I didn't think that I would ever have to experience feeling that lousy again without actually going through it, but I was definitely proven wrong these past few days. I was able to cope a little better, emotionally and mentally, because I knew I wasn't actually going through the treatments. But, it didn't make me feel a whole lot better because here, yet again, was another reminder of my weakened state.
I know that whatever illness or illnesses that are going around, many are feeling the same way, but of those who are just sick and not trying to recover from fighting cancer and trying to rebuild their body after a stem-cell transplant, mentally it can just be as damaging.
It's just another setback. There are many transplant recipients that have very little difficulty and then there are some like me, that every time they try moving forward, another setback occurs. It can be so frustrating. I'm not even sure if I can remember what it is like to actually feel good. It always seems like there is something that isn't right. When will this get better? I try very hard to look on the positive side and move forward. I psych myself up by saying "this isn't going to beat me". But then it does with me getting the flu, or experiencing a minor GVHD issue. How much can a person take with repeated setbacks after setbacks?
I am slightly improving and that does make me happy, but the interval from the time I was sick prior to now was only two weeks. So am I going to be experiencing a new illness in a couple of weeks? Or will I be blessed with a few weeks or more?
As hard as it has been, I'm really trying to focus on the positives and take one day at a time. But its so draining to have to continue fighting each and every day. It's a constant, daily battle. Imagine a time that you were not feeling well and take that time and think about feeling like that almost every day. Would you say that you would just be a little bit frustrated? Well, that is what it has been like for me.
I don't want to give false ideas that I haven't improved since transplant. I definitely have, but each day continues to be a constant battle. And each of those days can be the same battle or a different one.
I'm ready to get out of this whirlpool of deju va and start moving forward without moving in continuous circles.