What do you believe? Do you believe a God exists? Do you believe in a God and a Devil? I'm not here to force my beliefs on anyone. I'm just relating my story on my own spiritual struggles while going through my leukemia, relapse and transplant.
A friend of mine posted a question on FB regarding her son asking about God and the Devil and which one makes people sick. She asked for assistance on what she should say to her son when she doens't even understand. And the complexity of God's existence, or whether it's God's work or the Devil's is a very complex thing to adults and even more so to children.
I'm not an overly religious person, nor do I attend church regularly but I do believe in the existence of God. I was baptized and confirmed Catholic and while I still follow some of those traditions, which may be more of a learned experience, I don't fully accept or follow the Catholic faith, nor any other specific religion. I believe that those human and spiritual morals that were instilled in me as a child has led me to where I am today spiritually.
When I was first diagnosed with leukemia, I was in shock. I was scared. I didn't have time to question why God was doing this to me. However, during my long hospital stays and exclusion from my home and family, that's when I began to question the "why's" of my situation. At times, I was confused, sad, and many times angry. I couldn't possibly understand why, if there was a God, He would be doing this to me. I wasn't a malicious or spiteful person, so why would He be doing this to me? And when I went into remission the first time, I think I began to get the answer of "why". Prior to leukemia, I may not have been malicious or spiteful, but I was very unhappy and not very healthy. My unhappiness was mostly my job which lead to me being unhealthy. As I stated in previous blogs, I worked as a supervisor for a Children & Youth agency, where we investigated all forms of abuse and neglect of children. Sometimes, we would need to remove children from their homes and families, which was sad and stressful. But, in reality for me, that was just minimal compared to the other stress I was putting upon myself. I was trying so hard to be a professional and be respected within my professional network that I was neglecting myself and even my family. I was consuming myself in my work and really not getting anywhere. I believe I was failing more than achieving. On top of my self-induced consumption of my job, I was using smoking as an outlet for that stress. I was telling myself that my smoking was my release of work stress or any other stress that came my way. I tried to quit a few times but never really succeeded until my diagnosis of leukemia. I remember months prior to my diagnosis, I would be outside having a cigarette and asking for God's strength and help in quitting the habit. At the time, I was thinking of His help in the form of just stopping and not picking up another cigarette, like going cold turkey with no other ramifications. But He knew, and I knew deep down, that it was going to take something a little more for that habit to break. That's where my leukemia comes into play. I believe it was God's way of helping me kick that habit but also another way of looking at my life in general and start making better decisions for a better, healthier self. Which is where my job comes into play. I felt that during my time away during my treatments, maybe that's exactly what I needed. I needed that break, even though it was cancer, I needed to regroup and regenerate myself. So after some time, after treatment and some recovery, I thought that I was better emotionally, mentally, and physically. So I returned to work and quickly discovered that this isn't where I should be anymore. I kept my ears and eyes open for other opportunities but never could find the next thing. I felt myself going down that same path professionally. My personal life however, was so much different. I felt carefree and wanted to celebrate everyday. My celebration was more extreme than it was before and so, I think, with my relapse it was God's way of a 'reality check'. His way of saying "ok, yes, in your personal life you're beginning to get it but you need to slow down a bit and your still stuck in your professional rut". Hence, my relapse. My relapse and transplant has lead me to this happy medium. After sometime, I did return to work part-time, but I knew even before I went back that I wasn't fully dedicated to it and that it wasn't what I wanted. I knew it was time to move on. However, I needed to go back, to prove to myself that it was the right decision and for closure on that part of my life. I'm extremely grateful for my co-workers and superiors and the other professionals within my working network who were so supportive of my circumstances. I will always look back without any regrets because those experiences have shaped me into the person I am today.
And so here I am today, trying to figure out what it is I need to be doing next. What is next in my journey and my friend's posting on FB this morning has lead me to this blog today. If you have read, "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom, you will be able to understand what I'm trying to say. In answering her question on whether, God or the Devil, makes people sick, I truly think it's God. Even though experiencing cancer or some other life-altering disease or circumstance seems horrific, not just for me but anyone, I believe it's done with a purpose. And maybe God's plans for me, not only included my self-discovery and healing, but others as well. These trials (i.e. health/disease, world catastrophe's, etc) that we experience, are what makes us stronger. It's God's way of giving us reality checks and not taking things for granted. And that each of our own experience affects others too. It's like a domino affect. I believe that it was in God's plan for me to be diagnosis with leukemia, to experience relapse and transplant, because in some way that has affected other's around me too. It has shaped them in some way and has had them maybe look at things differently. And it doesn't have to include people that even know me. It includes anyone who I have been in contact with as a family member, friend, and even a stranger. That's one of the things that occur in "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". After dying a man meets a man in Heaven he doesn't even know and that man tells him that because of a decision you made, I ended up in an accident that has lead me here. So after thinking about that for sometime, that has led me partially to my belief's as well. It's what helps me to cope with the things in life that seem so traumatic. Such as a child with a disease who is dying, or a parent experiencing a loss of a child, or someone dying in an accident or a natural catastrophe. And whatever choice or action they have made, it has affected someone around them in their own journey. And so, their passing whether peaceful or traumatic was or is God's plan. And we will never know what His plan was, is, or will be. Just that He has a plan and when fulfilled, we pass on, and continue on a new journey. Maybe God's plan for me was to change my professional life and find something else I'm more passionate about and more rewarding. And it doesn't have to be just one plan. Maybe His plan also included my blog. God knowing how much I think and reflect on things, this was His plan. He knew I needed a way of reaching out to others. He knows that I'm not technically challenged and that I could use my strengths and voice and try to reach out to others. And if that is the case, I have definitely succeeded. I now have over 17 countries accessing and reading my blogs. I just can't get over all of that. It's amazing how many people that I don't even know have reached out and has sent me messages over this simple thing I began to initially, cope and heal, after everything I've been through. Now, it's affecting others as well.
So, after a quite lengthy blog, I believe that God does have a plan for us. It may be one or it may be many. I believe that all of life's trials are not subjected to us with any form of malice in mind, but it's His way of trying to strengthen us and not take for granted or become to complacent in this thing we call 'life'. So we all need to be aware of His whispers and sometimes His shouts and not think of it as Him being malicious, but of a lesson He is trying to teach.
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