Emotionally, I have been doing fairly well. But with anything those good days tend to become not-so-good days.
It can be something little that can trigger uncontrollable tears or it can be something bigger that reminds you of a potential relapse and your mind remembers the past and fast forwards it into an 'unknown' future that you actually know the ending to.
The images that are on fast forward in your mind are so real and so scary that the panic begins to set in. In your mind, you begin telling yourself it cannot and will not happen again. But just thinking it isn't enough that you begin talking to yourself and saying it out loud and on repeat so that you can convince yourself that that fear will not happen. You begin to break with tears streaming down your face while trying to catch a breath. And it can't be controlled. It happens at home, or in the car, it has even happened at work.
The fear is real. The panic is overwhelming. Is this normal? Why can't I be stronger? I am trying to remain postive. I make a concious effort to be grateful for each new day and love every moment. But no matter how hard I try, the dark shadow is lurking nearby to remind me of what could be.
