Exhaustion

Wham!!!  It has hit me again!!!  I knew it was coming.  My past week and a half has been pretty busy.  A friend of mine is having me work one or two days for her, not only because she needs some temporary help, but also to help get me out of the house and get back into the "land of the living".  And, as much as I do appreciate this, it's definitely using a lot of energy.  I'm definitely not complaining because this is something I need to do.  I need to re-acclimate myself back into a more active lifestyle, not only for my sanity but for my health.  Research has shown that your body is more healthy when living a more active lifestyle than a sedentary lifestyle.  And, let's face it, my life at home was very sedentary and monotonous.  I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but I needed to slow down on the Kindle usage.  It got so bad that I was reading at least two or three books a day.   Yep, I know, what the heck???  Hahaha!!!  Can you believe that the past week I haven't read on my Kindle once.  I'm definitely going through withdrawal.

But, to get back to the point, I had stated in one of my earlier blogs about stressing over the next couple of weeks because of what is going on and how hectic its going to be.  And, I'm happy to say, I survived that first week.  I made it through.  Yes, I was tired, but I did survive it.  It will get better and I just need to condition my body and mind for a more active lifestyle.  But, I also need to know when to say when and know when to ask for help.

I finally broke down and allowed myself to ask for help around the house.  I live in a very old home with 10 foot ceilings and steep stairways.  Doing housework can be difficult and my house keeping is not what it used to be.  My mom graciously has helped me around the house which has relieved some of the burden from mine and Isaac's shoulders.  I am so thankful for that. I know life isn't going to end if the laundry isn't put away right at the moment its folded, and does it really matter if that "dust bunny" in the corner has made a few more friends?  Hahaha!!!  I know it will get done, at some point, and its not anything that is affecting our health, so what will be ...will be.

I have a few things to do today, but I am going to go at my pace and do a bit at a time and regain my strength for the weeks ahead. The boys are hunting and I'm going to enjoy this weekend with my baby girl, snuggling while watching tv!!!



God's whispers...can you hear Him???

I'm not an overly religious person.  I don't attend church weekly or monthly.  I was raised Catholic and, at times, still adhere to the Catholics prayers and beliefs.  Since my diagnosis, I have questioned many things and my spirituality has been one of them.  When I begin to question things that are going on in my life, it's like I hear whispers.  And I'm not talking about actually hearing someone whisper to me, but having a fleeting thought or something out of the ordinary happens.  Most of the time, a thought goes through my mind and I quickly dismiss it and move on to whatever I'm doing.  Then maybe a few hours, days or even months later, that thought resurfaces with an experience that I just had.  I begin to question why this is familiar and then I realize that I've thought of it before once, twice or a few other times. 

I was reminded of this today while I was at work.  Some of the ladies that come in are aware of my circumstances.  There are some that are not aware but hear me discussing my current health with these other ladies.  After my conversation, I have some of these ladies, who are not familiar with my circumstances, approach me and ask questions.  They are sincerely interested and offer their blessings.

This one woman approached me and stated she overheard me speaking about some testing I'm going to have in a few weeks.  She asked if I could explain more.  I informed her of my diagnosis, going into remission, my relapse, then my transplant.  I explained that I would be having a bone marrow biopsy in a couple weeks.  She asked if I could give her the specific dates of my biopsy and doctor's appointment.  I gave her the dates and she stated that she will pray for me on those specific dates and she will let her sister know as well.  This really touched me and, even as I'm typing this now, is making me tear up.  I can't express to you how that made me feel.  It's going to make that very stressful day a bit easier knowing that a woman that I don't even know, will be praying for me that morning.  It gives me so much strength to know that. 

While we were talking, she shared personal information about herself and her family.  She is a survivor of cervical cancer, her husband passed away due to cancer, and her sister has been fighting cancer.  We were able to connect on a level that I haven't been able to with anyone.  I wish I could explain this deep, intimate connection her and I had.  I really believe this was one of God's whispers letting me know that I'm not alone.  He gave me comfort through someone else who has been through a similar experience. 

Over the summer, a friend of mine stated she was listening to Oprah on her satellite radio.  And she stated that Oprah had spoken about God's whispers.  Oprah stated that he sends us these whispers to guide us to where we want to be.  It made so much sense because at the time, my friend and I were speaking of my career, and what it is I want to do.  So we focused on that issue.  But, after today, I realized those whispers are about anything in our life, whether its trying to decide which career path to take, or to ease the mind and body about something that may be causing stress. 

So in closing, I truly believe, God has carried me when I've been too weak from the chemo and cancer, he walks beside me to keep me company when I feel alone, and he whispers to me, to keep me going and to not give up.  I will believe, I will hope, and I know I'm not alone in this journey!!!

Image source: http://xatigirl.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/god-whispers.jpg

Coincidence??? Maybe!?!?!

I saw a posting on my FB "news feed" page.  And it really struck me and made me begin to think about my transplant and the process that took place.  They say a sibling is one of the best ways to find a match.  The process began with finding whether my brother was a match or not.  Unfortunately, in my case, my brother was not a match.  So, my doctor and the transplant team, began the search for a donor within the United States.  At the time, we were told that out of 4 million donors, in the United States, not one person was a match.  This was very disheartening to hear and we began to worry about what this would mean.  Does this mean my days are numbered?  Do I need to make peace with myself, my husband and children, my family and friends and with God?

