Flu A Positive

Well the internal debate whether to call off sick was justified. Although I'm not real fond that it happened that way. It was brutal. It was debilitating. Never again do I want to feel that way. It's been a long time since I felt that bad. I'm not sure I ever really felt that bad when I was sick with cancer and chemo treatments.

Well, at least I am on the mend. And oh, by the way, my poor husband got struck with it too. So now we are both on Tamiflu and are both on the mend. Our children have been staying with my parents. My son was totally freaked out and didn't want to catch it and my daughter felt the same way. So hopefully, they have avoided it.

So here's to staying healthy!

Please God, Please! No more illness

Stay Home or Go to Work: The Internal Battle

Staying home from work today due to illness but is it the right decision?

I am one of those people who has an internal battle on whether to go to work or stay home and recuperate from whatever ails me. My work ethic is very important to me, and with having very few sick days due to the number of doctor appointments I have which is a lot, I feel guilt. 

I have been in remission from cancer for nine and a half years, however with all the side-effects from my stem-cell transplant, which consists of many follow-ups and discovering new side-effects, that it makes it nearly impossible to bank my sick days. 

My employers are great and very understanding but with any business you need employees that can be counted on, so with all my doctor appointments and this illness that has struck me down, I feel like a less dependable employee.  

I told myself when I was sick with cancer that I would never put a job before my health. And I feel I'm not really doing that now since I am home sick with whatever flu bug is going around. But internally I'm battling. 

Does anyone else go through this internal battle?

The thing is I know my limits. I know that if I had gone in, I would have been worse off which would have resulted in not just having today off, but more likely, many more.

My 'new normal' since cancer and stem-cell transplant has forced me to make a lot of adjustments in my life. Some days are better than others. And those bad days, can really go south quickly. I'm talking in a matter of minutes, or even seconds. Sometimes there is no warning. Sometimes, like last night and this morning, my body was definitely warning me and telling me, stay home.

So here I am, overthinking staying home. overthinking not going to work. And overthinking all of my overthinking. 

Any you're welcome, welcome to the mind of an overthinker. 

The Weakest Link

This picture was taken a week before I found out I relapsed (in 2010). I thought I was living my best life. I couldn’t have had a better outlook after fighting cancer. I truly felt like I was on top of the world and that nothing could bring me down. I had the mindset that I faced the biggest evil and fought death and won to just have it all taken away from me in a matter of seconds. 

Let me back track to my initial diagnosis. I hadn’t been surprised. I had all the unexplainable symptoms and knew something was just not right. So I didn’t feel as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of me when I was told I had cancer. But I did feel that when I was told I relapsed. I felt like a failure. I thought I was strong. I thought that I could do anything because I beat cancer. 

And when I didn’t, a piece of me died. I wasn’t giving up hope for another chance. But that other chance had to come from someone else, a donor. Someone who had healthy, strong cells to fight the battle for me. It made me feel then, and even now, that I am the weakest link. That I am so weak I can’t even fight cancer which I literally can’t. My donor cells are fighting my cancer producing cells. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a host of another person. I may look like Dee. I may talk like Dee. But am I Dee? Who am I? Can I get her back, even if it’s just a glimpse? 

Cancer is a life changing thing. The battle is brutal. And when you come out of that battle, you do become someone new. It changes you. And how it changes you, is an individual thing. My initial victory I felt like champion. But after my relapse, I felt weak, and still do. I’m constantly fighting. Always in warrior mode. Not because I need to fight cancer but fight what cancer has left behind. 

And what it has left behind is someone I don’t even really recognize.