So many things have been going on in my life lately. My "two-year" re-birthday is just a few days away. And I have been listening and paying attention to the things that we tend to, unintentionally, ignore.
Lately, on television, there have been a lot in the news about adults and children with Leukemia and bone marrow stem-cell transplants. I have been thinking a lot about this, and maybe it's due to my two year anniversary being so close.
I'm really not even sure what to say or where to begin to express how I'm feeling. I guess I could describe it as a mix of many different emotions. From being happy and elated, to questioning and wonder, to being sad and sometimes angry, to going back to being happy and shedding tears of joy. It's like I feel myself moving forward and something is mentioned about what someone else is going through and it brings it all back. I begin to experience all those emotions that I went through during those difficult days. Whatever story is being told on the television, I'm sitting there, watching, and knowing exactly what that person or child is going through. I can relate to what there experience is. It saddens me that someone I don't even know is suffering in a similar way. I sit there and wonder whether they're feeling the same way I had felt. And during that news broadcast, my thoughts are confirmed. Yes, they are feeling the same way.
Robin Roberts, from Good Morning America, had a recent hospitalization after her bone marrow stem-cell transplant, and she had posted on FB how she felt. She stated about the re-hospitalization taking "an emotional toll" on her. And I understood what she meant. I really hope that is her last re-hospitalization and she continues to grow stronger everyday. I just felt the need to reach out to her and comfort her and let her know she isn't alone in how she is feeling. It can be frustrating when you feel your making progress than WHAM, you take some steps back. But that's all about the healing, process, and recovery.
On the TODAY Show, they had a news piece about a four-year old boy who has undergone FOUR bone marrow stem-cell transplants in 18 months!!! This little guys "will to live" is AMAZING!!! During the interview, he stated the times he felt death was near but that he wasn't ready. He said something similar to knowing it was so close but he just couldn't do it. And, as I was sitting there watching, and I knew exactly what he was saying. I experienced that at least, twice.
I can't even describe to you what it feels like when suffering from a life-threatening disease, how easy it is, to just give in and answer those knocks of death, at your life's door. Sometimes, it feels so easy. You think, "what if's" and "just maybe's". At times, it seems like a much better and easier solution. But when it finally came down to deciding, I wasn't ready. There were so many other reasons to stay and fight. Initially, it was for my children and husband, my family and friends. But, it became even more than that. It has become so much more. I feel the need to express exactly what I experienced, what I thought and felt, and even what I am currently going through. I know I'm just one voice in a crowd of many. And many of our experiences are different just like each of the one's I mentioned above. But even though our experiences are different, I believe we feel the same and question the same things. I want to be a voice and educate others by sharing my experience.
So with all of these news broadcasts regarding similar situations I have experienced, it makes me believe they are one of life's whispers. Whispers for me to express my thoughts, to write about my experience and journey. It's also a reminder, not to be too comfortable or complacent. It's a reminder to embrace life, not take things for granted and know that its not necessarily a "happily ever after"...just a "happily right now". :-)
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