This was a very scary time, but we were given the hope that there may be someone out there beyond the United States.  My doctor and transplant team began the search outside of the U.S.  We were notified that two donors have been found and both are of European origin.  Furthermore, we were told that these two donors were 100% matches!!!  It's really amazing to think that there are, at least, two individuals out there in this world, that identically match my marrow.  At the time, my mom made the statement about whether it could be a person who is in some way a distant relative.  After she made the statement, I really hadn't thought about it or have even discussed it with anyone.  But after seeing this posting today, I began to think more about it.

How amazing this could be!!!  I'm very lucky to be able to know that my mom is 100% Slovak (ancestors from Czechoslovakia) and my dad is 100% French.  Could it be that my donor or donors could be a distant relative?  My mom's great-grandgrandparents immigrated from Czechoslovakia more recently than my dad's family.  Could it be that one of my donor's could be Slovakian, or could it just possibly be someone from my French heritage? 

One of the things that I love about my website is the ability I have to see, in the world, who is accessing my website.  The majority of the hits, outside of the U.S., are Russia, France and Germany.  Could my donor be one of these individuals?  Or even better, could my donor be a distant relative?  I'm so excited to further explore this. 

I won't be able to further look into this until my two year transplant anniversary, which is just a month away.  At that time, if I choose, I am able to make contact and write to my donor.  It is then up to my donor whether they want to respond or not.  I am really hoping that this individual would like to make contact, not only so I can "thank" her for her precious gift of life, but so I can also see if she and I may have some ancestral connection.

One thing I learned is that there is a difference between donors in the United States and international donors.  We were told that most European countries expect their populations to be donors in some form.  It is expected of them to do this and looked upon as something you do.  Where as in the U.S., it is more of a matter of choice than expected.  So, this may become a factor when trying to make contact with my donor.

I am hoping and praying that she does want to communicate with me.  Either way, whether she does or doesn't, I am extremely grateful, to both women, for this unselfish gift of giving another human being the chance at life. 

So, if you are reading this from across the seas, and you are a bone marrow donor, you may just be the one that has given me another chance at life.  A chance to remain a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, and a friend to those around me.  Words cannot express enough, the gratitude I have!!!

One Day at a Time....

"Each day that you conquer take it as a day of triumph.  On the tough days, use it to refuel you with strength.  Remember everything that is important to you and your life and use it to remind yourself why you fight.  One day at a time.  You can do it!!!

                                                                               - Ann, BMTSCTClub.com

Image source:

http://www.organized4l.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/one-day-at-a-time.jpg

My Rebirth...the Evolution of My "New" Self

I have stumbled and bled and felt so much pain during my rebirth into the woman I am and I've grown and learned and become strong like a tempered blade and not a single part of him is left in my being.
I have become something new and different and I'm still evolving.

~Zoe Tipsword

Yes...its true.  "I have become something new and different and I'm still evolving".

A  big portion of me died on November 30, 2010, and while a portion of me died, that portion was "reborn".  Its almost seems like a reincarnation.

I came to the discovery at my therapy session a few days ago.  My therapist and I were speaking about the transplant process and how similar transplant recipients feel afterwards.  I was speaking on how I thought it would be easier if my transplant was something more tangible like an organ rather than blood that touches everything within me.  She gave an example of a woman that she counsels who had a heart transplant and how the woman is very grateful for this gift of another's heart, but every time she feels its beat, it feels as though its fully not her own.  The woman has said that this heart was meant for that donor.  That donor was born to have that heart and when they passed it became her's but it was difficult to grasp that.  So, it definitely confirmed that I'm not the only one that feels this way.  And that no matter what form of transplant it may be, close to every transplant recipient may feel exactly this way.

So what do we do with this rebirth.  I used to get so angry when the doctors, hospital staff, even my family would say that I have a new birthday now.  I was like, "No, my birthday is in December...that is my actual birthday...I refuse to accept my stem-cell transplant as my new birthday...that is ridiculous".  But now I get it, at least I think I do.  It's not so much my new birthday as physically entering the world.  That, of course, will always be December 26th.  But it's like a spiritual rebirth occurred on November 30th.  An internal rebirth.  I get it now.  I can accept it now.  And actually, I'm quite excited by it now.   Does it mean I get two birthdays!!!  Hahaha...wink wink!!!

Seriously, though, I am excited about this rebirth.  Like I've said in other blogs, there are so many possibilities that lie ahead.  I'm so excited to see what they are.  It's almost like I'm "Alice" from "Alice in Wonderland" and I'm in that long corridor with all those doors and I can have my choice of any of them.  If it happens to be one that doesn't fit then I have other choices and discoveries, some may be good and some may be bad.  And that's actually okay.  Because everything is a lesson in life.  We, as human beings, have a reaction to everything.  It's up to us to decide how we react to those things. 

