Well, last night I decided it was time to face the fear and the emotions that come with purging my closets and drawers of what my life consisted of for almost 3 years.
This act of purging wasn't intentional. I became overwhelmed with what I consider "clutter" in my life. My closets and drawers held useless items that haven't been used for quite some time. So I began cleaning out drawers and some closets. While I was doing this, I came across many items that I tucked away hoping to never be seen again for many, many years.
One of the items I found were the 'consent' papers to allow the process of conditioning my body for the stem-cell transplant. As I picked up the papers and began reading, I was immediately taken back to the day of signing the papers. I remembered hearing the words "toxic" and "lethal". I remember hearing the importance of "fighting" and having the "will to live". Statements of "lethal doses of chemo" and "destruction to vital organs" of my body. Bolder and more serious statements of the seriousness of what's next. I remember thinking to myself, "This is it. This is the time that I need to decide. This is the time to live...or die."
And as I'm going through all the papers, medical supplies, cards of support and well-wishes, drawings and pictures, and even gifts, I'm thinking about each moment or memory that comes with them. It's not a simple thing to just throw away because each thing has left a heavy, emotional imprint in my mind. Some of those imprints are happy and many are so emotionally draining, I had to stop and move on to something else.
I wish it were as easy as throwing your 'typical' garbage away, such as food wrapping or packaging, or a paper plate, paper towel, or the annoying junk mail. But it can't just be thrown away. There are too many emotional ties to each item.
While each of those memories of being in the hospital, or at home with Home Health, were not as draining and stressful as the memory and thinking "I did this before". "Oh my God, I did this before"! "I did this 2 1/2 years ago and what happened after"? "I relapsed". I kept thinking "I was doing well, just like I'm doing now and I didn't have a clue that my body had lost the battle with Cancer". "Could this be the same thing"? "Can this happen a second time"? I keep telling myself, "This time is different". "This time its not my cells fighting the fight". "My donor cells are stronger and healthier and are winning the battle". So, I keep reminding myself of this but it still doesn't take away the small bit of fear.
Will it ever go away? When will I be totally comfortable without that fear of relapse? I just keep telling myself to continue moving forward. There will be times that will trigger an unpleasant memory of the past few years and I need to tell myself that things are different this time. Before transplant, my cells were not healthy, and now, the cells I have are stronger and are fighting the fight.
That's all I can do. I need to take things one day at a time and embrace all the loveliness around me which are my family and friends and the many others who have had a positive impact on my life. I need to keep the positive and extinguish the negative things. And keep holding my head up high, smile and enjoy this 'third' chance at living!!! :)
Amen, Amen, Amen, Deanna.
ReplyDeleteIn Judaism we say, "Yesher Koach" - go with strength - when someone accomplishes something monumental.
Yesher Koach, Woman. :)
Please forgive me because I can't possibly know what it feels like to fear a relapse. But it seems to me that you would have to come to terms with that fear and make it your friend. Use it in the most positive way that you can... let it be a reminder to live each day of the rest of your life to the absolute fullest and savor every second of every day. Most people need to be reminded to do this over and over again (guilty myself) but you don't and that will give your life an added oomph and sparkle that many people will never experience.
ReplyDelete