Spring Is Here

Well according to the calendar, Spring is here. But here in Pennsylvania, we still have a little bit of snow on the ground and now the weather forecasters are calling for freezing rain. Hopefully, this will be the end of Winter and warmer weather will be around the corner.

I am happy to say that this Winter wasn't too bad. I had some rough days of colds, coughs, sore throats and being tired. But overall, it seems each year that it keeps getting better. The illnesses are fewer and don't last as long. Hopefully, I will have a Winter with only a few sniffles.

I just had a regular follow-up appointment with my oncologist and had my regular six month Pulmonary Function Test (PFT). My blood results were good which means there isn't anything alarming that would indicate my cancer returning. So my donor cells are working hard at keeping those cancer cells at bay. However, my PFT test wasn't the best. It showed that my lung capacity has dropped from 68% to 48% which would explain my shortness of breath, especially after climbing stairs or after long bouts of walking, as well as, my occasional inability to take deep breaths. All this lack of being able to take in the right amounts of oxygen could also be attributed to me being tired a lot of the time.

My doctor ordered me to have a CT Scan done of my lungs to get a better picture of what is going on and to be able to determine the best treatment. I am optimistic that this can be accomplished and that I will be breathing freely without those lapses of being able to take a deep breath. I have an appointment next Tuesday for the results and I'm ready to get things moving along.

I am ready for warmer weather, sunny days and breathing the fresh air of Spring!!!

A Weak Moment

Wow, I'm an emotional wreck this morning. Things have been going really well lately. Other than my usual tiredness, emotionally and physically I'm getting back on track. However this will be the third morning waking up from a dream so great that when I wake up and realize the reality, it shakes me. And it really hit me this morning. It hit me so hard, I had to close myself up in my office at work because it affected me so deeply that I was crying so hard I didn't want anyone to know.

In my dream I had my own head of hair. I can't explain the feeling of how freeing it can be without the wig. Maybe I'm having such a difficult time because I was having a really bad wig day yesterday. When I had my regular oncology appointment last week, I stopped at the wig store at the clinic because I need new stocking caps. Unfortunately they stopped carrying them and began carrying a fishnet-like cap. It less restrictive and is suppose to stay in place. However, yesterday it kept shifting and it was very uncomfortable and my wig was also shifting.

I've become very frustrated with the wig. It looks so fake on me. I miss my shorter style and I miss my old hair. I feel as though I'm mourning it's loss all over again.

This is just one of those weak moments I'm having through this journey post leukemia and stem-cell transplant. And this is the best way for me to cope and process every thing that I'm still going through.

Thanks for listening and for your support.

Image source: www.motivateustoday.com

#IamHere

#IamHere

This is my mantra for 2015.

This represents stability and security. It's the year to focus more on body and health. To continue to grow professionally and financially.

It's the year to celebrate. Celebrate my place in this world. It's simple. It's straightforward. It represents all I have been through and it says it out loud and simply that 'I am Here'.

It says that even though it has already been a somewhat rocky beginning that 'I am Here'. I am here to experience the high and lows of life. It means I'm alive. I'm living. I'm breathing.

It's very empowering. It makes me feel so thankful to be alive. It means that no matter what life brings, 'I am Here' to experience as much of Life as I can.

I will have good times. I will have times of sadness. I will make mistakes and from those mistakes, I will learn and make better decisions.

This is just another step in my journey of 'embracing my new normal'.

So in closing, I take a deep breath, I lift my arms wide, I tilt my head back, I smile and say out loud...

#IamHere  

Just A Dream...

Another bad dream.

"It came back".

I'm breathing heavy. The panic and adrenaline coursing through my body as I hear the words in my head. Instant thoughts of the kids, of Isaac and my family. Instant thoughts of what things were like the two times before. And instant thoughts of absolute terror and thinking 'oh my God, can I do this a third time' and will I die? Is my body strong enough? Am I mentally strong enough?

