it out with its goodness.