This self-discovery is so exhilarating and so addicting.  It may be very frustrating for my husband and family and even friends, but this is real.  This is real emotion, open and raw, that won't change.  I'm not going to fight how I'm feeling.  I'm just going to let it out there because its the easiest way for me to process this evolution of my self.

So what's next in this evolution of my self-discovery?  Who knows? I'm definitely going to blog about this evolution of self-discovery which could happen again tonight, or tomorrow or in a few days.  I'm really excited to see where this leads!!!  Which door am I going to choose? 

Image source: http://nice-cool-pics.com/data/media/22/rebirth__bhikkhu_bodhi_.jpg

You Picked the Wrong Girl......Grrrrrrrr!!!!

As much as I hate to admit this, let's face it, we all have our weak moments. 

I'm sitting here thinking about this past week and the next few weeks to come.  I have been very busy lately and it has definitely been zapping some of my energy.  But I keep telling myself I need to keep going!!!  I have so much planned these next couple weeks and I can't stop now.  There are two things that are "big" that I am worrying about.  The biggest one is the one I want to talk about now.  It's like I described in an earlier post.  Sometimes, its like I feel this big storm cloud hovering over me, and other times its like I'm cramped in a small dark place and I'm wondering if I will be able to break out.  It's not every day, but it appears every so often and the closer it gets to that dreaded day I'm thinking about, the more I feel the weight of the storm and darkness.

Yes, I know I have said it before, there is no point wasting energy on something you can't control, but I have those weak moments, and I'm just scared.  My bone marrow biopsy will be occurring in a few weeks and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  First of all, it hurts like hell.  The first time I had it done, I had no medicine at all.  I really wanted to die!!!  Truly, I did, just ask my mom and husband who were there to witness it.  I never felt such pain in my entire life.  Secondly, the last time I had it done was 6 months ago and I was sick for days afterwards.  I'm not sure if they messed up my medication but I felt like crap for days.  It really did a number on me.  So, not only am I worrying about the pain, discomfort and possible sickness, I worry about the outcome.  This is where my "relapse" haunts me the most. 

I really am trying not to worry constantly about it.  I keep trying to tell myself things are better and the outlook has been great and the doctors have been very pleased with how well I have been doing, which according to them, say that I have done exceptionally well when compared to others.  So this does give me a boost of confidence, but not 100% because that little bit of doubt does creep in. 

I wish I could make it stop, and I'm sure it will someday.  I am getting better and it will take some time.  The "relapse" really came as quite a SHOCK.  I'm not sure if I can go through that again.  Maybe I'm stronger than what I give my self credit for, but I am only human, and can't always remain strong.  I will try my best, because like I said before, I'm stubborn and I want to be in charge.  So I guess I just need to keep saying it over and over again...I'M IN CHARGE....I'M IN CHARGE....I'M IN CHARGE!!! CANCER BACK THE EFF OFF!!!  Hahaha , that actually felt pretty good... just thinking and typing it just made me feel a wee bit better...Hahaha!!!

Well, I guess that's just what I'm going to have to do.  Once I begin to feel that worry or doubt, I need to turn it into anger and fight it!!!  No way is cancer going to take control of me!!!  I will not let you win!!!  I will remain in REMISSION!!!  You picked the wrong girl!!!

Image source: http://liz-green.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/grrrrr_main-300x184.png

"Whenever you are stressed or worried or uneasy, take a nice long walk in the nature, touch the ground with your feet, touch the trees with your hands, and the Divine nature of life will flow into you to ease your pain." - God want You to Know, FB

I received this message on FB and it made me reflect a lot on what I went through these past few years and even currently. 

Due to my suppressed immune system, then and now, things such as taking a walk, smelling the flowers, and just enjoying nature, are things that I need to be very cautious and careful with how much I'm exposed too. 

While I was in the hospital, the doctors allowed the patients outside, but we had to wear masks anytime we left the filtered rooms.  It was always such a treat to be outside.  I really enjoyed those days.  But there was still something missing.  I really couldn't fully enjoy looking toward the sky and have the sun beat down on my face.  I couldn't inhale the warm, summer air, or the cool, crisp temperatures of Fall.  It was times, like those, that I realized that I really didn't fully appreciate the things around me, such as nature.  Sure I loved the sights and smells and closed my eyes and soaked it in, but I never truly embraced it for what it was and is.  Oh, how I miss those days!!!

This evening, I have been reminded of that fact.  Fall is my favorite season.  I love the colors, the smells, and the cool, crisp weather.  We have a huge tree in our backyard and we definitely have to rake the yard a few times before winter sets in.  Tonight was one of those nights.  But, unfortunately, I'm stuck inside.  I'm watching through a window while my husband and children get to enjoy the piles of leaves, running through them, burying themselves in them and tossing them in the air.  It's a mix of emotions, happy, of course, that I'm even here to be able to watch them, but sad, because I question will I ever be able to be that free again???

So take this moment to embrace those things that sometimes we take for granted.  The next time you step outside and inhale the fresh air, or the next time you take a walk, or even, the next time you can just tilt your head back and soak up the sun, just remember what a privilege it is and embrace it!!!