My 4th re-Birthday

Tonight around 11:40, it will officially be 4 years since my stem-cell transplant. Four years of many battles. Four years of many highs. Four years of some lows. Four years of hope. Four years of rejuvenation. Fours years of self-discovery. Four years of adapting and embracing this 'new normal'.

So much can happen in 4 years. So much can happen in a year and, wow, has a lot changed. And a lot of it has been in my favor. The past couple of months are always hard, emotionally and mentally. And even though things have been pretty good, those memories are always there, some more fresh than others. Some more damaging and some more healing. It's all a juggling of emotions. But when it all comes down to it, it comes to feeling alive, regardless of the emotions, positive or negative. It means I'm still here. I'm still living. I'm still breathing. I'm alive. Living for today and looking forward to tomorrow.

It's my re-Birth, with a newer, healthier self.

A Cleansing of Tears

It's 5 am. Woke myself up crying. The fear is creeping back in. The memories all come flooding in so quickly, I can't even stop the flood of tears from streaming down my cheeks.

It's all too much at once. So many emotions. So many thoughts. Feelings of triumph. Feelings of victory. Feelings of the unknown and feelings of the known. Which is scarier? The unknown? Or the known? Knowing what once was. Knowing the fear, the loss, the pain. Knowing that the reaper was close by. Seeing the stress and turmoil my family was going through. Feeling so alone yet surrounded by the people who cared the most.

The floodgates have opened yet again. The uncontrollable tears. The uncontrollable thoughts. Tears of fear. Tears of relief. Tears of loss. Tears of pain. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of hope. Tears of cleansing. Cleansing the mind, body and soul.

Image source:

http://analaurasam.deviantart.com/art/wallpaper-tears-are-word-the-heart-cant-say-385388985

Feeling...

This is the month. The month where I was given a chance to live again. In a medical sense, the month where I was reborn. My body's marrow was wiped out and completely destroyed to prepare for the arrival of newer, healthier, cancer-fighting cells.

And as I lay here, in the comfort of my own bed, I reflect on the past few years. I think of the journey I have gone through and the various emotions I've gone through, sometimes all in one day. Sometimes I react emotionally without thinking of who I may be hurting and other times I feel so much love and compassion, it moves me to tears.

So as I lie here thinking mostly of those moments  of reacting so strong emotionally to something that I realize some of the reason. It makes me feel so alive and human. And it's a reminder of how thankful I am to be given the chance again to just be here.

Being 'alive' means feeling. And feeling those emotions means reacting to your environment or a particular incident that triggers something inside of you good or bad. Sometimes it means reacting too quickly and feeling remorse and even embarassment for those reactions. But it also means being human.

I wouldn't change a thing, other than the unintentional hurt I may have caused someone.

I am just thankful to be here. I am thankful for the people in my life, family and friends, who have been a tremendous support through all of the high and lows. I'm thankful for those tender moments with my children and husband. I'm thankful for my closest and dearest friends who put up with my quirky ways, lapses in memory and for their patience in allowing me to work through mentally and process the battle a I've been through and the emotional trauma it's left in its wake.

And I'm Thankful to just 'be'. To be alive. To think and to feel. And to be human.