The above quote couldn't be more accurate. My daily life consists of all three happening simultaneously, although, it's more fear and anxiety than peace. Cancer is so much more than a disease. Cancer not only affects your body physically with its attempt at ending it's life, but the psychological damage it leaves in its wake is just as damaging, if not, at times, worse.
Tomorrow will mark the five year anniversary of my initial diagnosis (June 25, 2009). As I sit here today, I'm still in just as much fear as I was that day. When will it get better, when will this fear go away???
I try to give myself positive pep talks each day when I wake up. Even when I'm nauseous and tired or my eyes feel as though sand has been thrown in them, or I'm up against a limitation after the transplant that I try to search for the good, so I can maintain a balance. But sometimes the 'fear', outweighs it all and the scales I'm trying to balance collapses.
No one knows this, until now, not even my husband, but almost daily I'm subjected to tears, whether it's a limitation from my stem-cell transplant, or an event that triggers a memory of what once was or could eventually be. Many times my crying episodes are in solitude (in the car, the shower, or even in bed in the middle of the night). Usually it's my mind going a mile a minute and I mourn so many thoughts and feelings or losses due to cancer.
Some assume that when the cancer is gone, it's back to living normally. I truly believe this is so far from the truth. I came to the realization in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep that 'fear' has taken ahold of my life. I'm afraid to 'live'. I'm afraid that once I allow myself that happiness and joy of living that it will be ripped from me again. I'm beginning to see the consequences of my relapse and the psychological damage it has left.
I've been to counseling, I've been to support groups, I've spoken to other survivors, warriors, etc. but I still haven't learned a way to cope with all that has changed or has been lost. I wish there was a magic wand to take all the pain and fear away. What may work for someone else may not work for another. I want my 'peace' in the living world. All I can do is hold onto my 'hope' that through this journey I will find the 'peace' I'm looking for and finally be able to 'live'.
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I'm coming up on 2 years past chemo for my second cancer and I have to say that fear of relapse is a constant companion. One thing I've learned is that someone who hasn't had cancer has no idea of what goes on inside my head. They discount the possibility of relapse and tell me I'm cured. Easy for them to say. Your honesty describes it exactly. We are never going to be the same - ever. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteso true...I am a breast cancer, Myelofibrosis w/ bone marrow transplant8 months ago still with complications..now facing breast cancer again..and you said exactly how i feel every day!
ReplyDeleteI am a caregiver looking for it as well. What you have written so beautifully is just how I feel.
ReplyDeleteDescribes me to a tee!! I have been trying to talk myself out of what could be going on with my sinuses...I have been battling a double ear infection and congestion since mid April, in fact going to have tubes placed tomorrow. I am 16 months post transplant for stage 4E NHL which was in my skull, around my right eye and in my central nervous system. I dont think that fear ever goes away. :-(
ReplyDeleteThis is so true and describes myself so much! I have just turned 21 & am 19 months post stem cell transplant, have had complications and live in fear that it will return. I also cannot return to work/college yet as I suffer with cronic fatigue and muscle pain. It has a constant hold on your life and cancer has took so much happiness away from me, no one will understand that. I feel like staying strong and positive is helping but still living in limbo. I just hope every day that I find the happiness and worry free me i used to be. All you can do is 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming' as my mum says. thinking of you all! sending positive thoughts and hope your way! xxxx
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Thank you for everyone's comments, my thoughts and prayers will be with all of you...Stay Strong. ..We can do this!!!
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