Then all of a sudden I'm blinking my eyes open trying to adjust to the dim lighting in the room. I'm realizing I'm in my own bed. I hear the familiar sound of the fan. I hear one of the kids talking in their sleep. I take a deep breath and tell myself it was just a dream. Right?

I'm healthy. I'm happy. I feel as though I have been coping much better and moving forward. So, what is this? Is this anxiety? Is this paranoia? Is this post-traumatic stress. Is this normal? Whatever it is, I just want it gone. I want to forget the fear. I want to just have one full day of not thinking about it or being reminded of it. Is it too much to ask?

I need to breathe deeply. I need to repeat it was just a dream because the reality is just too much to bare and just will not be.

It was just a dream. Only a stupid, stupid dream.

My 4th re-Birthday

Tonight around 11:40, it will officially be 4 years since my stem-cell transplant. Four years of many battles. Four years of many highs. Four years of some lows. Four years of hope. Four years of rejuvenation. Fours years of self-discovery. Four years of adapting and embracing this 'new normal'.

So much can happen in 4 years. So much can happen in a year and, wow, has a lot changed. And a lot of it has been in my favor. The past couple of months are always hard, emotionally and mentally. And even though things have been pretty good, those memories are always there, some more fresh than others. Some more damaging and some more healing. It's all a juggling of emotions. But when it all comes down to it, it comes to feeling alive, regardless of the emotions, positive or negative. It means I'm still here. I'm still living. I'm still breathing. I'm alive. Living for today and looking forward to tomorrow.

It's my re-Birth, with a newer, healthier self.

A Cleansing of Tears

It's 5 am. Woke myself up crying. The fear is creeping back in. The memories all come flooding in so quickly, I can't even stop the flood of tears from streaming down my cheeks.

It's all too much at once. So many emotions. So many thoughts. Feelings of triumph. Feelings of victory. Feelings of the unknown and feelings of the known. Which is scarier? The unknown? Or the known? Knowing what once was. Knowing the fear, the loss, the pain. Knowing that the reaper was close by. Seeing the stress and turmoil my family was going through. Feeling so alone yet surrounded by the people who cared the most.

The floodgates have opened yet again. The uncontrollable tears. The uncontrollable thoughts. Tears of fear. Tears of relief. Tears of loss. Tears of pain. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of hope. Tears of cleansing. Cleansing the mind, body and soul.

Image source:

http://analaurasam.deviantart.com/art/wallpaper-tears-are-word-the-heart-cant-say-385388985

Feeling...

This is the month. The month where I was given a chance to live again. In a medical sense, the month where I was reborn. My body's marrow was wiped out and completely destroyed to prepare for the arrival of newer, healthier, cancer-fighting cells.

And as I lay here, in the comfort of my own bed, I reflect on the past few years. I think of the journey I have gone through and the various emotions I've gone through, sometimes all in one day. Sometimes I react emotionally without thinking of who I may be hurting and other times I feel so much love and compassion, it moves me to tears.

So as I lie here thinking mostly of those moments  of reacting so strong emotionally to something that I realize some of the reason. It makes me feel so alive and human. And it's a reminder of how thankful I am to be given the chance again to just be here.

Being 'alive' means feeling. And feeling those emotions means reacting to your environment or a particular incident that triggers something inside of you good or bad. Sometimes it means reacting too quickly and feeling remorse and even embarassment for those reactions. But it also means being human.

I wouldn't change a thing, other than the unintentional hurt I may have caused someone.

I am just thankful to be here. I am thankful for the people in my life, family and friends, who have been a tremendous support through all of the high and lows. I'm thankful for those tender moments with my children and husband. I'm thankful for my closest and dearest friends who put up with my quirky ways, lapses in memory and for their patience in allowing me to work through mentally and process the battle a I've been through and the emotional trauma it's left in its wake.

And I'm Thankful to just 'be'. To be alive. To think and to feel. And to be human.