Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Dreams...or Should I Say 'Nightmare'

Have you ever had a dream where it shakes you to the core??? And after waking from that dream, it takes you a little bit to process and think, maybe even say it out loud 'it was just a dream'. This is how my morning started.

My body is still reacting to this dream, or should I say NIGHTMARE??? I'm shaky because of the adrenaline coursing through my body, the shock of the dream and all the past emotions that I've gone through with my initial diagnosis and relapse.

I'm exhaling in relief and even shedding some tears because I know it was just a dream.  I was so frightened to turn my light on to even look.  When I found the courage to turn the light on, it created shadows and for a split second I thought my dream became reality.  Thankfully, it was just shadows and there were no huge, bluish purple bruises covering my legs (and body).

The heaviness that was weighing down on my chest was lifted, however my nerves are shot.  My hands won't quit shaking.

I realize I had a dream but that ugly fear (of cancer) is always lurking in the shadows. And as much as I continue to move on, it always creeps out to remind me it's there or it jumps out so unexpectedly that it scares the holy shit out of me!!!

It has been a rough couple of months with losing some fellow warriors with their battle and also hearing of a relapse of another. Things are fresh on my mind and because of this, I'm telling myself, is the reason for my current nightmare.

I'm going to continue taking some deep breaths and begin putting this nightmare out of my mind. I'm going to move on and enjoy this Christmas season with my dearest family and friends!!!


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Keep Moving and Rocking On \m/

"Keep moving and rocking on" is my new motto.

Life after cancer isn't quite the easy journey I thought it would be, at least for me.  I begin to feel well enough to try something new with diet & exercise and the diet is easy but the exercise becomes the battle.  It starts off great then I hit that wall a couple weeks into it. This has become an ongoing battle.  So what am I doing wrong????

I'm not a quitter, I'm too stubborn to quit.  I'm searching my brain looking for that common factor in my journey for a better, healthier self, and I'm not coming up with anything. I start out slowly to help my body acclimate to the change. Once I feel that my body is ready, I add a little more resistance and the intensity of the workout. After this change, is when I crash physically.  Then mentally.

It's said that after a stem-cell transplant your life will never be like it was before. There will be things different with your frame of mind because of the experience you went through and there will be changes with your body that you will need to adapt to. Thus, your 'new normal'. 

So, I'm thinking three years later 'don't you think I would have it figured out by now'???

I'm not whining and I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to figure out what my 'new normal' is especially with my health & fitness. Putting it in written form allows me to look back and find if there is a pattern during my journey's in obtaining a 'fitter' self that I keep repeating.  And, even for those of you who read my blog, you may see something that is so clear that I'm missing because of all the other things going on in my mind I'm trying to cope and heal from, that you can assist me in combating whatever barriers I'm not seeing.

I'm thinking I should have asked this a long time ago. I'm also going to be speaking to my oncologist in a few weeks in regards to my fitness and also some other chronic gvhd issues I continue to experience.

The answers are out there somewhere and I'm not going to give up.  The warrior in me will not allow that.  So, I'm going to continue 'moving on and rocking on' in my search for a healthier, fitter self. \m/

Image source:  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/150941024983043566/

Saturday, December 14, 2013

December Snow

Enjoying the beauty of the freshly falling snow...appreciating the wonders of nature and embracing and living life. :-)

Monday, December 9, 2013

Bump in the Road

Well, another bump in the road.  It seems any time I begin anything physical to help strengthen my body or to regain lost energy, my beginning is successful.  Then after a week or two, my body crashes and has difficulty keeping up.  This time around I consciously listened to my body and knew when to slow it down and not overdo it.  But my body still gave out.  I had difficulty with my knees and legs after the walking/jogging combination. The pain at times became so bad I could hardly walk around my house (i.e. from the couch to the kitchen, etc). And as always with any exercise regimen my breathing becomes an issue and my coughing fit begins either during the workout or after.  One of the most frustrating things is feeling the need to take a deep breath and unable to get that breath.

So, now I'm trying to decide  my next step.  What am I doing wrong?  I can't give up and I won't give up with trying to become more fit and healthy.  It's just so completely frustrating when going into something new with such good intentions and good morale, then to be met with resistance.

The past few weeks have been a very emotional time for me.  With the anniversary of my stem-cell transplant and now, I feel, another failure in my journey to health and fitness, I'm not sure what I need to do next.

I'm trying to learn from these difficulties and I'm trying to adjust my life because of them but most times I feel it's a lost cause.  I'm three years post-transplant and I'm wondering is this just going to be the way it is?  And that no matter how easy things were for me prior to cancer, that my life after will never ever be the same.

I am constantly comparing the success of others and seeing their accomplishments with diet/exercise, including running, marathons, etc.  So what is my deal?  Why can't I get there?  Why does it seem to be taking me longer?  I don't understand.  I don't want to be held back.  I want to keep moving forward with my life but these barriers/obstacles keep popping up.

Each day continues to be a battle, some better than others.  The only thing I can do is 'hope' for a brighter and more successful tomorrow and continue to keep the warrior in me fighting for its next battle, whatever that may be.

Image source: http://thefabweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/jbkgn.jpg