#FeelAlive

Lately I have been beginning to look at the brighter sides of where I am today. Many of my posts speak of the trials that I have encountered since my diagnosis and stem-cell transplant.  And while I still want to keep it real, I also want to express my joy with Life. 

Recently, and quite fortunately, I was able to receive a free real-hair wig.  It has uplifted my self-confidence and has made me feel more normal.  I know the saying 'bald is beautiful', but it's not as easy for some to embrace. Especially someone like me who has always struggled with weight and a poor body self-image. 

Somedays, I feel like shouting how happy I'm here to be alive. I want to laugh daily. I want to be my geeky, book nerdy, techie self. And if anyone has issue with my quirky ways, then so be it. I love who I am. I love all those odd ball things about me because that is 'me'.

I'm embracing the newer things about me.  When faced with your own mortality, your outlook and perspective definitely changes.  And those changes affect how you approach Life.

Well, I'm approaching Life by the  #feelalive motto!!!   I hope many of you will do the same.  Don't be ashamed of who you are...Live, Laugh, Love, Feel Alive and Embrace Life!!!

Why, Why, Why?!?!

Ok, don't ask me why and don't even offer a lecture about the stupid thing I did tonight.  First, let me say that I have made it known for some time about losing my sense of smell which had also affected my taste, or lack of. I have been relating it to the numerous head colds I had over the winter. Now however, I'm not so sure.

Let me also say that since my stem-cell transplant, I would experience an occasional 'cigarette burning' smell in my nose. It didn't happen often and I just thought I had been around or walked by someone that had been smoking.  But recently, I have been experiencing this so-called 'cigarette' phantom smell for a few weeks and there has been no way, in that time, I have been exposed to cigarettes.

So, now you ask what stupid thing I did!?!? Well, I can say I 'Google'd' it. Ugh!!!!! Why would I do such a thing? It always seems to be said that you should never Google a health ailment or oddity because it could scare the holy shit out of you.  Well, guess what??? The shit has been scared out of me.  Basically, there are two occurrences of this phantom 'cigarette' smell.  One is parosmia: smelling something foul when nothing is around to actually be causing the odor and could be related to common hyposmia which is the common absence of smells.

The other causing factor is the one that has sent my anxiety into orbit. It stated that if someone begins to experience a more steady existence of this phantom 'cigarette' smell it could be cause for a much more serious concern in relation to a tumor of the brain or the olfactory nerves.

So, needless to say I'm freaking out.  Thankfully, I have already seen an ENT Specialist in Pittsburgh and already have an appointment for a CT Scan the first week in June.  I'm really hoping and praying that it isn't anything severe.   I know that you shouldn't stress about the unknown.  But when those gut instincts of 'knowing' something isn't right has proven to be true, which was to be my initial leukemia diagnosis and my relapse,  I tend to believe this could be a pattern and the diagnosis not so promising.

So now I'm going to be a wreck and asking those closest to me, to yet again, have some patience.  And I'm just plain ol' scared.